


100 Ways to Say...

by soprano193



Category: Castle
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-27 16:47:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 43
Words: 85,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5056228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soprano193/pseuds/soprano193
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One hundred ways to say "I love you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I made your favorite

**Author's Note:**

> Setting: Little Bean verse, about a year and a half after the wedding.

She loved standing outside the front door, and listening to the sound of her family from within. The girls loved to team up, and kick his ass playing laser tag. She usually heard Carrie squealing with delight as she ran from him, Alexis barking orders like a drill sergeant. Sometimes she heard a crash as Rick fell, tripping over something in the dark. Despite the bruises that happened to show up after their battles, he never refused them, always willing to have fun with their family.

Sometimes she heard singing. Sometimes they were just singing along with movies or music, having their own little dance parties. Sometimes Martha came over, and the piano would be accompanying them, her shouts urging them to sing "with feeling!"

Kate wondered sometimes what people who walked by thought when they saw her leaning against the doorframe, her ear pressed to the door and a smile on her face. She attracted strange looks, people raising an eyebrow at her, some stopping to see what she would do next. Those times she would pull out her key, letting herself into her apartment and leaving the outsiders behind. Once, a woman told her she was going to call the police if she didn't leave. Kate pulled out her badge, flashing it at the woman. "Go ahead, but you'll be the one that looks ridiculous. That's my family in there." With that she entered the apartment, interrupting Carrie's performance of  _Part of Your World_ , her daughter throwing herself at Kate's legs.

Today it wasn't quite as lively. She heard some chatting, muffled voices discussing and laughing, but she couldn't discern anything. She entered at the girls' laughter, their giggling bringing a smile to her face. "What's so funny?" She asked them, both her girls greeting her at the door with a hug.

"Dad's pretending he can speak French, and he keeps saying things with a silly accent." Alexis told her, her blue eyes rolling as she made her way back to the kitchen.

Kate knelt down to kiss her daughter's cheek, the four-year-old vibrating with energy. "Do you want to learn French someday  _mon petite fève_?"

Carrie giggled, snuggling in closer to her mother. "Someday. Not today." The girl pressed a kiss to Kate's cheek before running off to join her sister and father in the kitchen.

There, Rick was pulling dinner out of the oven, the smell hitting her nostrils and making her mouth water. He took off his oven mitts and made his way over to her, his hand falling to her abdomen as his lips met hers. He pulled away, his eyes meeting hers. "How was work? How are you feeling?"

Her smile was soft as she grabbed his hand, still resting on her abdomen. "Fine. To both of those questions, I'm fine." The morning sickness had hit her hard this time around, and she was thankful that now she had someone to support her through it. When she was pregnant with Carrie, it was scary, and she felt all alone. Now she was pregnant with their child, and it was their happy little secret, at least for a couple more weeks. "Dinner smells amazing, though."

His grin stretched across his face as he removed his hand from her stomach, and pulled her to the table. "Good. I made your favorite."

The girls had set the table, they had even tried to fold the napkins like the Chinese restaurant did. They were sitting in their seats, hands folded with their plates in front of them, waiting to start. When Kate saw what was on their plate, she pulled her husband in for another kiss. "Manicotti. Thank you, babe."

"Anytime." A not so subtle clearing of their oldest's throat caused him to turn his head, meeting her eye. "You can start. You don't have to wait for us."

"Thank you, I'm starving!" Came Carrie's desperate reply as she dug in, making the adults giggle.

"How?" Rick teased her, picking up his and her plates. "You've been stealing little bits all night!"

Carrie giggled, her brown eyes mischievous as she shoveled the food into her mouth. "I just am!"

Kate sat in her seat, and flashed her daughter a warning look. "Carrie Jo, please don't talk with your mouth full. It looks gross and makes me feel sick."

Her hand flew to her mouth. "Sorry."

"Are you feeling better today, Mom?" Alexis asked her, studying her face.

Rick dropped her plate in front of her, and Kate picked up her fork, her mouth watering. "Much better, I can't wait to fill my belly!" The girls laughed at that, Kate demonstrating her hunger by taking the largest bite of manicotti she could handle, the girls watching her with wide eyes. She took a few more bites before she realized what she really wanted, her tongue longing for something salty, greasy, and rough to go with the delicious manicotti her husband had slaved over. "You know what would go great with this, babe?" His eyes shone as he looked at her, one eyebrow pulled upward in silent question as he finished the bite he was working on. "Tater tots." She answered, the girls giggling despite her straight face.

Her husband raised his eyebrows, regarding her with curiosity. "Tater tots? I would never have put those two together."

She went back to her plate, her shoulders shrugging. "I don't know, I can't explain it. I just want tater tots. It just kind of came from nowhere."

She heard Rick sigh, his chair scraping the ground as he stood. "At least it's not something weird, like pickles and bacon."

She scrunched her nose at that, a wave of nausea washing over her at just the thought. "Gross! No, just tater tots." She heard the oven beeping, a bag opening, and the squeak of the oven door. He sat back down beside her, his eyes dancing with amusement. She leaned over and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. "Thank you."

"Anytime."

Over the next couple of weeks, she ate tater tots with everything. Chicken noodle soup, pancakes and eggs, even Chinese food. She brought them with her to work and ate them while she translated, earning strange looks from her coworkers. Her Dad even commented on it once when he came over for dinner, but he stopped teasing once he realized why that was all she wanted to eat, his excitement at the revelation out shining Martha's.

Once Carrie understood that yes, there was a baby in Kate's tummy, her hands didn't leave it for the rest of the night, the young girl desperate to feel it. They'd tried to tell her it was too soon, but she didn't care. "So, the baby makes you want to eat so many tater tots?"

Kate laughed, her fingers threading through the girl's curls. "Yep. The baby loves tater tots. And since the baby eats whatever I eat, I eat tater tots to make it happy!"

The girl's eyebrows knit together as she looked up at her mom. "Did I like tater tots when I was in your belly?"

"Nope." Kate lowered her head to whisper in her daughter's ear. "You liked bananas and apples. And sometimes cheesecake."

"Apples are my favorite!"

Rick dropped a bowl of tater tots in Kate's lap, and a bowl of popcorn on the table in between Carrie and Alexis. Kate met his eyes as he sat, switching to the DVD player. "Thanks, babe!"

"Anytime." He wiggled his eyebrows at her playfully. "Just watch how many of those you eat, or else that baby is going to turn into one."

She felt Carrie's fingers grasp her shirt tighter, her head snuggling even more into Kate's chest. "Yeah, that would be interesting." She teased back, rubbing her daughter's back.

Alexis stuck her hand into the bowl of popcorn, eating each piece individually with her tongue. "Daddy, what did Mommy like to eat when I was in her belly?" She asked him in between pieces, not wanting to be left out.

"Swedish fish. It's why your hair is so red."

She rolled her eyes, something Kate both loved and hated that the young girl had picked up from her. "Really, Dad?"

He held his hands up in defeat, a smile playing on his features. "Okay Pumpkin, you got me. That's not why your hair is red. But she did eat a lot of Swedish fish." His eyes travelled to Kate. "But I learned from Meredith. She sent me on a 3AM run for the candy once and it was not easy to find a store that was open and had them in stock. That's why I now keep three bags of tater tots in the freezer at all times."

"I wouldn't make you go get them for me!" Kate protested, Alexis giggling in the chair next to her. "I would wait until the morning and get them myself."

"You say that now." His grin was smug as he hit play, silencing the rest of the conversation and focusing his attention on Peter Pan.

Carrie fell asleep on Kate during the movie, her head sliding from Kate's chest to her stomach, soft snores resonating in the room. Rick carried her to her bedroom, citing heavy lifting guidelines to her. Kate followed them, helping him tuck her in and placing a soft kiss to her temple.

The next day was one of the lively ones outside the apartment. She could hear Madonna music playing. More specifically, _Material Girl_  was blaring from his stereo system. She could hear the girls singing along at the tops of their lungs, and she wondered just how many times they had listened to that song today. Her suspicions were confirmed when the same song started playing again. She opened the door, finding the girls dressed in old outfits of Martha's, with multiple feather boas and chunky jewelry around their necks and wrists. "It looks like Grams visited today!" She observed, kneeling down to meet their embraces.

"Grams brought us costumes!" Carrie enthused, showing off her sequined jacket.

Kate laughed, pressing a kiss to the young girl's curls. "That's great, Bean! It fits you perfectly!" Carrie smiled at that and ran off after her sister, the two girls dancing in the living room to the music.

Kate found her husband in the kitchen, pouring the last of the apple juice into Carrie's cup. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you give me a ton of shit for listening to Madonna way back before we were a thing?"

"They won't let me turn it off." He whispered, trying not to alert them, "help me! I'm slowly losing my mind!"

She laughed, releasing him and taking Carrie's cup from his hand. "You are the boss, you can say 'no' to a couple of children." She set the cup down at Carrie's spot.

His arm snaked around her, and he directed her attention to their daughters, having a dance off in the middle of the living room. "Look at how adorable they are, though! I'm powerless to deny them whatever will make them happy!" He rubbed his palm over her abdomen, the bump just starting to pop out. "I hope that there is a little boy in there. I'm a little outnumbered and could use the support."

She quirked her eyebrow upward as she met his eye, the laughter she was trying to hide coming out in her voice. "What makes you think you'll be any less powerless with this one? When he looks up at you and asks you for the world, are you going to be able to deny him? Or her?"

"No. But maybe he'll be on my side."

"Not until he's old enough to talk for himself. And until that happens, those girls are going to talk for him." She kissed his cheek. "So he will be coerced to their side."

"Don't ruin my fantasy with your logic." He pouted, his eyes locked on their daughters.

"You love it." She squeezed his hand at her side before moving away to address her daughters. "Okay girls, turn off the music and take off anything with feathers please. It's time to eat." They groaned but complied, Alexis pausing the stereo while Carrie put her boas on the couch. Kate turned back towards the table, giggling as her husband mouthed thank you in her direction. She sat down at her spot, waiting for him to bring the plates over. "What did you cook us?"

"I made your favorite." He answered from the stovetop, his back still facing her. "And other things, of course."

"Tater tots?"

He turned to her, his smile wide at her ridiculous question. "Tater tots."

"Even for us?" Carrie asked from her seat.

When he walked over with the four plates balanced in his hands, placing them down in front of the people they were intended for, it confirmed her question, healthy portions of tater tots on everyone's plate. "Even for you." He grinned at Kate, his eyes dancing. Her heart skipped a beat when he looked at her like that. "Enjoy."


	2. I think you're beautiful

"Care to dance, detective?" His eyebrows wiggled up and down as he held his hand out to her over the table. She glanced at the dance floor before answering him, watching Jenny and Ryan, now husband and wife, as they danced with each other, oblivious to the world around them. The floor was filled with other couples too, and young children having fun, zooming between the legs of the older people. Kate looked back at her plus one, his eyes studying her, but not pushing her either way. She grinned then, taking his hand and tugging him behind her as they made their way to the dance floor.

It was a slow song, but when he wiggled his eyebrows and said, "I promise, I'll be a gentleman," she giggled, one hand resting on his shoulder while the other laced with his, their bodies drawing closer together as they swayed their hips to the beat. And he was a gentleman, his hand resting on her hip, never drifting lower, respecting her boundaries. He took an opportunity, while they were closest, to put his mouth to her ear, sending shivers down her spine. "You look beautiful tonight, detective."

She laughed, pulling her head away to look in his baby blues. "Thank you. I barely even tried." It wasn't the whole truth. The grey dress had been picked out for months, but she hadn't done anything special with her hair, and had put on just enough makeup to look human.

"I didn't think you had to try." She felt the heat rushing up to her cheeks as she ducked his gaze. She wanted to make a comment about how much he's had to drink, the alcohol loosening his tongue, but instead decided to accept the compliment.

"Well thank you." She spent the rest of the night drinking, and dancing with him like the walls in her mind didn't exist.

It wasn't until she got home that she realized that he'd never called her beautiful like that. Sure, he'd called her hot, and gawked at some of her outfits, he'd even told her she cleaned up nice once. But beautiful was a word he hadn't used before. She fell asleep with a smile on her face that night.

* * *

She smoothed out the wrinkles on her skin tight purple dress before knocking on his door. It was their first official date, which she found funny, considering the amount of time they spent not sleeping at each other's places. But since when did they do anything in order?

He opened the door, his eyes traveling from her hair down her torso, to where the dress ended at her knees, down to her stiletto heels. His slack-jawed expression made her grin, heat rising to her cheeks as his eyes met hers. "You look…"

He didn't have to say it. "Thank you." She responded, ducking her head and entering his place. "You also look amazing." Something about him in that striped suit was making her heart race. She shook her head, realizing the absurdity of their situation, her shoulder bumping into his. "So, if we aren't going out for our date, why did we dress up?" One of her stipulations to a real date was that they couldn't go out in public. She couldn't risk Gates or the boys finding out.

He chuckled, placing his hand in the small of her back and leading her toward the stairs. "Oh detective, would I ever ignore your wishes?" At her snort, he chuckled some more, his grin wide on his face. "Okay, don't answer that. But trust me, okay?"

He led her up another flight of stairs, opening the door to the warm summer air. He'd set up a glass table on the rooftop, with cream colored patio chairs, a few candles, and fancy dinnerware. A vase of purple flowers was set up in the center of the table, along with their meal. The table was set up next to a rooftop garden, the smell of the flowers canceling out the aroma of exhaust. "I mean, it's no Drago, but I just thought…"

"It's perfect." She stopped him, her arm wrapping around his back as he led her to the table. "This is beautiful, Castle. I can't believe you did all of this."

He pulled out her seat for her, a move that seemed far too chivalrous for him, and whispered into her ear as he pushed the seat forward. "For you, I'd do it all over again."

They talked all night, the conversation flowing easier now than it ever had before, and she found herself wondering why she ever waited so long.

* * *

Her phone buzzed beside her, her eyes squinting as she tried to keep out the morning light. "Beckett." She answered without looking at the name.

"Is that how you greet your fiancé? Your fiancé that you haven't seen in weeks?"

She found herself grinning as she lay back in bed, the phone pressed tight against her ear. "Sorry. Didn't look."

"You sound like you just woke up."

She groaned. "M'tired. I worked all night to run down leads in my case, we caught a break late." She snuggled in closer to her pillow, her body stretching as she woke up. "I miss you."

"I miss you too. I miss waking up to your beautiful face."

She chuckled, her hand coming up to wipe some dried drool off her chin. So hot. "I miss your snoring."

"I don't snore!" His incredulous voice made her laugh, her knees coming up to her chest.

"You do, and it's cute!" She stretched her free arm above her head, yawning before she could continue. "I got so used to it, it's kind of hard to sleep without it now."

"That's oddly sweet to hear."

She chuckled, sitting up in the bed and running her fingers through her hair. "What are you doing up so early anyway?"

"You know, just working on a little surprise for you." As he answered, she heard a knock on her front door.

"That's strange. Hold on." Her bare feet hit the cold wood on her floor, sending a shiver up her spine. The phone stayed plastered to her ear as she made her way to the front door. When he greeted her at the door with a wide smile, she threw her arms around him, melting into his embrace. He peppered kisses along her jaw, their mouths finally meeting for the first time in weeks, her hands fisted in his hair.

She pulled away long enough to end the call and pull him in, shutting the door behind them. "So how long were you waiting out there?" The timing wasn't right. He couldn't have known she would ask that question at that exact moment, could he?

"Not long. I was waiting for the perfect moment. Or I was going to wait until you hung up." His arms were around her waist, his lips mere centimeters from hers. "I told you, I missed you."

"Show me?" His boyish grin was enough of an answer as he pulled her into her bedroom, kicking the door closed behind them as they went.

* * *

She found him one day in their bedroom, going through the box of pictures she had hidden away. His fingers traced her face, lingering on the sapphire earrings Martha had given her, Lanie behind her fixing her up do. "I forgot I even still had those." She whispered, sinking to the ground next to him.

"The dress. It's stunning. Where did you find it?" He had switched to another photo, one of her outdoors, her hands clasped in front of her as she smiled off into the distance.

"It was my mother's. Dad found it when Lanie called."

His face was serious as he turned to her, his eyes pleading with her. "I'm so sorry." He turned back towards the photograph, his thumb tracing her form. "You looked beautiful, Kate."

She put her hands on his cheeks, making him look at her once again. "Don't start with that again." She leaned in and kissed him softly, reassuring him that all was okay. "You're here now. You're safe. We're still going strong, despite it all."

"I know." He shuffled the pictures around, looking at all the happy faces, faces that didn't stay happy for long. "I'm still sorry though."

"Fine, be sorry." She stood, heading to the closet. "But don't be sorry for long. Ryan just called, we have a case." And with that he stood, the pictures making their way back into the shoebox and his guilt getting shoved aside as he got ready for their day.

* * *

When Castle got home, Kate was eating popcorn and watching Star Wars, on her own quest to watch them all before the newest one came out. She had changed into comfy clothes as soon as she got home, sweatpants and a Tardis t-shirt that stretched across her protruding belly. Her hair was pulled out of her face into a messy bun. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head before settling next to her on the couch. "Lanie said you snapped at her earlier?"

"She said I was glowing. I'm not glowing." She shoved a handful of popcorn into her mouth, the salty snack satisfying her craving.

"So you snapped at her?" His hand found hers, his thumb rubbing in soothing circles.

She sighed, placing the bowl of popcorn next to her on the table. "I did, but I apologized. I just don't get it." Her eyes found his, her hand wrapped around her pregnant belly. "I'm bloated and weepy, and I can't make my hair do what I want it to, and I feel fat even though I know I'm not, so I snapped at her."

His smile was warm and sympathetic as his hand moved to her back, soothing her. "Kate, none of that is true. You're…"

"Don't tell me I'm beautiful." She cut him off, her hand plunging back into the popcorn bowl. "You say it too much, especially now that I'm as big as a whale."

He sighed, moving closer to her. "Fine. Can I tell you something else?" She shrugged, turning her head to give him her attention. "You are glowing. It's something about your eyes. It's like they have this faraway look as you imagine how life is going to change. Like every time you feel him kick you are picturing him in your mind's eye. And your eyes are filled with so much love." Her eyes started to sting as he talked, and as she blinked they filled with tears. Stupid hormones. "And your hair is different, but in a good way. It's thicker and longer and so much more fun to play with. It looks like it's full of life. You look like you're full of life, and I don't mean that just because you're growing one." She had to chuckle at that, her hand running over her abdomen, their son kicking in response. "I'm sorry I can't make you feel any less fat. I can just tell you that you definitely don't resemble a whale, and hope that you'll believe me."

"I believe you." She wiped a tear from her cheek, leaning forward to press a kiss to his lips. "Thank you for not telling me I'm beautiful."

He shrugged, his grin infectious. "Hey, whatever works."

* * *

After twenty-seven hours of labor, a lot of pushing, and just a little bit of cursing, she got to hold their son in her arms. His face was red as he screamed, his little fists balled up and his eyes squeezed shut. The nurse took him to clean him off, wrapped him in a blanket, and put him back in Kate's arms. "Hey, little man," she crooned, watching him settle, "it's about time we met properly, don't you think?" His cries quieted to a grizzle, his head turned in her direction. "I promise I'm gonna take such good care of you, okay?" She continued cooing at him, her voice soft so it wouldn't startle him, when she heard the shutter click of her husband's camera.

He was standing next to her, his phone out, and a guilty look on his face. "Castle please, delete that picture."

He pulled the phone close to him, protecting it against his body. If she wasn't so exhausted she might laugh at him. "No. Why should I?"

"I haven't slept in over a day, my hair's a mess, and I'm sure my face is all blotchy from crying. Delete it."

He shook his head again, turning the phone to her. "No. I think you're beautiful." And for the first time, she saw herself like he did. Bent over their newborn son, the biggest grin she'd ever seen on her face, and eyes filled with love. Her son was cradled to her chest and listening to her words, his face calm as she crooned. It was beautiful. They were beautiful.

She turned to him, fresh tears in her eyes as she grinned. "Okay. Keep it."

"I will." He teased, shoving the phone in his pocket and leaning over the bed. He reached out, touching the newborn's cheek, delighted as the boy moved his head toward his thumb. "Hey, Oliver! It's Dad. I can't wait to take you home with us." Kate looked up at him, their lips meeting with an innocent kiss, her life now complete. She didn't even realize it wasn't complete until that moment, there, with her two Castle boys.

"I can't wait."


	3. Call Me When You Get Home

“Beckett.”  She hadn’t answered the phone like that with him in a long time.  He could hear her voice laced with concern, most likely due to the foreign number calling her, him on a dangerous rescue mission without her.  

“I’ve got her, she’s safe.”  His eyes travelled to his daughter’s sleeping form, her face calm for now as she rested for the first time in days.  

“Oh, thank God,” she breathed.  He could almost see her now, shoulders relaxing, a soft smile curling into her face.  “And she wasn’t hurt at all?  No broken bones, no scratches, no burns or anything?”

“She wasn’t harmed physically, but I gave her Dr. Burke’s information so she can set up an appointment if she needs to.”

“Good.”  He could hear the smile in her reply, and for the first time in days, he felt like everything was going to be okay. “You know part of me wants to ask you why you just left without telling anyone, even though I already know.  And another part of me kicks myself for not joining you as soon as I realized something was up.”  He heard her bed creaking and he glanced at the clock, his guilt washing over him as he realized she’d been waiting up for his call.  

“I wouldn't have wanted that.”  He told her, his voice low so he wouldn't disturb his sleeping daughter.  “I needed someone there who could stay grounded just in case.”

“Castle, what about any of this whole messed up situation made you think I was grounded?”  She questioned him, her voice no longer soft and light, but hurt and demanding.  

“I just mean, you aren’t like me.  You aren’t emotionally invested in her like I am.”  

He heard her sigh, her frustration showing easily now that everyone was safe.  “You are right to a point.  I’m not as invested in her as you are.  You raised her, you’re her father, and I know that I can’t compete with that.”  She paused to figure out what to say next, a yawn escaping before she could continue.  “But I hope you know, and I hope she knows, that I love her too.”  

His heart swelled at the sentiment, warming him from the inside out.  “I know.  I think she does.”

“Do you really though?”  She was demanding, and more than anything he wished they could be talking in person, so he could give her the attention she deserved.  “Castle, Alexis is the single most important thing in your life.  Because you and I are seeing each other, she is also important to me.”  His mind raced with thoughts after her statement, first and loudest in his mind that Alexis was worth more than that, followed only by his wish that she be able to rest.  “But that’s not all she is to me.”  Kate continued, quieting some of his thoughts, his body relaxing as he realized that she wasn’t going to fight with him.  “Alexis is an amazing young woman.  She’s smart, she’s compassionate, and she’s driven.  I admire her.  She reminds me of myself when I was her age, but also of the girl that I wanted to be at her age.  And I’m sorry babe, but I’m gonna be blunt.  When I first met you, I wondered how someone like who you pretended to be could raise a person to be as great as she was.”  

He could feel his heart race as she praised his daughter, his head turning and watching her sleep.  His chest puffed out with pride as the woman he loved described Alexis in ways that he’d tried to so many times, as she saw the wonderful things that Meredith missed out on.  He chuckled at her last statement, his shoulders heaving up and down.  “Luck of the draw, I guess.”  

She chuckled then, her smile evident in her voice.  “No, it’s all you.  Now that I know who you are instead of judging you based on the person you played, I see where she gets it from.  Castle, I love Alexis, and I would have fought with myself whether we were dating or not.  Her missing killed me too.  It killed me, and Lanie, and everyone else in this precinct that ever had the pleasure of getting to know your amazing daughter.”  He heard her sniffle, the first sign of a crack in her walls, and he wished he was there to wipe the tear from her cheek, to thank her in person.  “So to tell you the truth, I wasn’t grounded.  Not once.  But I’m so happy to hear that she’s safe.”  

“Yeah.  Well, I’ll figure out a way to pass on your sentiments.”  Beside him, she started to snore, the sound soft but comforting to him.  She was there.  She was alive.  And he could hear just how alive she was all night long.  “Thank you for at least trying to stay calm.  And for loving her like you do.”  

“What are partners for?”  He grinned at that, settling into his bed, the phone pressed to his ear.  “So when are you two coming back?”

“I think two days?  The embassy set it up.  But I think it will be good, you know?  We’ll have a couple days to relax, catch up on our sleep, maybe process our thoughts for a bit.  Make a couple good memories in Paris so that we’ll want to come back.”  

“Good idea, Paris is on my list.”  

He pictured her smirking, his grin wide as she teased.  “Dropping hints again I see.”

“What can I say, my mother taught me the art of subtlety.”  

He laughed then, his chest rumbling and Alexis stirring in the bed beside him.  At her snort, he quieted his voice to a whisper.  “I should let you go.  International calls are expensive, and my kid is trying to sleep.”

“And I should try to get some sleep before I have to go back to work.”  He could hear the bed creak as she turned to her side, probably looking at the alarm clock.  “I have a busy day tomorrow, so I don’t know if I can talk then.”  

“We fly in the day after.”  It’s not the longest they’ve gone without speaking, but this conversation made him want to hold her in his arms, squeezing her tight so she would know how much he appreciated her words.  

“Call me when you get home?”  

He grinned.  “The moment we land.”  


	4. It's Two Sugars, Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set right after Alexis yells at Castle in Fool Me Once.

It was almost pitiful, how long he’d been sitting there, a defeated look on his face as he stared straight ahead.  She figured this wasn’t something that happened often, that the women in his life didn’t go out of their way to put him in his place.  She knew from experience that sometimes it was hard to have the courage to call out a parent like that, but she could guess that it wasn’t so easy to be on the receiving end of it either.  She made a mental note to call her father and apologize for calling him out when she thought he needed it.  

She stuck her head in the door, calling out to him again.  “Castle!  You’ve been in there moping long enough.  We have to go talk to Fletcher’s wife.  You want in?”  

He lifted his head from his hands.  “You’re right.  Sorry.”  He stood up from the table, still not meeting her eye, still embarrassed about the whole scene with Alexis.  “Let’s go solve a murder.”  

She held out a to go cup from the break room, flashing him a sympathetic smile even though he wasn’t looking.  “I thought you could use a pick me up.  It’s two sugars, right?”  

He met her eye then, a playful smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.  “Detective Beckett, when did you learn my coffee order?”  

She shrugged, looking away before he could see her face turn red.  “You know mine, I just figured I should learn yours.  I’ve been there when you ordered it.”  It was an honest enough response.  And if anyone else asked, that would be the story she stuck to.  She definitely didn’t watch him make it.  She didn’t watch him pick up the two sugar packets, shaking them by the top so that he didn’t make a mess when he tore them open.  She never observed him rip the tops of the packets off and dump both sugars into his cup.  She didn’t watch him methodically stuff the ripped pieces into one of the empty packets before tossing them into the garbage.  And she never watched him pour cream into his coffee, just enough to lighten the color.  And even if she did, she’d never admit it.  “Why does the fact that I know your coffee order surprise you so much?”  

He chuckled, falling in line with her as they walked to the elevator.  “Isn’t that always something that comes up on those dating websites?  That the relationship is solid if you know the other one’s coffee order?”

She rolled her eyes, her face no longer red.  “In your dreams, Castle.”  She wouldn’t tell him that Lanie had said the same thing when she found out he knew Kate’s order.  That the medical examiner had danced around, declaring them ‘meant to be’ while Kate laughed at the ridiculousness of the whole scenario.  

“I already told you about my dreams.”  He answered her, a cocky grin on his face.  

She scoffed, pressing the button to make the doors close.  “Yeah, I don’t need to hear them again.”  Where was that bearclaw when she needed it?


	5. Pull Over.  Let Me Drive for a While.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set early season 4.

Budget cuts.  Budget cuts meant the department couldn't afford a cushy plane ride to Virginia so she could assist them with their case.  Budget cuts meant the cheapest hotel with the lumpiest beds she had ever slept on, located right next door to the seedy bar that all the college kids seemed to frequent. And after three days of playing games with a deranged serial killer, she hated budget cuts for forcing her to drive back overnight before her shift in the morning.  

This particular killer was stopping in major cities as he made his way down the coast, playing games with the detectives as he traveled from major city to major city, killing four people in three days before moving on.  Kate had caught the cases of his victims in New York, and after a week and a half with no leads was almost ready to give up.  When Richmond PD had called, saying that they had a similar MO and that the FBI was setting up a task force, she begged Captain Gates to let her be on the first plane out.  

“You weren’t requested for this task force.  All they requested were your files.”  Her captain’s arms were crossed over her chest as she studied the detective in front of her.  

“I know, Sir, but I have an opportunity to bring justice to these families here, in the city.  If I don’t do this, I’m doing them a disservice.”  

Gates observed Kate through squinted eyes, biting the inside of her cheek as she decided what to do.  “Fine.”  Kate bit back her smile, offering a quick nod of her head in response.  “But, you have to drive, and I can’t authorize NYPD funds on a room until you have an official offer to join the task force.”  

Kate’s body ached at the thought of the long car ride ahead of her.  “There’s nothing you can do about the plane?”

Gates shook her head, rising from her desk.  “Budget cuts, detective.  The department won’t pay for flights unless it takes you more than six hours to drive there.  My husband has family in Virginia, it’s a little more than a five hour drive.”  She shrugged as she led Kate out of the room.  “Sorry detective.  Now, I suggest you get going if you want to make a difference.”  

She didn’t even know how Castle found out about the trip.  She hadn’t even told the boys, she had just returned home to throw some essentials in a bag and grab snacks for the road.  So when she heard knocking on her door, she was surprised to find him there, a bag in one hand and her coffee in the other.  She took the coffee, moving aside and letting him in.  “So, road trip to Richmond?”  

“Yeah.”  She didn’t ask him how he found out, it wouldn’t change anything.  “Are you ready to be stuck in a car with me?”

“The real question is, are you ready to be stuck in a car with me?”  He countered, making her roll her eyes and chuckle.  He had awful music ADD, and his wildly exaggerated stories sometimes drove her insane, but he would make the long drive bearable.  

They stopped at a gas station, where he bought the messiest snacks to share with her and a small case of water.  After she refused to let him pay for half of her gas, she pretended not to notice him slip money into the pocket on the door.  “You better not make a mess in my car, or else you’re paying the cleaning bill.”  

“That goes without saying.”  He held the bag out to her, his blue eyes playful.  “Cheez Doodle?”  She tried to resist, she really did, but ended up with her hand in the bag, grasping one between her finger and thumb and popping it into her mouth.  

They had fun on the ride there, singing along at the top of their lungs to classic rock, telling stories, and playing cheesy road trip games.  There weren’t any awkward silences between them, nothing to indicate that there were still hard feelings toward her.  It was the first time since her shooting that she felt like they were getting back on track.  

All that fun stopped in Richmond.  She was welcomed with open arms to the task force, and thrown head first into a series of puzzles and riddles to find their perp.  They chased down two false leads, racked their brains, and offered ideas until well after midnight.  When they finally got into their hotel room (one bed, Gates didn’t know Castle was there with her), she was ready to collapse.  

He took notice of the noisy bar next door, the one room, and limited privacy, and pulled out his phone.  “I’m going to see if they can upgrade us, or see if they can move us to the other side of the building.”  

“Don’t do that.”  He lowered his phone as she spoke, his eyebrows raised with his unasked questions.  “The department payed for this room, and they tend to get a little annoyed when people don’t stay in the rooms.”  

He sighed, returning his phone to his pocket.  “Okay, I guess I can understand that.”  He moved to the bed, pulling the pillows from one side and moving them to the floor in front of the television.  

“What are you doing?”  Kate asked him, pulling a blue t-shirt and her pair of NYPD sweatpants from her bag.  

“Setting up on the floor.”  He gestured toward his makeshift bed.  “I mean, I didn’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but if you get a call early I want to be there, and it just makes sense to have us both stay here, right?”  

“Castle,” she stopped him before he could ramble on anymore, “just get in the bed.”

“Are you sure?”

She sighed, throwing her head back, her pajamas gripped in her hand.  “Castle, we are on a task force to catch a serial killer.  We will be up early in the morning, and most likely out just as late tomorrow.  We need your mind and mine to be as sharp as possible.  That means getting the best sleep possible.”  She walked to the bathroom with her pajamas and toiletry bag.  “Feel free to sleep in the bed.”

After changing, brushing her teeth, and taking off her make-up, she left the bathroom, finding Castle in the bed, but laying as close to the edge as he could manage without falling off.  She rolled her eyes, turning off the lights and climbing in on the other side.  “Goodnight, Castle.”

“Night, Beckett.”  His voice sounded far away as she drifted off to sleep, her body relaxing into the lumpy mattress and soft pillows.  

The alarm felt like it came far too early.  She turned it off, stretching her arms above her head and throwing the blankets off.  “Is it time to go?”  Her partner spoke up from the other side of the bed.  

“Almost,” she answered him, reaching for her bag, “we have to get dressed, and I’m not showing up without grabbing a coffee.”

“I second that.”  He answered, swinging his feet out of the bed and rubbing his eyes.  “You want the bathroom first?”

“Sure.  Thanks.”  She pulled out a shirt at random, shoving the bag underneath the bed again.  “Did you sleep alright?”  

“I think the floor might have been more comfortable.”  He groaned, and she stifled a chuckle.  “You?”

“Okay, but I wish it was longer.”  She smirked at him.  “You surprised me though, Castle.”  His eyebrows raised in question, following her as she made her way to the bathroom.  “I had you pegged as a blanket hog.”

That day was just as bad as the day before, except today the suspect knew they were closing in on him.  He called the tip line, feeding them false leads that they were obligated to follow up on.  The consequences if they didn’t were astronomical.  That turned out to be their job, running down false lead after false lead, interviewing the victims that the suspect had implicated and getting them somewhere safe.  There were thirty people that the suspect had implicated, and the list had been split between them and the local authorities while the FBI tried to sort out which threats were real.  

The clock was down to the last hour when they got the break they needed.  A caller reported that he had seen a man dragging two people into an abandoned warehouse just outside of Richmond.  He had heard the woman screaming and ducked down behind his car, and called them as soon as he felt safe.  They had tracked his phone and matched it with the address he had given, figuring out which side of the building he was on.  The next thing Kate knew, she was putting on her Kevlar and begging Castle to stay back with the medics.  Miraculously, he didn’t fight her.  Instead, she saw understanding in his eyes as he backed away, leaning on the side of the ambulance.  She met up with the rest of the team, gun and flashlight held out in front of her.  

It ended up being the FBI agents who took him down.  Kate helped the woman, Maya Rodrigues, to safety, a member of the Richmond PD following close behind her with the male victim.  Maya leaned all her weight on Kate's shoulder, trembling and limping as they made their way to the ambulance.  The relief that washed over Castle's body was evident, his shoulders relaxing, a soft smile on his face as he interacted with the lives they had saved.  

Kate got the opportunity to question the suspect, Martin Waters, about her cases in New York.  He was sick, practically throwing his involvement in her face and telling her all the grizzly details that she didn’t need to know.  Her stomach turned in knots as she listened to him, his gravelly voice making her skin crawl, and once again she was met with the realization that these callous people lived among them.  

When she had his signed confession, she left him behind in the interrogation room, shuddering as the door closed behind her.  Castle came out of the observation room, his face pale and grave.  His hand rested in the small of her back as they left together.  “I wasn’t even in the room with you two, and I feel like I need to shower after listening to that.”  

She shrugged his hand off of her, her skin still crawling, relief washing over her when he didn't question her and dropped his hand to his side.  "Yeah, me too."  She sighed, shaking off her unease.  She turned to meet his gaze.  “Why don’t we head back to the hotel?  You can shower, I’ll call Gates and fill her in, and then maybe, just maybe, I can get a good night of sleep.”

He chuckled, holding out his arm to her, which she accepted.  “On that mattress?  Good luck!”  

It was back in the hotel room that her hopes were shattered.  “Detective,” her boss started, “there has been a double homicide here, in the city, and the Commissioner is breathing down my neck.  I need you back in time for your shift tomorrow.”  

“With all due respect, Sir, I still have paperwork to do for this case, and a six hour drive ahead of me.  All this after barely getting any sleep last night and running myself ragged over the last two days.”  She was pacing around the room when Castle came out of the bathroom, watching her with concern.  “I can’t effectively run a new investigation under these conditions.”

“You’re going to have to, Detective.  And I expect you to give it your all.”

Her hand met her forehead in frustration.  “Yes, Sir.  Of course.  I’ll see you in the morning.”  She hung up and tossed the phone on the bed.  She met Castle’s concerned gaze.  “Pack your things, I need to be back in the morning.”

His jaw dropped as he glanced at the clock.  “It’s almost midnight!”  

She shrugged, throwing her clothing into her overnight bag.  “It doesn’t matter.  Gates wants me back for my shift at ten tomorrow, so we need to leave within the next hour.”  

He must have seen her frustration, his body slow as he approached her.  “Let me do that.”  He tugged on the strap of her bag, his eyes burning a hole into the top of her skull.    

She tugged it back, ignoring his concern in her anger.  “It’s fine.  I’ve got it.”  His sharp inhale clued her into her tone; she hadn’t realized she was snapping at him.  She took a breath, reminding herself that he was just trying to help.  “I’m sorry,” her voice was a whisper, “I’m just exhausted and upset.”

“I know.”  How he managed to convey his understanding, care for her, and concern in two little words, she’d never understand.  He tugged on the bag again, and this time she let the strap fall from her hands.  “So go shower, relax for a minute, and let me take care of this.”  She sighed, moving toward the bathroom, allowing him to take over.  At least she could wash off the filthy feeling that was left behind after questioning Waters.  Maybe that would lift her spirits.  

The drive back wasn’t as eventful.  In fact, Castle had fallen asleep about a half an hour in.  She didn’t blame him.  He had done just as much work over the last two days as she had, had received the same amount of sleep that she had, so it only made sense that he was sound asleep next to her.  His chin dropped down to his chest, his mouth hung open, and as he drifted off into a deeper sleep, he snored.  Loud.  She wanted to drown it out, but was afraid the loud music might wake him.  So instead she continued to drive, Castle’s snores a reminder of the sleep that she wanted but couldn’t get.  

When she started seeing signs for Philadelphia, he started stirring, waking with a snort, his head snapping up to rest on the headrest.  “How long was I out?”

“Three hours.”  She yawned, shaking her head to stay awake and focusing her eyes on the road in front of her.  “Lucky.”  

“Did I snore?  What about drool, did I drool, because that would be embarrassing.”  

She forced a chuckle, his cheerfulness not quite enough to make her feel better this time.  “There is more than one reason that you remind me of Hooch, Castle.”  She saw him in the corner of her eye rub at his chin before stretching out his feet.  “No drool, but I think your snores kept the wild animals away.”  

“Yeah, Alexis told me that I’m pretty loud.  It gets worse when I sleep in odd positions though.”  

She scoffed.  “At least you get some sleep.”  He didn’t answer her, but she could feel his eyes studying her as he tried to figure out what to say.  “I mean, at this point it will be almost seven when we get back to the city.  I have to drop you off and get back to my place, eat something that doesn’t resemble a Cheez Doodle, and fix my makeup so I look at least slightly professional and a little less like a zombie.”  

“For what it’s worth,” he started, his voice mischievous, “you couldn’t look like a zombie if you tried.”  

“Are you sure about that?”  She asked, her voice cracking as her frustration bubbled to the surface.  “Because I don’t think you’ve seen me when I haven’t slept in twenty-four hours.  When the last sleep I got was on a crap mattress next to a cheap bar for the local college drunks.”  She felt the hot sting in her eyes and blinked rapidly to get rid of the tears that threatened to spill out.  “I mean, you get to go back to your house, and climb into your bed and just sleep for the rest of the day if you want to.  I have to work a case.”

“Beckett, are you…”  His voice trailed off as the tears spilled out of her eyes.  So much for staying strong.  Her exhaustion and frustration had taken over, and now she was crying over something stupid.  

“No.  Shut up.”  It was so childish, and she knew it, but maybe he’d listen for once and let her try to get a handle on her emotions.  

“Beckett,” his voice was soft, laced with concern, and she feared she’d never get her emotions under control if he continued to speak to her like that, “pull over.  Let me drive for a while.”  

She could have fought him.  She could have told him that he couldn’t because it was an NYPD vehicle for her use only.  She could have ignored his gentle plea, pretending not to hear it.  She was pretty sure he wouldn’t have pushed, and would let her drive the remaining two and a half hours she had left in relative silence.  But she didn’t do any of this.  She pulled over to the side of the road, putting the car in park and climbing out of her seat.  She walked around the front, and climbed into the door that he left open, resting her head on the headrest and closing her eyes.  She toed off her shoes, leaving them on the floor as she tucked her feet underneath her body.  Her head rested against the window as Castle took off, and she looked into the trees, her eyes searching for things that weren’t there.  “Thanks.”  She managed to choke out before sleep overtook her.  

She woke to him shaking her shoulder, ever so slightly, afraid to startle her.  “Beckett, I’m sorry, but it’s time to wake up.”  

She inhaled sharply, stretching her legs out and looking around.  They were outside of his building.  The sun was warm on her face, and she squeezed her eyes shut to avoid the brightness.  “What time is it?”

“Eight-thirty.”  She groaned.  She had an hour and a half to get to work.  “I drove around for a little while longer.  You were out cold.”  

She did the math in her head.  “You let me sleep for four hours?”

He shrugged, opening his door.  “You deserved it.  I also filled the tank because I decided to drive around a bit longer.”

She got out of the car as well, and waited by the driver’s side door while he pulled out his bag from the back seat.  “You didn’t have to do that.”  

“I felt bad.”  He grinned, a playful twinkle in his eye.  “Besides, someone needed to keep the wild animals away.”  

Her eyes rolled backwards as he teased her, a smile returning to her face.  “I don’t snore.”

“Sure you do!  It’s quiet and adorable.”  She glared over her shoulder at him as she opened the door, fighting back her grin as he smirked back at her.  “I mean, of course you don’t snore, Detective.  Whatever you say.”  

“You got that right.”  She climbed in and slammed the door, leaning out the window to address him once more.  “See you soon, Castle.  Thank you for keeping me company.”  

“Always.”  He flashed her that grin that had his face lighting up, the one that made her warm inside and out, and she waved to him as she drove off to her place, ready to start the day.  

She got to the station on time, in wrinkled pants and a blouse that was just a tiny bit too big for her, but she was there.  The boys had set up the murder board and were each running down leads while she caught up.  She had the crime scene photos and autopsy report spread all over her desk.  She wasn’t expecting the cardboard cup to be plopped down in front of her, or for her partner to sink down into his chair next to her desk.  “So.  Double homicide?”

The corners of her mouth pulled upward as she moved the photos toward him, taking a sip of the warm coffee that she definitely needed to get through the day.  “Yeah, home invasion.  The owners were both killed in the living room, but we aren’t sure if that was the intent, or if the killer just thought they weren’t home.”  They discussed the photos together, bent over her desk, tossing theories back and forth at one another, exactly the way it was supposed to be.

 


	6. It Reminded Me of You.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set anytime pre-couple

He found himself gravitating toward the food booths, the smell of fried food making his stomach rumble.  But instead of the funnel cake that was making his mouth water, his daughter pulled him by the hand over to the games, the stuffed animal prizes drawing her eye.  He didn’t blame her, they were cute.  Monkeys and tigers in pinks, purples, and oranges.  There were a few Disney characters dressed in funny outfits, a few dolphins, and some plush sports balls too.  “Dad!  I want to win a green monkey!”  

He dragged his feet behind her.  “Alexis!  I’m starving!”  He pointed toward the funnel cake booth, making puppy dog eyes at his daughter.

She whirled around, her eyebrows raised as blue eyes met his.  “You’ve already had fried dough, two hot dogs, mozzarella sticks, and a large frozen lemonade.  I think the funnel cake can wait a few minutes.”  Her head jerked toward the almost empty game.  “But right now we have the best chances at winning something!”

He dragged his feet behind her, slipping her a dollar as she sat at the seat, her thumbs on the triggers for the water gun.  “These games are notoriously rigged, you know.”  

She shrugged, one eye closed as she tested her aim.  “There's like four other people here.  I have a better chance, and I really want that green monkey!”  

The worker was doing his job, trying his hardest to entice people over, pulling in another two people.  He was young and personable, a kind smile and pleasant voice that demanded attention.  He turned in Castle’s direction, flashing him a friendly smile and indicating the empty spot next to Alexis.  “Come on, sir, are you really going to make her win that animal all by herself?” 

Alexis turned back, her gaze playful as she raised one of her eyebrows.  “Yeah Dad, are you going to make me do it all by myself?”

“She’s all set, I guess the odds are in her favor or something.”  As the man turned away, Castle saw it, the perfect prize.  Two dolls, Chip and Dale.  Chip was dressed in a black and white striped shirt, a black mask over his eyes, complete with a ball and chain.  Dale’s mouth was open, revealing his two teeth.  He had on a grey tall hat, a blue jacket with a yellow star badge, a pair of handcuffs hanging from his belt.  “Wait a sec, I changed my mind.”  He took the seat next to his daughter, handing money to the attendant.  When met with Alexis’ confused gaze, he pointed to where the two chipmunks were sitting.  “Chip and Dale, dressed like a policeman and a bandit!”  She rolled her eyes, returning to her target.  Castle copied her, lowering his head and checking his aim.  When the buzzer sounded and the water started squirting, his aim was dead on.  So when the bell rang after a few seconds, he expected it to be him. 

“We’ve got a winner over here!  This beauty at gun number six!”  Castle raised his eyes to the number above his lane.  Five.  That coupled with a squeal of delight from his daughter told him what he needed to know.  

“The green monkey please!”  She pointed, the attendant reaching for it and handing it over with a smile.  

“Congratulations!  I guess you didn't need your Dad’s help after all.”  

She stood, hugging the creature close to her.  “Come on, Dad.  Let’s get your funnel cake.”

Instead, Castle handed more money to the attendant, his hands on the buttons again.  “Nope.  Now I want Chip and Dale.”  His daughter chuckled at him, standing back and watching as another twelve people joined him at the table.  She wished him good luck and stood back, giving him space to concentrate on his target.  But with more people at the table, he didn’t stand a chance.  He wasn’t surprised when someone on the other side won, picking out a giant plush basketball to take home with him.  

At this point, everyone was playing the games.  The next few games the table filled up, all twenty spots with a hopeful person, aiming the water gun at a hole in the center of their target, and each time someone else got an animal, Castle’s heart fell.  The worker looked down at him just as he was about to walk away, his smile kind and inviting.  “You are dedicated, sir.  It will happen for you eventually, I promise.”  

But when another two games went by without a win, Castle stood up to leave.  The worker caught his eye and waved him over.  “What were you trying for?  You played a bunch, I think I can give it to you.”  

Castle shook his head, his eyes landing on Policeman Dale.  “No thanks.  I wanted to win it.”  

“Go pick a lane.”  The attendant was grinning, brown eyes laughing.  

Castle put his hands in his pockets, pulling out the fabric.  “I’m all out of cash.  Maybe I’ll come back.”  

“No, go to lane four.  You’ve played about fourteen games, right?”

Castle counted in his head, his hands lingering on the water gun.  “Give or take a few.  Why?”

“Play fourteen games, get the fifteenth free.”  He flipped the switch, activating lane four and walking to the end of the booth.  “It’s your call, but if you don’t sit there someone else will.”

So he sat, Alexis cheering him on behind as he took aim one more time.  Same as before, his gun was aimed right in the center of the target.  But this time, when the bell rang, the lights were going off above his lane, the attendant congratulating him with a wide grin.  “What can I get for you, sir?”  Castle pointed in the direction of the chipmunks, the attendant reaching up and pulling down one of them.  Chip, the bandit.  

Castle waved his hand in the man’s direction, catching his attention.  “Wait!  Sorry, can I get the policeman one?  It’s for my partner.”  He offered the worker a sheepish grin as his shoulders shrugged upward.  

The attendant grinned, reaching up and pulling down the other chipmunk, passing both of them down to him.  “Keep them both, man.  You earned them!”  They were each about the size of a teddy bear, made out of that cheap velvet material that all carnival toys seemed to be made out of.  But the way he grinned as he turned to meet his daughter’s eye, you would have thought they were his most prized possessions.  

* * *

 

When he made his way into the precinct the next morning, he had the usual tray of coffee in one hand, and Dale tucked under his arm.  Kate was hunched over her desk, chestnut locks brushing the top of her desk as she looked over reports.  He didn’t have to see her face to know she was wrinkling her nose as she concentrated on the words in front of her, completely consumed by her work.  He made his way over, plopping the tray down next to her, delighting in her enthusiastic gratitude as she grasped her cup in both her hands and took a gulp of the warm liquid.  She put the cup near her keyboard, pointing to the chipmunk under his arm.  “Don’t tell me Chip gets to shadow me too.”  

Castle sat in his seat, the chipmunk in his lap.  His fingers danced along the edge of the police hat, picking off any dust and stray threads he found.  “Actually this is Dale.  Chip’s nose is brown, like a chocolate chip.”  

She grinned, warm and small, just for him.  “You would know that.  But why is he here?”  

Castle thrust the chipmunk toward her, watching her eyebrows raise in surprise.  “It’s for you!  I spent way too much time at the carnival last night trying to win him.”  

She chuckled, accepting the toy.  “Why?”  

“It reminded me of you.”  

Her eyebrow raised, her mouth pursed as she bit back her initial response.  “You know my uniform doesn’t look like this, right?”  

He laughed, pulling out his phone.  “It’s not just the costume.  It’s that face you make.”  

Her mouth dropped in mock offense.  “What face?”

“You know, when people tell you to pose for a silly picture, you always make the same face.”  Realization flashed across her face as he spoke, a smirk playing on her face as she shook her head back and forth.  She then did it for him, puffing out her cheeks and crossing her eyes.  “That one!”  He cried out, turning heads at the precinct.  

She giggled, placing the chipmunk on her desk.  “Well thank you.  I’m honored.”  

“I have Chip, he’s dressed in a prison outfit!”  He showed her the pictures on his phone, the ones he took last night of Chip and Dale sitting side by side on top of his piano.  

“Fitting.”  She teased, handing the phone back to him.  Now it was his turn to mock offense, hiding it behind his cup of coffee.  She offered him that small smile again, warming his soul more than any coffee could.  “Thank you.”  She turned back to the file in front of her, pushing it toward him.  “So, any theories?  I’m drawing a blank.”  He grinned, leaning over the desk with her.  They shot things back and forth until they had something they could work with, a direction to follow.

Once they become official, when she’s moving boxes in, she brings out a small one with her knick-knacks to place on the shelves.  Out of that box came Dale, his hat flattened by picture frames.  But he watches her lovingly fix the hat, and sit Dale down on the piano next to Chip.  Just like it was meant to be.  


	7. Well, What Do You Want to Do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU for Cops and Robbers. The prompt I based this on (other than the sentence from the tumblr post) will be at the end!

_His brain was fuzzy.  The last thing he remembered, he was at a bank with his mother, and now he was at a coffee shop, a notebook on the table in front of him.  He glanced down, looking at his outfit, trying to determine how much time has passed.  It was the same outfit he remembered wearing when he woke up this morning.  Was it this morning?_

_A woman, two tables over seemed to be doing the same thing.  She started patting at her side, breathing out a sigh of relief as she sat back in her seat.  “Everything okay?”  He asked her, studying her face._

_She glanced up at him, striking hazel eyes meeting his.  “Yeah.  Just a strange sensation, that’s all.”  Her hand stayed glued to her hip, finding comfort in whatever she was holding onto._

_“Just a strange question, because I like to imagine the impossible, but did you maybe just experience a time jump?”  He watched her face as he moved to her table, watched as her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes darted around._

_She shook her head, loose tendrils of hair falling from her bun.  “No, that can’t be it.  This whole day has to be a dream.”_

_He raised his eyebrows at her, tucking his little notebook away.  “Well then this has been one hell of a dream.”_

_She chuckled, her arms crossing at her chest.  “You’re telling me.”_

_He held his hand out to her.  “So, if this is some weird dream, do we introduce ourselves?”_

_She looked at his hand with trepidation, her mind still mulling over the events at hand.  She ended up taking it, her handshake firm.  “Kate.”_

_He offered her a friendly grin, squeezing her hand just a bit more firmly.  “Rick.”_

“Dad!  Dad!”  Alexis’ voice rang out clear as Kate faded, a hand stroking his face.  “Grams, he’s awake.”  He opened his eyes, meeting his daughter’s, finding them full of tears.  He heard beeping monitors, a few pages, and shuffling on the other side of him.  

“Richard, darling, you had us so worried.”  Martha grabbed his other hand, pulling it to her mouth and kissing his knuckles.  

He met his daughter’s eyes again, noting a sharp pain in his side.  “Kate?”  He choked out, his voice barely a whisper.  

Her face fell, tears streaming down her face.  “No, Dad, it’s me, Alexis.  Remember?”  It broke his heart because that’s not what he meant.  But he didn’t have time to explain, slipping out of consciousness once again.  

_He was back in the coffee shop, sitting across from Kate once more.  Except now she was crying, her head on the table, her shoulders heaving.  “What just happened?”  She ignored him, her head still down, her beautiful hazel eyes hidden from him.  He reached out, touching her shoulder.  “What’s wrong?”_

_“My Dad, he sounded so broken.”  Her voice was a whisper, he had to lean in to hear her.  “My friends are hopeful but my Dad…” she trailed off, an audible sob escaping her lips._

_Castle thought back to his daughter, tears streaming down her face.  “So we had similar experiences.”_

_She brought her head up to look at him, her face red.  “So you heard your family too?”_

_He nodded, his hand grabbing hers again.  “Yeah, and I saw my daughter, Alexis, crying just before I came back here, to you.”_

_She let out a breath, shaking her head and fighting back tears.  “I didn’t see them, I heard them.  I couldn’t open my eyes, I couldn’t squeeze his hand.  I could just hear him pleading with me to wake up.  He sounded so broken, Rick, just destroyed.  I’m all he has left.”_

_He didn’t know what compelled him to it, but his hand found her cheek, his thumb wiping away her tears.  “I’m sorry.”  He at least heard his mother, and knowing that for now, Alexis had her was comforting.  “But your friends are hopeful at least, right?”_

_She grinned then, small and soft, her head leaning into his hand.  “Yeah, Espo kept saying that I’m the toughest person he knows, that I have to bounce back.  Lanie was arguing with the doctor about my Glasgow score, fighting for me.  And Ryan was telling me that he and Jenny wanted to start a family, and he wants to make me Godmother, so I’d better wake up.”_

_He grinned at her, his hand falling from her face.  “Sounds like a great group.”_

_“Yeah.”  She fixed her eyes on a point behind him and he let her be, sorting out her thoughts.  He pulled the little notebook out of his pocket, trying to figure out what he remembered last._ Hostages in bank.  Trapper John.  Gun. _She watched him, pulling the notebook from his hands.  “Wait, were you in the bank?”_

_“Yeah, were you?”  He doesn’t remember what happened or who else was there, just that he was there.  Maybe she could help him fill in the blanks._

_“I wasn’t in it, I was outside of it.  I’m a detective, I started training in hostage negotiations a few weeks ago, and they thought it would be good for me to be there.”  Her eyes met his, filled with sympathy.  “I think you might be the hostage they shot.”_

_His heart stopped as she spoke.  He tried to remember it.  He remembered Trapper John on the phone, threatening to shoot hostages.  He remembered the gun being pointed at his mother, and that was it.  He reached down, feeling the left side of his body where he had felt the pain for the brief moment he was awake.  Nothing now, but that couldn’t be.  Something happened.  “Well, I’m alive.  I saw my kid, heard my mother.  And you’re alive but immobile.  So what are we doing here?”_

_She shrugged.  “Whatever we want?”_

_He copied her movements, the notebook making its way back into his pocket.  “Well, what do you want to do?”_

_She leaned over, smiling as her eyes found what she was looking for.  “Well, we are in a coffee shop.  Can I buy you a coffee, Rick?”_

_He grinned, his stomach rumbling.  “And maybe some donuts.  Cops like donuts, right?”_

_“Shut up.”_

She heard the monitors beeping around her and footsteps pacing on one side of her bed.  Someone was holding her hand, probably her father, their elbows depressing the mattress next to her.  “Her eyelids have been fluttering, that’s a good sign.  And she’s started moaning.  Her Glasgow score is going up.”  Lanie explained, her voice steady next to her.  She wasn’t the one pacing.  “She’ll wake up, Jim.  I feel it in my bones.”  

His hand tightened around hers as he pulled it toward him, his lips grazing her knuckles.  “I can’t lose her too.”  

“You won’t.”  Ryan spoke up from where he was pacing.  “She’ll be okay.  She has to be.”  

Kate fought to open her eyes, move anything, squeeze her father’s hand back.  She took a breath, happy to note that she was breathing on her own, no tubes to block her throat.  She could move her tongue, just a bit, but just enough to form the one word she needed to.  

It wasn’t easy.  She made the motions over and over, but she managed to grunt out a “Da”, using all her effort to get his attention.  She knows he heard when he squeezes her hand harder, her fingers sticky with his tears.  

“Come one Katie.  I know you’re in there.”  His voice was a whisper, and she felt him grasping her hand between both of his as she slipped back into unconsciousness.  

_“You’re back!”  Rick grinned as she reoriented herself, the cup of coffee in front of her half touched._

_“Yeah.  I spoke to my Dad, sort of.”  She thought back to her friend’s reassuring words to him.  “He’s got plenty of people looking out for him though.”_

_“I’m happy to hear that.”  He looked around the shop, noticing the other people there for the first time.  “Do you think everyone here is like us?  Unconscious and hurt?”_

_Her eyebrows knit together with concern.  “I don’t even want to think about that.  It’s so depressing.”_

_“It’s not a hard leap to make though.  I mean, that’s why we’re here, in this strange limbo.”_

_“Are we really though?”  She played with the cup in front of her.  “How do we know that this isn’t some elaborate dream I’ve come up with?”_

_“You know, they say you can’t dream up someone that you’ve never seen before.  Trust me, if I’d seen you, I’d remember.”  She blushed at that, brushing the fallen pieces of her bun out of her face._

_She narrowed her eyes at him, studying him.  “You look familiar to me though, and I can’t place it.”_

_He ignored her, ducking his face from her view.  If she realized where she knew him from, she might think this was all a dream.  She might shut herself down.  And he wanted to spend as much time in this weird limbo with her as he could.  “So we were gonna maybe do something, right?  Other than sit in this coffee shop all day.”_

_She smirked, one eyebrow raising as she crossed her arms in front of her.  “Something fun.  You have anything in mind?”_

_He smirked, holding out his hand.  “I think I do.”_

_He brought her to Coney Island, though how they got there she didn’t remember.  She grabbed his hand, and suddenly they were there, the famous white roller coaster in front of them.  “Please tell me you like these?”  His blue eyes pleaded with her, her hand still clasped in his._

_She grinned, gripping his hand tighter.  “Are you kidding?  I used to ride on this with my Mom all the time!”_

_He let out a sigh of relief, pulling her toward the entrance.  “Good.  Because Alexis doesn’t like them and I’ve always had to go by myself.”_

_“Oh, you poor thing.”  She teased, pulling her hand from his.  She hadn’t been on in ages though.  She tried once, after her mother was gone, but without Johanna screaming next to her, it just wasn’t the same._

_He crossed his arms while they waited, his eyes studying her, a curious look etched into his face.  “So, a detective.  That must be cool.”_

_She breathed out a sigh of relief when he didn’t ask why.  Everyone always asked why.  “It is.  I work homicides.  The weirder the better.”_

_His face lit up as she spoke, and he bounced on the balls of his feet.  “That’s so cool!  I got to shadow someone in the CIA for a little bit, but they didn’t solve any murders.”_

_She snorted, her grin wide as they spoke.  “You shadowed someone at the CIA?  Yeah, I totally believe that.”_

_“I did, for about a year.  She was great.”  He gazed off into space, a nostalgic smile playing on his lips._

_“I give her props, I couldn’t do that.”_

_“Do what?”  He asked, his eyes meeting hers again._

_“Let someone in on my investigations.  I’m a bit of a control freak, and I wouldn’t want an outsider messing it up.”  She stepped over the side of the car and sat in the second seat._

_“I didn’t mess it up!”  He protested as the lap bar came down.  “I helped!”_

_She chuckled.  “Sure you did.”  The roller coaster brought them forward, the chains catching, the coaster lurching as the rest of the cars caught up.  His hands were already up, balled into fists.  She kept hers gripped tightly on the bar in front of them, her knuckles turning white.  As they went down the first drop, she screamed with delight, the wind pulling out more of her hair.  She laughed as they travelled around the bends, looking over once to see her companion’s elated face._

Back in the real world, Jim clutched his daughter’s hand close as she tightened her grip on it, a hint of a smile dancing on her face.  

Rick’s eyes opened again, his daughter curled up and asleep in the chair next to him.  He could hear her snores.  He tried to move his hand to touch her, run his fingers through her hair and reassure her that he would be alright.  “Richard, are you up?”  

He turned his head, finding his mother wide awake.  “Yeah, for now.”  His voice was raspy and came out in a whisper.  

“Do you know who we are?”  

The look she gave him broke him apart.  He didn’t mean to cause them to have so many doubts.  He was just disoriented.  “Of course, Mom.  I know who you are.”  Her relieved smile took some of those feelings away.  “What happened?”  

She moved forward, grasping his hand in hers, tears in her eyes.  “I owe you my life, Richard.”  She sniffled, bringing a handkerchief to her nose.  “You put yourself between me and that bullet.”  

“I don’t remember.  I just remember a gun.”  He wanted to stay, to talk to her more, but he could feel himself slipping away again.  

“If you had died, I don’t think I could have forgiven myself.”

_He found himself sitting at a picnic table across from Kate, watching her shove ice cream by the spoonful into her mouth.  “How’s your family doing?”_

_His head was ringing, and he squeezed his eyes shut to make it stop.  “Okay I think?  Alexis was sleeping, Mother keeping vigil at my side.”  She pushed a cup toward him, chocolate ice cream with rainbow sprinkles, a treat he accepted.  “She told me I saved her from the bullet, that I jumped in front of it for her.”_

_“Doesn’t surprise me.”  At his raised eyebrows, she continued, explaining her thought process.  “I mean, you just seem like a family man.  You have a daughter that you care about a lot, and I feel like you would be the type of man to go to extraordinary lengths to protect the ones you love.”_

_He grinned.  “And you’re getting all of this from…”_

_“The look in your eyes when you talk about her.  You must be proud of her.”  She finished for him, a small smile playing in the corners of her mouth._

_“I am.  She’s great.  I don’t know what I did in this world to deserve her, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”_

_Kate’s face fell as he spoke, her eyes looking down.  “Just promise me something, for Alexis.”_

_“Anything.”_

_“Just,”  she paused, letting out a breath as she gathered her thoughts, “when you wake up for good, be careful.  Don’t do anything crazy or reckless like follow the CIA without training.”  Her hazel eyes met his again, holding back tears as she spoke.  “I know what it’s like to lose a parent at a young age.  Make sure she never knows that feeling.”_

_He reached out then, grabbing her hand and squeezing it tight.  “I’m sorry for your loss.  And yes, I’ll be careful for her.”_

_“Good.”  Kate set her face, returning to her ice cream.  “So, are we about done here, because I have somewhere else I’d like to go in mind.”_

_He grabbed her hand, afraid to get separated.  He wasn’t sure how travel worked in limbo any more than she was.  “After you.”_

_The scenery changed around them, and now instead of sitting at a picnic table at Coney Island, they were sitting on a bench at Central Park.  Mary Poppins organ music was playing from behind them, a smile stretching across his face as he recognized it.  “Alexis loved the carousel when she was little.”_

_“So did I.”  Kate mused, closing her eyes as she listened to the music.  “My cousin and I used to play here when we were younger, make pretend games mostly.  And we fought over this one horse, our favorite one.  I named it Polina.”_

_“Alexis called one ‘Sparky.’  I never figured out why.”  She chuckled at that, playing with her hands in her lap.  “Why did you want to come here?”_

_She shrugged.  “It reminds me of good times.”  She turned her head to meet his gaze, her eyes glistening with tears.  “You’ve woken up, you’ve spoken to your family.  You’ll get to go back and make more good memories.  But right now I don’t know if I will.  So I want to relive my memories.  You’re just along for the ride.”_

_“Okay.  Whatever you want to do.”  He agreed, offering her a smile._

_So she spent the next chunk of time telling him all about her cousin, and what it was like to play with her in the park.  How they used to hide from their parents, how she taught Sofia how to climb trees.  She taught Sofia some Russian, the words sounding funnier on her cousin’s lips than when they came from her mother’s mouth.  This was where she’d come on her first date, Tony Parker bringing her here to the carousel, and making out with her for the first time in one of the chariots._

_She took Rick’s hand and they were in Shea stadium, where she recounted stories about her Father, how he taught her to keep track of the stats of her favorite players, and bought hot dogs and lemonade for her.  It was their time, separate from her mother, and so precious to her._

_Next he knew he was in the New York Public Library.  His grin grew.  This was by far his favorite spot in their travels.  She wandered around, passing people who were paying them no mind, until she found one of the armchairs.  “I used to curl myself up here and read after Mom died.  I brought her books with me, and even discovered a few of my own.”  She turned to him then, a triumphant look on her face.  “I know why you look so familiar.  You looked back at me from book jackets, Richard Castle.”  His heart fell as she said his name, her skepticism showing in her facial expressions.  “You know, I wonder why, out of all people, my mind conjured you to take this journey with me?  I mean, yes, your books helped me through my mother’s murder, but why wouldn’t she be here?”_

_He sighed.  “Because this isn’t an afterlife.  This is limbo.”_

_She shook her head, her arms crossing over her chest.  “No, this is a dream.  Limbo isn’t real, people don’t have adventures there.”  She sat in the chair, her elbows resting on her knees, her head in her hands.  “No, I conjured you here because I’m in crisis.  Your words helped me through one, now you’re here to help me through another, to help me get back.”_

_He sighed, sitting in the seat next to her.  “No, I’m here.  Right here.”  He grabbed her hand, wondering how she could ignore something that was right in front of her.  Except he wasn’t at least, not in real life.  Everything was different here._

_“This stinks though, because when I wake up I won’t have any connection to you.  You won’t recognize me in the streets or at your signings, but I’ll have all these memories of our time together.”_

_“That’s it!”  He yelled, making a few heads turn in their direction.  “That’s how I’ll convince you.  Tell me something about yourself that you’ve never told anyone, so when I see you I can repeat it!”_

_She scoffed, shaking her head and crossing her arms as she sat back in her seat.  “Nope.  Not gonna happen.  I’m a private person, Mr. Castle.”_

_He wiggled his eyebrows at her, making her smile and roll her eyes.  “If it’s just a dream, than you have nothing to lose.”_

_He watched her chew on her bottom lip, her eyes narrowed as she thought it over.  “Okay, fine.”  She searched in the air around her for a secret she could tell him, one that was innocent enough that it wouldn’t come back to haunt her.  “When I was in middle school, my classmates wanted me to teach them swears in Russian.  Instead I taught them words like butterfly and rainbow, so when they called each other names they weren’t really being bad.”_

_As she smiled at the memory, so did he, and he swore the world got brighter as she grinned.  “So if I see you in the real world, I’ll ask you to swear at me in Russian.”_

_She nodded once, determination etched into her features.  “Deal.”  Her eyes found his again, her brows furrowed in confusion.  “So why’d you kill Derrick Storm?”_

_“It was boring.  It felt like work.  And then my Alex Powers series was a flop.”  His shoulders heaved up and down as his spirits fell.  “I just haven’t found my inspiration yet.”_

_She sat back in her chair.  “Well, maybe this situation we’re in right now can be an inspiration.  I’d read it.”_

_“Maybe.”_

_They stayed in the library for a bit, wandering through the stacks, time an illusion to them both.  Then they travelled.  They spent some time in Paris at the Louvre and wandering the halls of Versailles.  She took him to her favorite spots in Kiev, telling him all her wild college stories as they visited the city.  In Moscow she wowed him, the foreign language smoothly flowing from her lips, making him wrap his arms around her, whispering in her ear how hot he thought it was.  She’d let go of her inhibitions, her wall, convinced it was all a dream.  But somewhere in the back of her mind she hoped that somehow it wasn’t, and that some day she could have this type of relationship with someone, hopefully this someone.  When she found herself thinking like that, she pushed it aside, ignoring it to allow herself to enjoy the moments in the present._

_It wasn’t until they were in Venice that they were separated for more than just a few minutes at a time.  She’d been resting in his arms on a gondola, watching the sunlight dance over the canals, her head tilted upward to catch her lips with his when she left limbo, disappearing from his warm embrace._

She awoke with a start, taking in a large gulp of air, her eyes flying open.  Her Father was watching her, tears streaming down his face, and as she opened her eyes he threw himself on her, his body trembling.  Lanie was above her head, smoothing her hair and talking to her.  “Kate, I need you to say something to me, anything.”  

Kate opened her mouth, taking a deep breath.  “Happened?”  was all she got out, even that hoarse and just barely audible.  

“There was C4 in the bank.  You were too close to the blast zone and you got knocked out.  You’ve been in a pretty bad coma for the last few days.”  Her friend explained to her, in a soft voice.  

The next thing she knew her doctor was in the room, ushering her family out and performing a battery of mental tests, including asking her what year it was, the names of her parents, what she did for work, and her captain’s name.  They pinched her, poked her, and tested her reflexes.  By the time they left, updating her Glasgow score on the board, she was too exhausted to talk anymore.  Her father left, promising to be back tomorrow.  Lanie stroked her hair until she fell asleep.  And when she did succumb, it was dark, no longer that limbo world, and she realized she forgot to even ask anyone if Richard Castle had been in the bank.  

She didn’t tell anyone about her dream.  She was the skeptic, and she didn’t want to answer any weird questions about it.  She almost googled the author, interested in finding out if he even had a daughter, wondering if she had made those details up about him in her head.  But she stopped before pressing the return key, realizing that it didn’t matter.  She could have read that information about him anywhere, knowing whether or not she was right wouldn’t make a difference.  

It was weeks before she made her way back to work.  But pacing around her father’s cabin wasn’t doing it for her.  She walked through the bullpen, her coworkers cheering and clapping as she made her way to her Captain’s office.  

In there, joking around with Captain Montgomery, was the writer who had been on her mind.  She felt her heartbeat pick up as she saw him from behind.  Montgomery indicated that she was there and Rick spun around to greet her.  His eyes were just as blue as she remembered them from her dream, his boyish grin exciting every atom in her body.  “Detective!  I heard you can teach me how to swear in Russian.”  

Her face hurt from smiling as she threw her arms around him.  “Rick!”  He grabbed her and held her close, swinging her back and forth while she stood on her tip-toes.  

“So, you two know each other?”  Her captain inquired, his eyes flickering back and forth between them.  

“It’s complicated.”

“It’s a long story.”  They answered simultaneously, Kate still holding onto him as she pulled away because he was _here_ and she didn’t want to let him go.  

“Let’s just say, I lost track of her, and have been searching the homicide units of every precinct in this city to find her.”  He answered, his hand resting in the small of her back.  

“Well, you found her.”  He turned to face Kate, his face stern.  “Beckett, you have work to catch up on, paperwork to complete, and the department has ordered a recertification test.  If I were you I’d get started.”  Kate didn’t argue, only nodded at each of his points.   As she turned to leave, her hand still laced with Rick’s, Montgomery called her name out, making her turn to look at him from the doorway.  “It’s great to have you back, Detective.”  

She nodded, a proud grin plastered on her face.  “Thank you, sir.  It’s nice to be back.”  

She tugged her new friend to her desk, pulling over a chair so he could sit next to her.  She leaned forward, her head resting in her hand as they spoke.  “I can’t believe you found me.”  

“You scared me!”  He hissed, his head resting close to hers as they spoke.  “I went back into limbo and you weren’t there.  I thought you’d died.”  

Her hand reached out for his, her thumb rubbing soothing circles into his hand.  “I’m right here.  I’m okay.”  She’d spent time doing that with her father for a few days after she’d woken up, reassuring him that she would be fine.  “I didn’t mean to leave you.”  If she’d gone back and he hadn’t been there, well that was a feeling she didn’t want to stomach, even if she did doubt the validity of their adventures.  

“I know, I’m not upset with you.”  His smile stretched across his lips, his hand reaching out to cup her face again.  “Just seeing you here is so surreal.”  

“I agree.”  

He leaned closer, his face inches from her as he whispered.  “Well, I’ve found you here, among the living.  What do you want to do?”

She thought back to their adventures, from the roller coaster, to their time spent in France, to their abrupt end in Venice, trying to pick her favorite trip, her favorite memory.  She closed the distance between them, capturing his lips in the soft kiss she hadn’t been able to give him in limbo.  When she pulled away, her eyes travelling from his, down to his lips, and back to his eyes again, she answered him, a warm smile on her face.  “I want to do it all again.  And more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagine your OTP/OT3 having never met before. They are very sick or badly injured and in the hospital, fading in and out of consciousness, and things are looking bleak with exception to the fact that whenever they fall asleep, they share a dream of getting to go anywhere they want together and do whatever they want, free from physical limitations, and become close through their sharing of this strange world as they attempt to recover. How the relationship grows is up to you.


	8. Close Your Eyes and Hold Out Your Hand

Three weeks away was two weeks and one day too many. Sure, they skyped, and texted constantly, but three weeks with a whole country dividing him and his wife was too much.

He lingered outside the door, his key in his hand, and listened to the sounds coming from inside. She was singing, the sound carrying over the water in the sink as she cleaned up after herself. It was his favorite song, or at least his favorite song to listen to her sing,  _Just the Way You Are_ , her voice smooth as she performed the ballad. He could see her in his mind's eye, singing into the oversized spoon that she had used to stir whatever she had cooked. That image was all it took for him to open the door, the familiarity making him relax for the first time in weeks.

As he kicked off his shoes, his wife, still singing, came over to greet him, her body melting into his as she wrapped her arms around his neck. His arms found her waist, his lips her cheek so he wouldn't interrupt her song. His heart beat faster as she stopped singing, turning her head to catch his lips with hers, a small moan escaping from deep within her. "Did you really think that a cheek kiss would be good enough after three weeks?" Her eyebrows were raised with mirth as she met his eyes, her stare playful, giving him a hint of what was to come.

"I just really like it when you sing." She rolled her eyes in response, pressing another quick kiss to his lips before pushing away from him and making her way back to the kitchen. He shrugged off his jacket, hanging it and making his way over to the table. There was a lone plate, chicken, rice, and mixed vegetables and a glass of red wine. He raised his eyebrow at her, sitting in the chair. "What's the occasion?"

She shrugged, sitting next to him. "I ate already. I felt like I was starving." Something about the way she was studying him led him to believe otherwise. Her gaze lingered on his face, waiting to see if he had believed her. What threw him off was the thought that she didn't lie to him about eating. If she didn't eat, she was blunt about it, sometimes throwing a granola bar down her throat to appease him. He didn't understand why she felt like she had to lie.

"Kate, what's going on?"

"I can't make you dinner?" She wasn't accusing him. No, instead she seemed just as playful as before, her eyebrows raised, her hazel eyes dancing with laughter.

"Of course you can! That's not what I mean, it's just, you're acting strange." She reacted to that, exhaling through her nose, a smirk playing on her face as she formulated a response. He interrupted her before she could start. "Not a bad strange, a good strange. But different, you know? Something has to be up."

She sighed, moving from the table to the kitchen. "I wanted to wait a bit longer, but I guess your detecting skills have clued you in." She sauntered back toward him, her hands behind her back. When she arrived beside him, she bent over, her lips almost touching his outer ear. "Close your eyes, and hold out your hands." His heartbeat picked up as he reacted, his hands out in front of him and his eyes closed, the anticipation making his whole body tingle. He felt the cloth hit his hands, a soft feeling jersey material that he rubbed between his hands. "Open them." She commanded, her voice laced with laughter.

On top of the cloth rested a long piece of plastic, upside down do he couldn't see the screen. It didn't matter, he knew what it said. He turned it over anyway, tears clouding his eyes so he couldn't even see the two pink lines on the tiny screen. He dropped it on the table, inspecting the cloth more closely. It was white, a blue tardis printed on it, and in a child's handwriting were the words 'future doctor'. He put that on the table next to the plastic, his hands moving to caress the still-flat abdomen of his wife who had taken the seat next to him. "Really?" She nodded, tears in her own eyes as her hand came to caress his cheek. He bent his head down, putting his mouth level with her belly-button, and spoke with a soft voice, as if he was worried about disturbing the being growing inside. "Hey there, Cosmo!" His mind wandered, a little boy with Kate's eyes and his hair running through the loft. At one point the boy turned into a girl, looking exactly like her mother and taking his breath away, so he spoke again. "Or Cosma!"

She laughed then, the sound clear through the loft as she gently pulled his head up to look him in the eye. "Not gonna happen, babe."

He shrugged. "You say that now." His head returned to her stomach, his lips pressed close to it as he spoke to their child. "Don't worry, I'll convince her those are great names."


	9. The Key is Under The Mat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set somewhere between seasons 3 and 4.

The ping of her phone drew her eyes from her book to where her phone rested on the kitchen table.  It wasn’t supposed to be on.  Her Dad told her that first day that she wasn’t allowed to text the boys or anyone about the case.  Instead, she was supposed to focus on resting and healing.  She’d only turned it on to check her email, and only because her Aunt Theresa called and told her she sent an ecard.   She had been good, her thumb lingering over the NYPD folder for a few seconds before she put the phone down and headed back to the couch.  

She heard it ping again, reminding her that she had a message, just in case she forgot. She tugged the blanket around her shoulders, leaving the book open on the couch as she shuffled toward her impatient phone.  The message waiting for her was from her impatient partner, who had remained surprisingly patient throughout this whole ordeal.  In fact, in almost a month, this was the first time he’d sent her anything since she asked for time.   _I know you are taking time, I understand that, and I’m not trying to push you into anything.  I just wanted to let you know that I have an advanced copy of Heat Rises with your name on it if you’d like it._   Despite her confusion, she could feel the corners of her mouth pulling upward, the kindness of his gesture warming her heart.  

The phone came back with her to the couch, her knees curling up into her chest as she figured out what, if anything, she wanted to send back.  Her conscience tugged at her guilt, reminding her that the last time she’d seen him she lied.  Sort of.  At least that’s how she was rationalizing it.  Because for a while she didn’t remember much other than his face above hers, declaring his love.  At first she thought it was some delirious dream, something that tethered her towards the light instead of the darkness.  Something she wanted to hear instead of something she actually did hear.  Except as her memories became less hazy, she realized it was real, not imagined.  And she’d started to realize that eventually, Castle was what she wanted.

Hence the last message on her phone from Josh.   _I know you were there today, I could hear your footsteps as you tried to get away from the door.  What’s wrong, Kate?  Why are you avoiding me?_   It was stupid, ignoring him.  But she was starting to realize that a relationship just wasn’t in the cards for her right now.  And even if it was, it wouldn’t be with Josh.  But how does she go about breaking up with someone who almost risked his job to save her life?  

Her thumbs tapped out a response, lingering for a moment over the send button before her finger landed on it, her heart and head pulling her in two different directions.   _I would love that.  Thank you._

She shouldn’t have been surprised when he answered her back so soon, before she managed to find her place in  _Naked Heat_.   _Just tell me the easiest way to get it to you._   

Her reply was sent before she considered the implications, her heart taking the lead before her head could tell her to stop.   _You could just bring it here.  I’m not in the city much these days._

_Oh yeah, your Dad’s cabin.  What’s it like out there?_

She laughed to herself, looking around the empty room, listening to the sounds of the leaves rustling, the birds chirping.   _It’s beautiful, but I’m starting to get bored.  My Dad works a ton, so my only adult conversation seems to be with myself until he gets home._

 _I’m sorry.  No Josh?_   She chuckled at that, her partner so predictable.  And she wanted to find it annoying, but she couldn’t.  Whether it was because it meant he was being supportive, ready to listen to her problems like any good friend would, or because it meant he had accepted her continued relationship as a confirmation that she didn’t feel the same way, she didn’t know.  But she couldn’t fault him in either of those.  

 _No.  I don’t know what I’m doing with that anyway._   

 _Okay._   He didn’t press for information, and she wondered how hard that had to be for him, the man who always needed to know the story.  She wasn’t going to give him any information either, not until she talked to Josh first.  He deserved that much at least.   _Just tell me a time and place, and I’ll be there with your very own copy of Heat Rises._   

She typed out the address of the cabin, her fingers moving fast, the prospect of seeing someone, anyone, overstepping the logical part of her brain that told her it was a bad idea.   _I mean, I pretty much read, watch Netflix, and sleep all day, so whatever works best for you works best for me._

_I can come by later today._

_I might be upstairs, so if you knock and I don’t answer, the key is under the mat.  Feel free to let yourself in._   It saved her from exerting herself to get to the door.  She did enough exerting herself at physical therapy.  Some days, like today, were better than others.  And she didn’t want to test it.  

She switched screens, Josh’s name at the top of her screen.  She took a deep breath, clearing her head before typing out a message.   _I’m sorry, my head isn’t where it should be.  Can we talk tomorrow?_

She returned to her book, making it through half of a chapter before Josh replied.   _Will you come to the door this time?_   It would have made her angry if she didn’t deserve it.  

_Yes._

_See you tomorrow._   Pushing the phone aside and flipping the switch so it would remain silent, she returned to her book, letting her partner’s words comfort her.  She tugged the blanket closed around her, and read until she fell asleep.  

The rattling doorknob woke her around an hour later, her partner entering with a triumphant look on his face.  “Your door sticks.”  He teased, dropping the key on the table next to the door, his blue eyes sparkling with mirth.  

“I know.  It keeps bigfoot out.”  She thrust her chin toward the window, hoping he would look.  

He did as she expected, turning back towards her with a serious look.  “Beckett!  Don’t tease about that!”  

She sat up, heaving her shoulders up and down and ignoring the pull of her wound.  “I guess you just missed him.  Oh well.”  She pointed to the boot tray next to the door.  “Take off your shoes before you come in any further.  Dad hates mud on the floors.”  He complied, holding his bag closer to his chest.  

“This is the kind of adult conversation you’ve been craving, huh?”  As she laughed he continued, her reaction spurring him on.  “I thought you said I was the childish one!  You know I didn’t have to come all the way out here.”  

“I know, and I will forever be grateful.”  He sat next to her, his eyes watching her every move, as if looking for a sign of her injury.  She ignored him the best way she could, by grabbing his hand and diverting his attention to her face.  “I missed having you around, you know.”

He grinned, his smile warming her from the inside out.  “I missed you too.”  

She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing tight.  His arms wrapped hesitantly around her waist, his touch light and careful.  She found herself rolling her eyes, squeezing his neck tighter.  “Castle, you can hug me, you know.  I’m not gonna break.”  At her words, his arms grew tighter, the hug she’d wanted to give him since the day she remembered how he tried to save her life.  When she pulled away, her eyes drifted to the bag at his feet.  “That looks like more than just a book.”  

His face lit up as he lifted the bag into his lap.  “It is.  You said you were bored, so I brought a few more things.”  He rummaged around, pulling out the book that was trapped at the bottom of the bag.  “This is yours to read at your leisure.”  His hands returned to the bag as she took the book from him, tucking it away at her side with her phone and  _Naked Heat_.  Next he pulled out a box set, the blue box on the front unmistakable.  “I thought I could get you hooked on a new show.”

She chuckled, pushing the stray pieces of her hair out of her face.  “I hate to burst your bubble, Castle, but I already watched all the episodes that were available on Netflix.”  Her sheepish grin made him chuckle, the box set returning to his bag.  

He rummaged around some more, pulling out a few movies.  “Well, I brought my Star Wars collection if you’re into that.”  

She leaned forward, plucking the fifth one out of his hand.  “This one.  Let’s watch this one.”  

As she stood, making her way over to the DVD player, he wrapped his hands around her arms, tugging her backward.  “I’ve got it, don’t worry.”  

Her eyes rolled at that, and she twisted to see the concern wash across his face.  “Castle, I’m not broken.  I may not be able to hold my arms above my head for long periods of time, and sometimes I feel out of breath easier than before.  But I am capable of putting the DVD in the player.”  

He leaned back in his seat, his hands landing on his legs.  “You’re right.  I’m sorry.”  

She sighed, offering him an apologetic smile.  “No, I’m sorry.  You’re trying to help.”  She leaned down and grabbed his hand, pulling him up.  “You know, if we’re going to have a movie marathon, I think we need some popcorn.  Want to go make it?”  

He grinned then, her offer alleviating his guilt.  “Yeah.  Just one question.”  At her quirked eyebrow he chuckled, moving toward the kitchen.  “Where is it?”  

“Second cabinet on the right, middle shelf.”  She popped the disc into the player, and made her way back to the couch, the blanket still draped over her shoulders.  She heard him rummaging around, looking for bowls, the popcorn just starting to pop in the microwave.  In fact, she didn’t look over towards him until she heard him stop.  He was staring down at the table, his hand tracing the letters on the book.  “It’s not what it looks like.”  She called to him, making him look in her direction.  

He turned to her, holding it up, the LSAT on the cover making her feel ill.  “It looks like you’re planning to quit.”  

She shook her head, bringing her knees up to her chest.  “I’m not planning anything.  That is my Dad’s not so subtle way of telling me that he thinks I should find a new job.”  Relief flooded his face.  “I haven’t even cracked it open.”  

“Would you leave, though?”  The microwave beeped behind him as he spoke.  

She shook her head, more hair falling out of her bun and tickling the sides of her face.  “No.  I like my job, I like what I do and the people I do it with.  I’m not done yet.”  

“Good.”  His smile was small, and he moved to the microwave, pouring the popcorn into a bowl and joining her on the couch.  

They watched the entire film, finishing two bowls of popcorn between them.  Then Castle switched the DVD to Return of the Jedi, and they watched that one too.  It wasn’t until he switched to Netflix, picking a random Doctor Who episode that her eyes started to get tired.  She leaned on him, her head on his shoulder as she started fading in and out.  Each time she came to, her head was further down his chest.  He didn’t move or protest, and instead started soothing her, his fingers touching her hair, the movement making her sink down into his lap.  

She woke as he tried to leave, his movements slow as he tried not to rouse her.  “Where you going?”  She groaned, lifting her head so he could move.  

“It’s late, I have to go home.  But I’ll leave the movies here if you’d like.”  

She shook her head, rubbing her eyes before sinking into the couch again.  “Have them here.  Thank you.”  

“It was my pleasure.  See you soon, Kate.”  His smile was warm and inviting, making her heart ache.  

“Mmm.  See you soon.”  He tucked the blanket around her and gathered his things, struggling less with the door on his way out.  As his car pulled away, she sank allowed herself to fall asleep, the words she wanted to say to him still forming in her mind.  Someday she’d tell him.  Just not today.  


	10. I Want You to Have This

##  Your place or mine?  The question she hated hearing, the question she hated asking, was the mantra by which they were living.  It didn't help that they rarely left together.  She always had paperwork to finish, he had a family to take care of, which meant late night phone calls and empty beds.

Her favorite nights were when she got back late, after a draining case, finding him waiting by her door with flowers or a bottle of wine.  But she always felt guilty, making him wait outside for her.  He did just as much work as she did while he was with her, and had to be as weary as she was after a long day. Those were the nights they collapsed into bed with each other, barely making it through a full glass of wine before their exhaustion set it, finding comfort in each other’s arms.  

“Your place or mine?”  He asked her one day, remaining a respectable distance away from her.  If things went the way she wanted them to, his hand would be situated in the small of her back, them leaving together instead of at arm's length from one another.  Except that, right now, would get people asking questions, questions they couldn’t answer.  

She brushed her hair behind her ear, meeting his baby blue eyes.  “Mine, but a little later.  I have to get a few things done.  Can I call you when I’m all done?”  

He grinned, his hand reaching out to grab hers before realizing what it was doing and returning his hand to his side.  “Of course.”  He looked around, taking note of who was there and paying attention before turning his head back toward her, his eyebrows raising up and down, making her laugh.  "See you tonight, Detective."  

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, her grin plastered on her face.  "See you tonight."  She left him, finding her car quickly and climbing in.  Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl played on the radio, and she sang along at the top of her lungs the entire trip to the hardware store.  

The machine was loud as it copied her key, the sound of metal grinding against metal sending shivers down her spine.  She walked into the next aisle, away from the noise, and let herself look at the covers, something he could put on top of it to distinguish it.  Her fingers landed on a simple blue cover before her eyes fell on the Iron Man rubber one.  Her hand moved to that stack, searching through their characters before settling on Iron Man.  

She left for the grocery store, his key tucked in her pocket.  She only bought important things now, cream for their coffee in the mornings, eggs, chicken in case they actually made dinner at her place, as well as a few boxes of pasta.  She called him from the car on the way home, him picking up after the second ring.  

“You’re not home yet.”  

Her mouth dropped open as she pressed on the gas pedal just a little bit harder.  “You’re waiting outside again, aren’t you?”

“Well, Alexis was leaving to go to the library, and my Mother had some of her students over, rehearsing.  I couldn’t get much done.”  

She chuckled, hitting her blinker to turn into her parking garage.  “Well, I’m just getting here, and I was calling to tell you to come on over whenever you were ready.  I guess you were just ready earlier than I’d expected.”  She pulled into her place, gathering the bags in one hand from the passenger side as she made her way to the elevator.  “Do you want to order something?  I don’t feel like cooking today.”  

“I can do that.  See you in a bit.”  She ended the call, putting the phone back in her pocket and pulling out the new key.  She carried it in her hand so he wouldn’t see the cover, or that it wasn’t attached to her keyring.  But by the time she got to him, he was deep in conversation with the restaurant, stopping only long enough to take the bags from her hands as she let them in.  

Once inside, she kicked off her heels as he started putting the groceries away, moving around her kitchen with the same ease that he moved around his own.  She watched him from the island, her head resting in her elbow, a soft smile on her face.  He hung up his phone, turning to meet her eye.  “They’ll be here in fifteen minutes.”  

“Good.”  She watched him put the last of the perishables away before tapping the seat next to her.  “Can you come here for a sec?”  His eyebrows knit together as he made his way to her, sitting and reaching his hand out towards her.  She tried not to alarm him as she pulled her hand away.  “We can’t keep doing this.”  At his widened eyes she chuckled, shaking her head and finding his knee with her free hand.  “Not this relationship, that’s not what I mean.”  

She watched him deflate, relief flooding his features as he relaxed.  “Good.  Could you tell I was a little worried for a second?”  His grin calmed her nerves, and she found herself leaning closer to him.  

“Sorry, my fault.  What I meant was, you can’t keep waiting for me outside my door like that.  I feel bad.  And what happens if I pull an all nighter at the precinct, are you just gonna wait there all night?”

His eyes were concerned, and he caught her free hand in his.  “I’m sorry.  I’ll wait for your call next time.”  

She shook her head, a smile playing across her features as her hair tickled her shoulders.  “No, that’s not what I want either.  I want you to have this.”  Her hand unfurled, revealing the key in her palm.  He looked like a kid at christmas, picking up the key and holding it delicately between his fingers.  

“Iron Man?  Kate,”

“I know, but they were out of Batman, and I figured Iron Man was next on the list for coolest toys.”  She interrupted, her arms crossing over her chest.  

“No, I was going to say that I loved it.”  His eyes shone as he slipped the key into his pocket and leaned forward, his lips meeting hers in a soft kiss.  They pulled apart so that their foreheads touched, each grinning, looking into the other’s eyes.  “Thank you.”  

She shrugged, getting up to put the rest of the groceries away.  “It just seemed like the next logical step.”  She didn’t go off on a tangent about how he was the only person in the world that she’d ever trusted enough with a key, or how she wasn’t afraid of what he may find because he already knew everything.  Sure, it was the next logical step, but it was so much more than just that.  There was a knock on the door then, and Castle got up to get their food.  And they collapsed into bed together that night, her head on his chest, listening to his breathing slow as she drifted off.  

The next day, in the cardboard holder around her coffee, she found her own key to his loft, a blue cartoon elephant painted on the top part of it.  


	11. Can I Kiss You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after my story, Castle's Secret. Trigger warnings apply to that story, but not so much this one because it's not directly mentioned.

She had never felt so helpless before, especially when it came to her husband.  But ever since he’d told her the biggest secret that he’s ever kept, he withdraws himself from each comforting gesture she offers.  She reaches out to touch his shoulder, make sure he knows she’s there, and he flinches away as if her touch burns his skin, and she hates it.  Even just holding his hand while they drove became strange, him pulling away after a few moments, the air around them heavy with doubt and sadness.  

The worst part was, she didn’t think he noticed.  The way his face fell when her hand fell from his shoulder, when their hands slipped apart, well it broke her heart into millions of tiny pieces.  She wanted nothing more than to have her husband back.  

It happened four days after he told her, in the morning, when she rolled over and lightly kissed him.  She wasn’t trying to prove anything, she wasn’t testing him, she was just doing what had come to feel natural.  He pulled away, sucking his lips into his mouth and biting down on them so that she couldn’t kiss him again.  She tried so hard not to react, not to push him before he was ready, but he must have seen the look in her eyes, the hurt and confusion.  “What’s happening?”

She breathed out a sigh of relief.  At least he’d noticed the differences.  “I don’t know, babe.  I feel so helpless.”  

His eyes narrowed as they met hers, the anger coming through striking a chord in her heart.  “Helpless is really the word you’re going with?”

It was her turn to pull away from him, his words stinging and his glare disheartening.  “Yes.  Helpless, inefficient, powerless.  Any and all of the above.”  He looked away from her then, his eyes closed as he controlled his breathing.  Her head was racing.  Where was this coming from?  What had she done wrong?  

She let him sit there, let him gather his thoughts and feelings, the whole time refusing to leave the bed.   “You don’t look at me the same.”  He choked out, still not meeting her gaze.  “Every time you touch me it seems stiff, like you’re doing it out of obligation.”  He moved his head and opened his eyes, finding her steady gaze.  “I can’t live like that, Kate.  I can’t have you pity me forever.”  

“Baby, no.”  She reached for his hand, this time squeezing tight when he tried to pull away.  “It’s not like that at all.”  She wanted to caress his face, to hold him close and not let go, but now he was squeezing onto her hand too, like a lifeline between them.  “I told you that this was uncharted territory, and I’m just trying to be here for you however you think you need me.  I don’t pity you.  Castle, I feel the same way about you today that I did yesterday, and four days ago, and four weeks ago.”  She shook her head, taking a moment to reframe her thoughts and offer her husband another reassuring squeeze.  “That’s not true, I do look at you differently.”  His face crumpled, and she released his hand to move it to his cheek, trying to keep his eyes on her.  “I admire you more, so much more than I ever realized was possible.”  She saw a tear fall from his eyes, and used her free hand to wipe away one of her own.  “I see your bravery more, even though I know it was always there, deep inside you as you coped.  And I see your pain, because you’re reliving it, and it kills me to watch.  But I don’t pity you.  I have never and will never pity you.”  

“So why does it feel so strange?  If what you are saying is true, why is your body so stiff every time you touch me?”  

“Because you pull away!  You flinch like I’m hurting you, and I hate it, so each time I reach out to you I’m afraid that it’s doing more harm than good.”  She was openly crying now, and so was he, as they discovered together how much this could destroy lives.  “And I’m afraid you’ll think I’m pushing you towards something you’re not ready for, and I just don’t know how to help you.  And I’m sorry.”  

“Don’t be sorry, Kate”  And with that he grabbed her, holding her closer than he had in days, letting her cry into his chest.  “I think that I’m a bit to blame for this too.”  

“No you’re not.  Don’t say stuff like that” She spoke, the sound muffled by his chest.  

“Not for that, but our stuff.  This problem we’re having right now.”  His fingers found her hair, his hands running through it as he talked.  “My biggest fear about telling you was that you would think I was disgusting.  I was afraid you’d only see the scared little boy who didn’t stop it.”  

She pushed herself up, looking at his face, a sense of urgency in her voice.  “We’ve been over this.  You were a little boy, it wasn’t your fault.  He took advantage.”

“I know.”  He whispered, tugging her back down.  She settled back into his chest, their fingers interlocking as he spoke.  “It doesn’t mean that I still don’t think it.  And every time you reach out to me, my mind goes there.  I am afraid that you think I’m wrong somehow, and that you are only touching me because you have to.  So I flinch away.”  He brought their hands up to rest near her head.  “See.  Not your fault.  I’m sorry I snapped at you.”  

Kate sniffled, turning her head so she could look him in the eye.  “What can I do that's going to help you?”

“I don't know.  This is uncharted territory for me too.”  He played with their hands, unlocking their fingers to play with hers.  “Maybe call me out on it, when I pull away.  It will remind me that you're trying to comfort me, and maybe I can reframe my thoughts?”  

“You don't sound too sure about that.”  Her voice was quiet, her insecurity clear as she looked away.  

“I'm not.”  He held her closer, and she could hear his frustration in his voice.  “But if it doesn't work, I'll be honest and let you know.  And then we can brainstorm other ideas.”  

She nodded, her head moving on his chest.  “I can do that.”  

“Thank you, Kate.”  They spent some time like this, her resting on him, his fingers in her hair.  The sound of his heart beating soothed her, and she snuggled deeper into him, her eyelids fluttering closed.  He pulled her hand up, pressing his lips to her knuckles.  “I’ve missed this.”

“Me too.”  She tilted her head back up to look him in the eye, her heart hopeful as she watched him.  “Can I kiss you?”  

He seemed taken aback by the question, his eyebrows furrowing together as he met her gaze.  “Yeah.  You can kiss me. You don’t have to ask.”  

She grinned, squeezing his hand and pushing herself up to meet him, their lips meeting in a soft kiss.  His hand found the back of her hair, hers the curve of his cheek.  She didn’t press for anything more, and neither did he, but each miniscule movement between them held a promise to communicate better and to try to understand the other’s point of view.  She tried to convey her love for him by keeping him close, her body melting into his, fitting into his every curve.  When they pulled away, she rested, her forehead against his, looking straight into his blue eyes.  Her hand came up to caress his cheek.  “I think that’s a much better start to our day, don’t you?”  

He grinned then, the smile warming her from the inside out, reassuring her that it would all be okay.  “Yeah.  Definitely way better.”  He wiggled his eyebrows, making her giggle in his arms.  “I could get used to that!”  He pulled her closer, his chin resting on her head, so she could listen to his heartbeat again against the steady rise of his chest.  “Thank you, for being there for me, and helping me heal.”  

She didn’t have to say it.  The tightening of her hand around his, and the soft press of her lips against his jaw made her ‘always’ known loud and clear.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’m sorry for the semi-depressing post, especially with everything in the world that’s been happening today. Today is a tough anniversary for me personally. Today marks eight years since I got myself out of a really bad situation. Eight years since I told my Mom about the monster that my step-father was when he wasn’t pretending to be amazing. And in a week, life as I knew it fell apart. So to me, it was really important to tell this story today, the continuation of the hardship that Castle is going through, something I have yet to face with a significant other, and something that scares me so much to even consider. So tomorrow I will try to post a lighter one, And I’ll push myself through the rest of this week. But I want to thank everyone for their support, and allowing me to share this journey with you. 
> 
> Also, for any followers in Paris, Beirut, Baghdad, Mexico, and Japan, stay safe, and you’re in my prayers.


	12. Call Me If You Need Anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set sometime in season 2

It wasn't the first time that she called him to a body and the call went unanswered.  It wasn't unusual for her head to drift to places that it shouldn't.  She always squared her shoulders and went in anyway; she never needed him at crime scenes before.  But for some strange reason, she found herself pushing down feelings of anger and jealousy in her gut.  

The boys were no help.  “Where’s your shadow, Beckett?”  Ryan asked her, his smirk lightening her mood a bit.  

“I don't know, he didn't pick up.” She kneeled down next to the body, watching her friend with practiced eyes.  

“Trouble in paradise?”  Espo joined his partner, and she heard the slap of their hands connecting as they congratulated one another.  

She didn’t let their celebration last long.  “Well, not all of us can have as close of a relationship as you two have.”  She turned to watch their faces fall, her eyebrows raised and a smirk on her face.  “You two set a date yet?”

“Funny.”  Ryan deadpanned, moving further away from his partner.  

“Yeah, we were just… I was just thinking that he would at least tell you why he wasn’t coming.”  She stifled her laughter as he fixed himself, distancing himself from Ryan, trying to make it seem like they didn’t always think alike.  

Lanie shot her an amused grin before standing, her clipboard resting on her arm.  “We’re looking at a single GSW, large caliber.  I don’t think the victim saw it coming.”  

Beckett sighed, looking at the missing information she had in her notes.  “Okay.  I’ll talk to his family.”  She looked at her partners, who were still making it a point to keep at least one person between them.  “You two should go talk to his coworkers, see if there were any problems there.”  She started to leave the apartment, her phone in her hand.  “I’m gonna try Castle again.”  

She called him from the car, and he answered on the second ring, speaking before she got the chance to start talking.  “I’m sorry, Alexis came home yesterday with a stomach bug, and she passed it on to me, and I’ve either been in the bathroom or sleeping all day, and do cops even get sick days?”  

“Slow down, keep calm.”  She commanded, her own voice controlled.  “Yes, cops have sick days.  Everyone has sick days.”

“Because you seem to never take a day off, which is almost unnatural.”

She chucked, grinning as she turned into the precinct parking lot.  “I just don't get sick a lot.  How’s Alexis?”  She tried to squash the overwhelming feeling of guilt as she remembered her thoughts earlier.  Why did she always expect so little of him?

“A little better than me.  She’s been watching Netflix all day, I keep hearing it when I'm up.”

“Is it anything good?”

“Chick flicks.”

She laughed, parking the car and climbing out of it.  “I'm sorry.  Take all the time you need, and call me if you need anything.”

“Will do.  See you tomorrow.  Or maybe the next day.”  

She worked the case like she always had, throwing her entire being into solving the murder.  She’d never needed him to help her before.  But the precinct seemed empty without his booming voice, and she found herself missing his outlandish theories.  And right around the time she usually went home, she realized that she hated the day passing without him in it.  She left with her jacket slung over her arm, a quick goodbye to her captain, before making it to her car, a list of things she needed to get on the way.  

With a plan in mind, the trip to the grocery store was quick, and she found herself weaving through the aisles and crowds of people with ease.  The ingredients found their way to her cart, everything from the chicken to the spices, because she couldn't be sure of what he had, although she was sure he had more than she did.  

At his apartment complex, she flashed her badge to get past the doorman, a perk she tried not to overuse.  But if things were as bad as they sounded, she didn't want to disturb anyone in the Castle loft until she was at the door.  Balancing three bags of stuff, she hit the button for his floor, and waited as it pulled her up to the top.  

Alexis opened the door, wrapped in a purple, comfy looking blanket, her hair in a messy bun, wearing the comfiest pajama pants.  “Detective Beckett.  What are you doing here?”

“Kate, please, call me Kate.”  It was something she wouldn't let the girl's father dream of doing, but the teen had no obligation to be so formal each time they met.  She held up the bags in her hand, grinning as Alexis stood aside, letting her in.  “I heard everyone was sick, and I remembered this soup my Mom used to make.”

“Beckett?”  She heard his voice come from the living room, the TV pausing as he turned to look.  “What are you doing here?”

“She wants to cook for us.”  Alexis answered, flopping down on the couch next to him.  

“You don't have to do that.”  His voice cracked with exhaustion, the effort it took for him to turn and look at her evident on his face.  

She shrugged, setting up in his kitchen.  “I know.  But my Mom made this amazing soup when I was younger, it always made me feel better.  And I thought I'd make it for you.”  She grinned at him, her eyebrows raising as she pulled things from the bags.  “It was weird without you there today, and I kind of figured I could tell you about the case tonight so you don't have to get all caught up tomorrow.”  

He got up then, pressing a kiss to his daughter’s head and moving to the island, his head resting in his hands.  “I'm all ears.”  

His kitchen was easy to navigate, and as she cut and cooked chicken, boiled noodles, and seasoned to taste, she filled him in on the current case, from the discovery of the body to their list of theories.  She laughed as he added his own, even his daughter giving him grief about how out there they were.  “Do you put up with this all the time?”  The girl had asked, making Castle feign offense as Beckett laughed.  She joined them at the table, the soup almost as good as she remembered it, and she figured this was as close as she would ever get to her Mom’s old recipe.  And she left them, with enough leftovers to make it through the rest of the week.  

She shouldn't have been surprised when she woke up for the first time that night, just making it to the bathroom in time.  By the third time, she’d called out of work, collapsing into her bed and snuggling into the pillows.  She checked the clock each time she woke, the only indication of the passing of time.  It wasn't until almost four that she made her way out of bed, her bones weary and sore even though she’d done nothing but sleep all day.  There, on her counter, a folded piece of paper sat, familiar handwriting on the front spelling out her last name.   She picked it up, smiling as she read, her hand already reaching for the bowls in her cabinet.

> _Lanie leant me your spare key so I could bring you leftovers from last night.  Because I know I could never recreate it for you, and I feel really sorry for getting you sick.  Feel better soon, and call me if you need anything.  Soup is in the fridge._
> 
> _-Castle_


	13. I'm Sorry For Your Loss

She doesn’t even ask who told him. She wasn’t surprised at all to feel him there behind her on the anniversary of her mother’s death, a bouquet of flowers in his hands. She doesn’t complain as he wraps an arm around her, letting her lean into his embrace, her face stoic as she tries not to fall apart. No one follows her here, no one has seen her break, but somehow she knows that her shadow won’t let her get away that easy. His solemn voice beside her, almost a whisper, telling her “I’m sorry for your loss,” almost does her in though. 

She sniffles, her face still stony as she turned to look at him. “It’s been ten years. You’d think it gets easier.” 

He shook his head, removing himself to place the flowers at the foot of the grave. “No I don’t. I think it’s something you manage.” He took her gloved hand in his, giving it a squeeze. “And I think it’s even harder to manage when she was taken so traumatically. And I can’t imagine a life without my mother in it.” 

She pulled her hand away from his, and crossed her arms across her chest. He wasn’t supposed to be this understanding. He was supposed to be bugging her, making inappropriate jokes about the cases, not comforting her when she wanted to cry. He patted her back, stepping away from her. “I’m gonna go get in my car and give you the time that you need. But I want you to join me for lunch afterward.” 

She whirled around, meeting his gaze for the first time since he had walked into the cemetery. “Why?” 

“Have you eaten today?” At her averted gaze, he knew the answer. It was just so hard on days like today, when her mother was all she could focus on. “Listen, I get it, you probably have other things on your mind. But you need to take care of yourself and eat so you can live out the rest of your life in your mother’s honor.” 

She nodded, meeting his baby blues once again. “You’re right.” 

His grin was smug. “I know. Besides, what would I do without my muse?” 

She rolled her eyes then. There was the Castle she’d grown to know. “Shut up and get in the car before I change my mind.” She said it with a smile on her face, laughter in her voice, but his quick retreating footsteps told her he had left. She set her eyes back on the grey stone in front of her. “See what I have to put up with now? I bet you’re up there laughing your ass off at me.” She grinned, imagining her mother telling her that this was exactly what she needed, someone who challenged her in every way possible. “He’s not all that bad. Just don’t tell him I said that.” She walked up to the grave, wiping the snow off the top. “I’ll be back to visit soon. Love and miss you.” She blew a kiss before heading toward the parking lot, wiping the stray tears from her face. 

At lunch, Castle bugged her, and made her tell stories until she was crying from laughter. He listened to the serious ones too, the ones that she had to fight back tears as she told. He threw in a few of his own which she secretly loved, so all the focus wouldn’t be on her. And for once on that day, she didn’t feel as lost. 

It became her new tradition, one she never expected to have. The year after, when they had a case, they still met up at the grave, Castle with another bouquet to lay at the base of her stone. They got there late, but Kate knew the way by heart, leading him through the stones without the aid of light. They didn’t stay as long, and he gave her the privacy to talk after, just like last time. But it was cold and late, and Kate promised to come visit another day to make up for it. 

The third year, the same year she was recovering from a bullet wound caused by looking into her mother’s case, he spoke for the first time as he laid the bouquet across the top of the gravestone. “Hey Mrs. Beckett,” he started, his voice low. 

“Call her Johanna.” Kate called from behind him, her smile warm despite the cold surrounding them. “She hated being called Mrs. Beckett.” 

“My apologies.” He addressed the stone, his back to Kate. “I just want to let you know, even though I’m sure you’re aware, that you have raised one hell of an amazing kid. And I know that’s not an easy thing to do. I heard you would have liked me, and I know I would have liked you too if I’d had the opportunity to meet you.” He turned back to meet Kate’s eye, grinning as he spoke. “And I just want you to know that I’ve got your daughter’s back.” With that he left, a reassuring squeeze lingering on her shoulder, the whispered “I’ll be waiting in the car” sending shivers down her spine. 

Kate stepped forward, her fingers touching her scar through her shirt. “I’m sorry if I worried you, Mom. I just think it’s been long enough, you know? You deserve justice.” She turned her head back toward the parking lot, where her partner was leaning against the car. “And I think that with the right help, I might be able to get it for you.” She grinned, her fingers tracing the letters in the stone. “I’ll try to be more careful next time.” She waited a moment, double checking to make sure he wasn’t near her. “He loves me, you know. He told me himself. And that scares me because I need to put your case behind me to fully be with him, to be fair with him.” She took a deep breath, pushing hair out of her face. “I promise I’m working on it. For him and for me. Because I deserve to be happy, and I really think that he can make me happy.” She shivered and shoved her hands into her pockets. “Okay. I should go. See you soon. Love and miss you.” She left blowing a kiss, like she always did, imagining her mother’s spirit floating down and catching it. 

When they started dating, they didn’t just go on January 9th. Kate continued to visit every month, making stops on Johanna’s birthday, mother’s day, her own birthday, and major holidays. Sometimes he joined her, sometimes he didn’t. A bouquet of yellow roses greeted her sometimes when she went alone, telling her Castle had been. They celebrated their engagement with her, Kate chattering away about planning a wedding while leaning into her fiancé’s embrace. When they solved the murder, she sat with him and sobbed, the huge weight lifted but not sinking in until she got there. She told her mother she was pregnant before she told her husband, whispering her fears into the air around her and wishing more than ever that Johanna could be there with her, to give her advice and to see her grandchild. 

They took Oliver two months after he was born, Kate determined to make sure that this would never be weird for him. Castle held their son as she talked, filling Johanna in on all his milestones, and how he made faces that looked just like her sometimes. The boy cooed, his eyes fixated on a point just past them, and she wondered, without voicing it out loud for her husband to hear, if he saw her out there. And she realized that no, it didn’t get any easier. The ache was still there. But with the right people surrounding her, she was able to manage.


	14. I'll See You Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coffee Shop AU because why not?

Sometimes, she couldn’t hear anything over the sound of the latte wand.  It changed too, depending on what she was trying to steam.  Milk made her thirsty, the sound making her remember her own half-finished latte in the break room out back.  Apple cider sounded like an airplane taking off, making her back away from the machine like it was going to explode.  

She preferred the night shifts at Jo’s.  She got the bustle of the people getting out of work, grabbing coffee and a sandwich on their way home.  It was mindless work, her body going through the motions with practiced ease, each drink a carefully concocted equation of coffee and dairy.  They had their regulars, the ones who she greeted with a smile as she began their order, their exchanges wordless most of the time.  Then there were the new people, who took their time studying the menu.  She had a gift, and was able to figure out exactly what they wanted by asking a few questions.  Then there were the ones who complained because “It’s not as good as Starbucks.”   _Then go to Starbucks._   She always wanted to bark back at them.  Jo’s wasn’t Starbucks, it would never be Starbucks, so why bother complaining?

After that rush, it usually died down a little, never completely stopping because it was New York City, and there was always something going on.  But that’s when she noticed the nesters, as she called them.  These people who always came in, same time every day, and sat at the tables, using all of their Wi-Fi.  Sometimes they ordered things, sometimes they didn’t, but she never had the heart to kick them out.  But this is why she noticed him.  

He always ordered something.  A coffee, cream and two sugars, every once in a while he got a fresh baked muffin to go with it.  And he sat at their little tables with a notebook and wrote.  No laptop, nothing guzzling their free Wi-Fi, but actual pen and paper.  He completely immersed himself in whatever he was doing, looking up from the page once in a while and staring off into space.  

She found the notebook there one night, after she had closed and locked the doors.  She couldn’t resist the urge to open the cover and take a peek.  Inside she found page after page of names with narratives written underneath.  She stopped towards the end, when she found a page with her name at the top.  Well, first it said, “The girl who makes my coffee,” but that was crossed out and her name was written next to it.  

_She lost somebody.  Someone who knew her better than anyone else, maybe a boyfriend or a brother.  And it wasn’t pretty, probably one of the many violent ways that someone can be taken from us.  At home her parents don’t talk about it, each refusing to acknowledge her pain, and if she brings it up, she feels like a burden._

_So she powers through, serving people with a bright smile, her service quick and accurate.  She makes sure no one leaves unhappy.  All the while, her sadness shows in her beautiful hazel eyes._   

She stopped reading, the narrative continuing past that, but she was afraid what else he might have uncovered just by watching her.  Her stomach churned, and she didn’t know whether to be flattered or creeped out.  So she closed the notebook, dropping it in the lost and found so she could give it back to him tomorrow.  

His hands were awkwardly bare the next day as he approached the counter, his eyes searching, refusing to meet her gaze.  “Did anyone happen to turn in a notebook after closing yesterday?”  

She nodded as she poured his coffee.  “Give me a second, I can get it for you.”  The look of relief that washed across his face almost made her smile, until she remembered what was in it.  She plopped the coffee down in front of him, her heart stopping as she met his piercing blue eyes.  “How did you know?”  

His expression grew pained, and he shrunk away from her.  “You read it?”  

She almost felt guilty.  Almost.  “I didn’t start out that way until I saw my name.  How did you know?”  Her voice became more demanding as she repeated the question, her eyes locked onto his.  

He shrugged, pushing money toward her before shrinking further away.  “I didn’t.  I’m a writer, I made it all up.”  

She could feel her anger brewing at his hesitance to answer.  “But you couldn’t have made it all up and come that close.”  

He shook his head, moving towards her with newfound confidence, and she found herself falling away from her approach.  “I’m sorry, but you have to understand.  I have talked to people from all walks of life, from all over the world, and I have only seen the kind of sadness that lies in your eyes in people who have lost someone extremely close to them in an emotionally scarring way.  I’m sorry if my made up story was a little too close for comfort.  You weren’t supposed to see it.”  

She let his words sink in, her arms crossing over her chest.  She never realized she was so easy to read.  Or he payed way too much attention.  “So that whole notebook is made up stories about people that you’ve observed?”  

He nodded, his expression softening.  “Yeah.  It’s kind of a warm up, but I like to pull out those characters and use them in my novels sometimes.”  

She caught her bottom lip between her teeth, a habit that used to drive her mother insane, as she looked the man up and down.  He didn’t seem crazy or creepy, and he seemed genuinely concerned that he had made her uncomfortable.  She indicated an empty table with her eyes.  “I’ll get your notebook, Mr…”

“Castle.  Rick Castle.  Thank you.”  She would be lying if she said she didn’t recognize the name.  His name was on more than a few books in her cabinet, as well as her Mother’s signed copies that her Father didn’t want.  She kept her emotions in check as she took care of the next few people that had shown up, before grabbing the notebook and sitting at his table.  He grinned at her, his smile warm and drawing her in.  “Don’t you have work to finish?”  

She shrugged, pushing the notebook toward him.  “It doesn’t take long to clean, and I’ll get up if anyone comes in.”  She leaned forward, her head in her hands.  “So, what were you planning to do with my character, Rick?”  

“Nothing yet.”  He opened the worn cover of the notebook, his fingers dancing over the pages.  “Some of these characters stay in here and never get touched.  Sometimes I expand on them, and make them leads.  That's how I came up with Derrick.”  He turned to her page, the one with her name at the top, his fingers crossing out the words next to her name again and again.  “This character would have stayed here until I decided to expand her.  When I chose which of her loved ones left this world before their time.  When I explored how she dealt with that pain.  When I gave her a name.”  He grinned again, his shoulders back, his face inviting.  “I wouldn't name her Kate.  She’s based on you, but she’s not you.”  

She leaned forward, her eyes glancing over the page of writing, all his little stories about her.  “What would her name be?”

“Why does it matter?”  

She sat back, huffing as he evaded her question.  “It doesn’t, I’m just interested.”  

She watched him sit in silence, the look on his face telling her that the gears were turning.  “Nicole,” he blurted, his eyes finding hers and begging for acceptance, “Nikki for short.”  

She let her smile shine through, her head nodding as she considered it.  “I like it.”  

They stayed there all night, Kate grilling him about her alter ego, only getting up when she had a customer, and returning right back to his table.  They discussed a lot about what this Nikki would and wouldn’t do, about her moral compass, and some of her likes and dislikes.  Kate wanted Nikki to be better than her, someone who didn’t push people away who were only there to help her.  But Rick explained how a character’s faults were his favorite to write.  How no person is perfect, so a character with faults is more human, and therefore more realistic, than a character without.  She hated kicking him out when it was time to leave.  “See you later?”  He asked, his body suddenly small like he was afraid of rejection.  

She laughed then, the sound bursting from her chest and surprising her.  “Yeah.  You know where to find me.”  She watched him leave, a triumphant grin on his face as he disappeared down the road.  

The next day he came in beaming, his notebook and a packet of pages tucked under his arm.  “What’s that?”  She asked him as she poured the cream in his coffee, just enough to change the color.  

“Nikki!”  He told her, his smile lighting up the room and lifting her spirits.  “I wrote a scene with her and Derrick.  I think they can be a crime-fighting duo!”  

She chuckled, getting coffee ready for the people behind him.   “Who am I to tell you you're wrong?”

He waited until the line was clear before leaning over the counter, his eyebrows raised.  “Want to read?”  The typed papers were pushed toward her, and she couldn't resist picking it up and glancing over the first paragraph.  

She looked up, indicating their table from the day before.  “Go sit.  I'll be right there.”  

This became a regular occurrence.  Rick would come in, new chapters in hand, beaming as she looked them over.  She was his sounding board, offering suggestions and cutting redundant phrases.  And he still managed to keep secrets, keeping her in the dark about who the killer was, his grin smug as she begged (yes, begged) for the answers.  Before she knew it, he had a book, a new series about Derrick Storm and her alter ego, Nikki Heat.  

She sat at their table, looking down at her very own advance copy, her fingers dancing around the corners.  “So this is it?  You’re just done?”  

“Not really.  We have a launch party coming up if you’d like to come.”  He was leaning towards her at the table, his eyes studying her face.  

“When?”

He pulled out his phone, scrolling through as he found the right time.  “Saturday, at seven.”  

Kate grimaced, pulling away from him.  “I have to work Saturday.  No one will cover.”  

He didn’t have to voice his disappointment, his face falling and shoulders slumping as she spoke.  “I get it.  Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”  

“It’s not your fault.  Why would you think I wanted to go?”  She stood, tucking the book underneath her arm.  “And it seems like we are at that time of the night again.”

“I know, I have to go.”  He flung his jacket over his arm, and swung around to meet her before she shoved him out.  “I’ll see you later.  I promise.”  

She laughed, pushing him out the door.  “You know where to find me.”  But this time, as he left, he didn’t walk away with a smile that lit up the world.  Instead, he left her with a sense of finality that she didn’t like.  

She didn’t see him for two weeks.  Granted, she knew he was busy, he had a new book to promote.  He was at signings and parties all over the city.  He’d even done a few interviews.  But he hadn’t stopped into Jo’s, not to get his coffee or to say hello.  And work became work again.  It wasn’t until she had a day off that she decided to go to one of his signings, and even that took a lot of convincing from her friends.  So she stood in line for hours for the second time in her life to get Rick Castle’s autograph.  She could feel her heart flutter as the line moved closer.  When she heard him laugh she swears she stopped breathing, and when she’s standing right in front of him, she wants to run.  But he looks up at her and meets her gaze with piercing blue eyes and a smile that makes her forget all her doubts.  “Kate!  You have a day off!”  

She chuckled, lowering herself to his level so no one would hear her.  “Did you seriously make the  _barista_  the murderer?”  

He laughed, opening her copy and holding it close, writing her a small paragraph.  He tugged it closer as she tried to peek over his arm, chastising her.  “No peeking!  You got to peek plenty already!”  She rolled her eyes, standing back and letting him write.  “You’re a barista.  I’m sure you know enough about your customers to commit the perfect murder and then frame somebody else.”  

She shrugged.  “Maybe.  But maybe I want to be more like Nikki, and solve the murders.”  

His face lit up as he closed her book and pushed it toward her.  “Really?”  

“Perhaps.”  It was as close to telling him that his character, the one he’d based on her, was her inspiration to move forward with her life.  “Time will tell.”  

With that, the brunette next to him started ushering more people forward, shoving Kate aside for the next group of fans.  But Rick made sure to wave to her, his voice loud above the crowd.  “I’ll see you later, Kate!”  

Her response was lost in the next sea of names and paper.  

She took the book back to Jo’s with her.  She ordered her latte and sat at their table, flipping the book open to the cover.  His handwriting looked the same as it did in his notebook, rushed and small, and she grinned as she remembered that first day.  

_To the real Nikki Heat,_

_I don’t know how to thank you.  I was stuck in a rut, and convinced that I had to kill off my favorite character just to find something new.  But with your help, and your insistence, Nikki was born.  She brought a new dynamic that this story needed, and she helped me see the fun again.  None of that would be possible without you._

_Also, I know where to find you, but you should always be able to find me._

_Thanks for everything, Richard Castle_

And underneath his signature were ten little numbers.  Ten little numbers that meant she would see him again.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my defense, when I started this chapter, I didn't know what a coffee shop AU was...


	15. Happy Birthday

He could hear the bustle of the city as he came to, the light from the window turning his eyelids red.  He stretched, his feet hitting the base of her bed, smiling as he rolled over to pull his girlfriend close.  Well, he tried to pull her close, except his hands met cold, ruffled sheets instead of her warm form.  His eyes opened and he looked around the room, wondering if he would see her getting dressed or something, eager to start her day.  When he didn’t, he stretched again before swinging his feet over the edge of the bed, fishing his boxers from the floor before venturing into the rest of her apartment.  

As soon as he left her bedroom, he could smell the coffee, and hear her humming to herself as she moved around her kitchen.  She had stolen his shirt, (not that he was complaining, it looked better on her than it ever did on him) and her hair was pulled back into a messy bun as she stood over the griddle, pouring pancake batter into even sized circles.  He snuck behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing a kiss to her cheek, delighting in her push backwards, bringing them closer.  “Shouldn’t I be cooking for you this morning?”

She shook her head before turning it to catch his lips on her own, the kiss soft and gentle.  She pulled away from him to flip the pancakes, a soft smile playing on her features.  “Not this year.  Next year maybe.”  She used the spatula to point to the coffee pot, her grin turning playful.  “Coffee?”  

“Is that really a question?”  He asked, moving to the cabinet to pull down two mugs.  “It looks like you haven’t had any yet this morning, would you like me to make you a cup?”

She bit her lip, checking to see how cooked the pancakes were on the bottoms.  “That may be why I asked if you wanted some.”  

He chuckled as he poured the coffee into the mugs, pulling the cream out of the refrigerator.  “Dropping hints I see.  Except you wouldn’t drop any hints about what you wanted for your birthday.”  

“That’s because I don’t want anything.”  She plopped the pancakes onto a plate.  “Babe, can you get the vanilla ice cream out of the freezer, please.”  

He obliged, giving her a confused look before pulling it out of the freezer.  “I’m all for traditions, but don’t you think we should eat breakfast first?”  

“This is part of breakfast.”  He watched as she plopped a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top of the pancakes, scooped up some strawberries that had been sitting in sugar from the bowl next to the sink, and covered that with chocolate syrup and whipped cream.  The grin on her face as she presented them to him was infectious.  “These are yours, I’m gonna make mine now.”  

He took the plate, laughing at the dessert that she’d offered him for breakfast.  “So, what is this?”  

She was concentrating as she poured two more pancakes.  “These are the special pancakes my Mom used to make for me every year.  It’s not my birthday without my special pancakes.”  

He dug into it, the chocolate chips still liquid, hanging onto each other in little threads as he separated them with his fork.  “So this is why you didn’t let me cook for you.”  

“Yeah.”  She turned to face him, the spatula grasped in both of her hands.  “I mean, if you’d woken up first and made something else, I would have insisted on these pancakes for dinner.”  

“Well in that case, am I allowed to cook you dinner tonight?”  He asked before shoving some of the sweet strawberries into his mouth.  

“Oh, most definitely.  It’s just breakfast that’s important.”  She flipped the pancakes, continuing to talk as her back was turned to him.  “I remember turning seven, my mom waking me up for school, a candle stuck in the ice cream.”  She turned back to him, popping a strawberry into her mouth.  “I begged her to make them again the next year.  And the year after that.  At some point I stopped asking, and she just made them.”  She smiled, her eyes looking off into the distance as she remembered.  “She made them for me once right after I broke up with my first boyfriend, to try and cheer me up.  And I remember looking at her and saying, ‘but it’s not my birthday!’  I didn’t want to associate them with heartbreak.  I wanted them to stay fun.”  She put her pancakes onto a plate, and followed the same process, a scoop of ice cream, strawberries, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream.  She sat across from him, her face childlike as she dug in.  The moan that escaped her throat could only be described as primal.  She finished the bit and looked back at him, her smile growing.  “Now they remind me of her.  I’ve been making them every year for myself since I turned twenty-five.  This year they’re almost as good as hers were.”  

“Well, these are pretty amazing.  I wish I could have experienced your mother’s.”  She smiled at him, her eyes only slightly sad as she shoved more food in her mouth.  And as she was remembering the past, he was seeing their future.  He imagined her waking up their kids on their birthday the same way, with pancakes and a candle, their eyes lighting up as their mother sang to them.  He couldn’t wait.  “So, do you have big plans for your special day?”  

She shrugged.  “I have lunch with my dad later.  No work today, somehow, so maybe I’ll go visit Mom.  And the rest of the day is up in the air.”  

“Sounds like a plan.  It gives me time to go out and buy you something.”  

“I don’t want anything.”  She pushed around pieces of her pancake in the melted ice cream.  “I’ve got my pancakes, and I’ve got you.  I don’t need anything else.”

“Okay.”  He put his hands up in defeat, laughing as she did before returning to the last of his pancakes.  

When he had finished, a soupy mess left on his plate, she took it, carrying it to the sink and turning on the water.  He snuck up behind her again, his mouth at her ear.  “I can do the dishes.”  

Her chuckle made him grin, tugging her closer to him.  She whirled around, her hands on his cheeks, pulling him as close as possible to her as their lips met for the second time that morning.  She pulled away, looking at the clock, her head falling to his shoulder.  “I have to shower and get ready.”  

He pressed a kiss to her forehead, his hands on her arms.  “Go get ready.  I’ll clean up.”  She nodded, pulling away from him.  He didn’t let her get far before grabbing her hand and whirling her back towards him, laughter escaping from her throat as her hands landed on his chest.  “Hey!  I forgot to tell you.  Happy birthday!”  

“Thanks.”  She grinned, giving him another quick peck before running off.  “I really do have to get ready though!”  Her voice called to him as she ran through her apartment.  

About an hour and a half later, they both leave.  She kisses him outside of her building as she makes her way down the street and he climbs into the car that was waiting for him.  He took it to a little jewelry shop, the same one he got all his jewelry for Alexis.  Nick, the man behind the counter, greets him like an old friend.  “What can I help you find today?  Something for that beautiful daughter of yours?”

“Not this time,” he laughed, “I need something for my girlfriend.  It’s her birthday.”

“Well, what does her like?”  

He had to think about it.  She never wore other necklaces, and he’d seen her wear a bracelet maybe twice since they began their relationship.  A ring might give the wrong impression, and he didn’t want to scare her off.  “Earrings.”  He decided.  He let Nick lead him along the cases, showing off his favorite pieces.  Castle decided on a pair of dangly earrings, a teardrop shaped orange stone on the bottom.  Small and elegant, just like she liked.  

He had to stand over the rings counter as Nick checked him out.  And he had to be staring at the perfect ring, the one he wanted to see on his finger.  A snap of Nick’s fingers brought him back to reality, the older man watching him with a twinkle in his eye.  “See something else you like?”

His mind drifted back to breakfast, to how he imagined their life together, how she told him he might be able to cook for her next year.  How he wanted to cook those special pancakes for her every year for the rest of their lives.  “I’m crazy.”  

“How so?”  Nick asked him, leaning on the glass counter.  

“We’ve been together for two months, I can’t buy her a ring.”  Except he’d been in love with her for over a year, and known her for four.  This wasn’t a phase for him, he wanted to be with her for the long haul.  “Can I?”

“When you know, you know.”

“I don’t think she’s ready though.”  He’d been worried about pushing her too far too fast, afraid to scare her away, and this might do it.  

“So buy it now, and give it to her when she’s ready.  No harm in that.”  

Castle had to laugh at the man’s effort to get a higher commission.  But the ring called to him, and he pointed to it before he knew what he was doing.  Nick chuckled, pulling it out and handing it to Castle, letting him inspect it, before putting it in a little velvet box.  Rick didn’t regret leaving that store with an extra something in his pocket.  A life with her was all he ever wanted

Kate loved her earrings, even though she said she didn’t need anything.  She wore them every time they went out together, including the disastrous dinner with their parents a few days later.  Six months after that, when he gave her the engagement ring, she loved that even more.  

Next year, he woke up before her, and made her special pancakes.  She told him they were almost as good as Johanna’s.  


	16. Stay There.  I'm Coming to Get You.

His phone rang, her laughing face illuminating his screen.  He would be happy if it wasn’t 2am, and if he wasn’t already wrapped up in his blankets, half asleep.  He turned it off, rolling back over and trying to get back to sleep.  He didn’t want to talk about his date, the “uncomplicated” Jacinda turning out to be more dull than fun and only interested in his fame, and he certainly didn’t want to hear about hers.  But when his phone rang again, he knew it was important, and he fumbled to pick it up.  “It’s late, what’s going on?”  He groaned into the phone, his free hand rubbing his eye.  

“Castle, why can’t I get over you?”  Her words were slurred and she sounded exhausted, “I mean, we never actually dated, and I was here with an amazing guy while you had your uncomplicated date, and all I could think about was how you would have been funner.”  

“Beckett, are you drunk?”  His voice held a hint of amusement as he sat forward, now far from sleep as their conversation unfolded.  

“No.”  She sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than trying to convince him.  

“Kate, you drunk dialed me.  Twice!”  

He heard her sigh on the other end.  “Okay, maybe I’m a little tipsy.”  

He let out a laugh at that point, his legs swinging over the side of his bed.  “Why are you calling me?  Is Colin as drunk as you are?”  

“Colin left.”  The hint of sadness in her voice was enough to pull him from his bed, pulling a shirt from his bureau.  

“Where are you?”  

There was hesitation before she answered.  “The cop bar near the precinct.  Why?”  

He pulled some balled up socks out of the top drawer, sitting back on the bed.  “Stay there, I’m coming to get you.”  He ignored her protests as he hung up, pulling on his socks and shoes, and heading for the door.  

He found her at a table alone, staring into an empty glass.  Her hair had been pulled back and her shoulders were slumped.  He sat across from her, taking her hand in his.  “Hey.  What happened?”

She huffed, still not looking up at him, her fingers dancing along the edge of the glass.  “I don’t know.  I thought we were having a good time.  We were telling stories about all the cases we’ve solved, trying to see who’d had the craziest ones.  Next thing I knew, he was saying goodnight!”  Her words were still slurring, but she looked up to meet his eye now.  

“What cases did you tell him about?”  

She grinned, her head resting in her free hand.  “You know, about the dirty bomb, or that time we had to kiss undercover, or when we worked with Jordan Shaw to find that guy who wanted to kill me and my apartment blew up!  Our stories are so much cooler than his, Castle.”  

He grinned, thinking back to some of his favorite cases.  “Did you tell him about the tiger?”

Her eyes grew wide as she laughed, her head shaking.  “No, I didn’t think he’d believe me!”  

He grinned, bouncing their hands on the table.  “Yeah, Alexis didn’t believe it either.”  He tugged her hand toward him as he stood.  “Do you need a ride home?”  

She waved him off, her movements fluid.  “No, I can grab a cab.”  

“Beckett, I’m here now, and you don’t have to pay me.”  He rubbed circles into her knuckles with his thumb.  “Let me make sure you get home okay.”  

She let out a breath, leaving a few dollars on the table before standing next to him.  “Okay.”  He led her out of the bar, his hand on the small of her back as she sunk into him, holding him around the waist.  

In the car she acted like him, changing the radio station halfway through each song, singing along at the top of her lungs, the alcohol in her system making it all sound off key.  It amused him a bit.  He’d heard her sing along with the radio.  Her voice was smooth and sultry, never off key.  “I like this song.”  He told her, a grin on his face.  

“Welp, better change it!”  She made exaggerated moves toward the dial, finding a new station and a new song.  

Castle nodded, laughing as she started in at the wrong verse, once again in the wrong key.  “Okay, next time I go all radio ADD on you, remind me of this moment.”  

“Will do.”  She agreed, her head falling against the headrest and her eyes closing.  “What happened to Jacinda?”  

He shrugged, turning into the parking garage next to her building.  “She went home.”  

“Are you gonna see her again?”  Her voice held a hint of jealousy, but had quieted as she realized how tired she was.  

“Probably not.”

“Why not?” She sneered.  “I thought you wanted uncomplicated.”  

“That’s what I thought too,” he answered, his honesty surprising him, “but as it turns out, she wasn’t what I was looking for.”  He only wanted one person, and she was currently drunk and sitting next to him.  Kate stayed silent through his confession, her eyes remaining closed as he parked his car.  He got out and walked around the front of the car, opening the door for her.  “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”  

She leaned on him the entire way up to her apartment, letting go only to unlock the door.  She let him lead her to her bed, sinking down into her comforter and rolling onto her side.  He wrestled with her shoes, tugging them until they came off her feet and kicking them under her bed.  She reached out for his hand, pulling him closer to her.  “Stay?”  

The pleading look in her eyes made him want to give in.  And he hated the dejected look on her face as he pulled his arm from her grasp.  “I can’t, I’m sorry.”  She brought her hand up to cover her face, hide her embarrassment.  “Would it make you feel better if I stayed until you fall asleep?”  

She nodded, and he could see her grin as her chin poked out from under her hand.  He sat near her waist, pulling out the band around her hair and running his fingers through it.  If he could stay without making things weird in the morning, he would.  But now that he knew that she’d heard him, now that she knew how he felt about her, he didn’t want to misrepresent his intentions.  She moved her hand, one eye opening to meet his.  “It was you.”  

“What was me?”  

“The reason Colin left.  I was talking about you.”  His hand stilled in her hair.  She closed her eye, snuggling deeper into her pillows.  “I heard you, you know.  I remember what you said.”  

He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, his heart breaking into pieces at her confirmation.  “I know.”  He prayed to a God he’d never believed in that she wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning.  

She sighed, sleep almost overtaking her.  “I’m almost ready to talk to you about it.”

“I’m always ready to listen.”  

“Good.”  She whispered before her breathing became deeper, her muscles loose.  He stayed there for about five minutes, his fingers still in her hair, just in case she woke.  She stirred as he stood, but settled back into bed, letting out a content sigh that had his heart breaking in two once more.  He ignored the guilty feeling in the pit of his stomach as he made his way into her bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and searching for the bottle of Aspirin.  He wasn’t snooping, he was just trying to help, but there was something incredibly intimate about searching through someone else’s medicine cabinet.  He found the bottle, and grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen.  He stayed as silent as possible as he made his way back into her bedroom, leaving the glass and bottle of pills on her nightstand.  And then he left, determined to forget everything she’d said.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I'm behind (I think?) I wrote two prompts tonight. The next one follows directly after this, and should be up in a few minutes! Thanks, and enjoy!


	17. Here, Drink This.  You'll Feel Better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Directly follows the last chapter, so if your confused, you might want to read that one...

Her head was pounding.  She could not only hear, but feel each beat of her heart in the base of her skull.  She stretched out, finding herself in the same clothes she wore last night, sleeping on top of her comforter.  Her hand found her eyes and started to rub them, helping her wake up.  She groaned as she turned toward her nightstand.  She noticed two things.  First was the bottle of Aspirin and the glass of water.  Second, she saw that she was running late.  She jumped up faster than she should have, popping the cover off the bottle and emptying two pills into her hand, downing the glass of water.  She fished her phone from her back pocket and plugged it in, it could charge the rest of the way at work.  

The hot water in the shower felt amazing against the base of her skull, and if she could, she would stay there all day.  Instead, she had paperwork to do.  She tried to remember what had happened last night.  She remembered Colin leaving, and somehow she’d made her way home.  But she had a brief recollection of calling someone, and fingers playing with her hair as she fell asleep.  

She dried her hair and pulled it back, and threw the least amount of makeup on her face that she could before running back to her bedroom to get dressed, taking a quick peek at her call log.  Castle.  She called Castle twice.  So he had been the one to bring her home, the one to put Aspirin on her nightstand, and the one who’d stayed until she fell asleep.  With his fingers in her hair?  She shook off that thought as an overactive imagination, pulling on a pair of black slacks and a grey blouse.  It wasn’t up to her usual standards, but it would have to do.  With that, she left, miraculously only five minutes later than usual for her.  

Except she couldn’t concentrate.  The boys kept telling her about the body they’d caught at four in the morning, trying to give her notes that she just wasn’t retaining.  She stared at the murder board as they spoke, hoping that the visual and audio information would somehow combine and start to make sense in her head.  She shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut as Ryan spoke.  “You two must be exhausted.”  She interrupted, looking up at her confused partners.  “Why don’t you leave me your notes, I’ll try to come up with a few theories, and I’ll check back in with you after you’ve slept?”  

Espo stretched, the yawn escaping without his permission.  “I mean, I could use a few hours of sleep.”  

“Yeah, me too,” his partner agreed, covering a yawn with his fist, “plus, Jenny hates when I don’t come home all night.”  

She grinned, holding out her hand.  “See!  You two need a break.  I promise I won’t run anything down without your express permission, this is still your case.”  

Espo was the first to cave, handing over his notebook.  Ryan caved next, pulling the file from his desk and dropping it on hers.  “If we come back and you’ve solved this, I’m not gonna be happy.”  Espo told her.  

“No worries.  I don’t think I’m solving much of anything.”  She waved as they gathered their things, a smile on her face as they left.  “Sleep well!”  As soon as the elevator closed, she laid her head down on her desk, her arms blocking out the light, and groaned.  It was gonna be a long day.  

“Detective Beckett!  How are you doing on this fine morning?”  Her partner’s voice boomed, and she winced with each word.  

“Castle!  Do you have to be so loud?”  

“Oh, sorry!’  His voice lowered to a whisper.  She felt him tap her shoulder, and when she turned her head to look at him, he was holding out a coffee cup.  “Here, drink this.  You’ll feel better.”  

She took the cup, chugging down the hot liquid like it was the only thing sustaining her life.  She put the cup down and met her partner’s eye, offering him a small smile.  “Thank you.  For the coffee and for last night.”  

“You remember last night?”  She sensed the panic in his voice, although his face remained stoic, and she wondered if maybe she hadn’t imagined his fingers in her hair.  

“Not really.”  She assured him, chuckling to herself.  “I had to check my call log to see who’d taken me home.”  

“You called twice.  I was trying to sleep so I ignored the first call.  But when you called again I got worried.”  He pushed a bag of pastries toward her.  “I’m sorry your night didn’t go as planned.”  

“I’m sorry I interrupted yours.”  

His head shook fervently as he met her eye, shoving a donut hole in his mouth.  “I wasn’t doing anything.  I was sleeping.  Alone.”  He added the last word at her raised eyebrow of disbelief, but she didn’t push him for information, even though she wanted to.  “Jacinda wasn’t as interesting as I thought she was.  We had a nice dinner, but I’m pretty sure that’s the last I’ll see of her.”  

She grabbed his hand.  “I’m sorry.”  

He shrugged his shoulders, a sad smile on his face.  “Don’t be.  I’m waiting around for someone even better.”  

She felt her heart swell and tried to tamper it, realizing that it was foolish to think that he could still feel the same almost a year later.  But she didn’t mind offering him a sliver of hope.  “She’s coming around.  Soon.”  

“I know.”  His grin warmed her heart and set her at ease.  She couldn’t admit anything to him yet, but hopefully he’d wait around for her.  

She tilted her head to the side, determined to change the subject.  “By the way, did I say anything embarrassing last night?”  

He laughed, his shoulders shaking with the force of it.  “Say anything?  No.  But I do want to go to karaoke some night when you’re hammered.”  

She shook her head, laughing along with him, the coffee taking the edge off her headache.  “Never going to happen.”  

 


	18. I'll Pick It Up After Work

It was silent.  And if he’d learned anything, with two young kids at home, silent was never a good thing.  He turned, dropping the peanut butter covered knife on the plate, and walked toward the couch.  As he got closer he could hear it, Oliver snoring on the couch, wrapped in a Tardis blanket that he’d received for his last birthday.  Castle reached out, feeling his son’s sweaty and feverish forehead.  Kate affectionately referred to him as “Darth Vader” because of the sound he made while breathing.  And today this cold had knocked him down, his whole body aching, and he’d begged to stay home from school.  Which Castle had agreed to, mostly because he felt the same, and figured they could have a sick day together.  

One child down, one to go.  The gate was still up at the base of the stairs, so she couldn’t have climbed up on her own.  So he made his way into the office, checking under the desk, before moving to the bedroom.  

He heard her chattering away to herself in the ensuite.  But the sight that met him when he entered was not what he expected.  “Pitty girl!  Pitty girl!”  His youngest spoke to herself in the mirror, Kate’s eyeshadow brush in hand as she rubbed dark powder all over her face.  That wasn’t all she had on her face.  The lipstick had been drawn in a circular pattern around her lips, hardly any of it actually making it onto their daughter’s mouth.  She had red streaks on her cheeks where she had gotten into the blush, and a few dark, thin lines across her forehead with the eyeliner pencil.  

“What are you doing in here, crazy girl?”  His voice boomed, making her jump, but when she saw his face she grinned, holding the brush up to him.  

“Makeup Daddy!”  

He laughed, squatting down next to her.  “I see that.  Can we take a picture for Mommy, please?”

She took a moment to consider this, running the brush along the ground.  “Kay.”  

He fished his phone out of his back pocket, opening the camera with a swipe of his finger.  “What do you say?”  

She beamed, squeezing her eyes closed.  “Chee!”  He snapped the picture of their mischievous child and slipped the phone back into his pocket.  

“Alright Elizabeth, can you help Daddy put Mommy’s makeup away?”  He picked up the lipstick, which was crushed and damaged beyond repair, and placed it up on the sink.  The baby helped, throwing the brushes back in the bag while he closed powders and eyeshadows, checking everything for damage.  She helped him zip the bag, standing to help him put it back up on the sink, and he pushed it back a little more so it was just out of her reach.  He pulled a washcloth out of the tub and wet it, once again squatting down next to the eighteen month old.  “I have to wash your face please.”  

She squirmed backwards, her back hitting the glass doors of the shower.  “No.”  

“Yes please.”  He repeated, moving toward her.  She fought him the whole time, screaming like she was being tortured, her face turning red with her tears.  It wasn’t all easy to get off, the eyeliner smudging, the lipstick caking on the washcloth and turning it red, but when he’d gotten enough off her face to be satisfied, he let her go.  She couldn’t wait to get away, wailing as she ran out the door and into the office.  He made sure to shut the door behind him as he followed her.  

She had climbed up onto the couch, rousing her brother as she snuggled close to him, the six year old confused and disoriented from his nap.  “What did you do?”  He asked, his tone accusing as he hugged his sister closer.  

“You know, I’m just the worst.  I had to clean Mom’s makeup off her face, and now she’s mad.”  

Oliver laughed, pushing Elizabeth off him and pulling his knees up to his chest.  “You got into Mom’s makeup, Beth?  You’re in trouble!”  

Castle shook his head, returning to the sandwich he’d abandoned.  “She’s not in that much trouble, buddy.  I got a really funny picture to send to Mom though!”  He cut the sandwich into triangles, and placed a bowl of chicken noodle soup in the microwave.  “In fact, it kind of matches the one I took of you when you were her age!”  

“Dad!”  The boy yelled back, “I never played with makeup!”  

“You sure did.”  He walked back into the living room, placing Elizabeth’s sandwich on the coffee table before making his way to one of the bookcases.  He pulled down a photo album and flipped through the pages until he found the picture, their son covered in lipstick and dark eyeshadow.  He didn’t get the opportunity to play with the eyeliner before he was caught.  He was grinning in the picture, like Elizabeth in hers, except his hazel eyes stayed wide open and danced with laughter.  He brought the book over to the couch, dropping it in his son’s lap.  “See?  You used to watch Mom get ready every morning.  You liked how she would tickle you with the brush.”  

He giggled, showing the pictures to Elizabeth.  The girl started flipping through the pages, naming off the people she recognized.  Castle remembered that day, Kate showing him the picture later, when he was home and she could gauge his reaction.  Why she worried that he would be upset, he never knew, but it led to their first big discussion about how they wanted to raise their kids.  How they wanted to encourage them to be themselves, whoever that was.  

As Castle brought the bowl over to their son, taking the album away so nothing would ruin the pictures, Oliver spoke again, his voice raspy.  “But makeup is for girls.  Why did I want to play with it?”  

“Makeup isn’t just for girls.”  Castle sat in the chair next to them, meeting his son’s eye as he explained.  “A lot of the actors Grams work with use makeup, and the people on TV use makeup.  I’ve worn makeup whenever I go on the news to talk about my books.  And sometimes boys just like to wear it.  Makeup is for everyone.”  

The boy didn’t look convinced.  “So if I wanted to wear makeup…”

“Your mother and I would get you some.  But not until you were in high school.  Same rules for you as the girls.”  Except he never needed to enforce it with Alexis.  She wasn’t interested in makeup until she started gaining interest in boys.  

“What if I wanted it earlier?”  

Castle shrugged, pulling his phone out of his pocket.  “Too bad.  You don’t need it until high school.”  Oliver dropped the conversation, watching Scout with his sister and sipping on his bowl of soup.  So Castle sent the picture to Kate.  

She called him moments after she opened it, her laughter ringing in his ear and warming his heart.  “Looks like you’ve had an eventful day.”

“We have!”  He chuckled, meeting her enthusiasm.  “One of us has napped, and no, that’s not me or the youngest, Oliver has been binging Doctor Who again, and we just had a very interesting discussion about how boys can like makeup too.”  

“He didn’t believe you when you told him he’d done the same thing?”

“Nope, I had to pull out the picture.”  

“Now we can put Beth’s next to his in the book.”  Her laughter kept him smiling, her voice making him forget how gross he felt.  

“Next time we can put all three pictures on their own page.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.”  Her voice turned serious and his smile dropped.  

“You’re right.  Sorry.”  They didn’t know anything yet, just that she was late.  And for some reason, she didn’t seem as excited about the prospect as she did in the past.  “Um, I hate to tell you this,” he started, changing the subject, “but I think your lipstick is damaged beyond repair.”

“That’s okay, I’ll pick some up later.”  

He tried not to push, but it was killing him not knowing.  “And maybe while you’re out you can get a test?”

He could practically see her eyes rolling through the phone as she sighed.  “Yes, I was planning on that.  I’ll pick it up after work, along with some lipstick.”  

“And, around when do you think you’ll be home?”

Her laugh was glorious, her good mood returning with one sentence from him.  “Really Castle?  You’re such a baby sometimes.”  

“I’m sick!”  He complained, exaggerating his whining to make the kids giggle.  “And so is Oliver, and we’re exhausted.”  

She chuckled when she heard their kids, and he could hear her laptop close.  “I’m planning on calling it early today.  The boys know you’re sick, I’ll pass the reins to Espo for a little while.  So two more hours.”  

He grinned.  “Sounds great.  See you soon.”

It took a little bit longer, until Elizabeth was starting to nod off on his chest, but when that door opened announcing his wife’s arrival, the loft became a flurry of activity.  Oliver sat up, the biggest grin on the boy’s face that he’d seen all day, and Elizabeth wiggled off of his chest, running to the door.  “Mommy home!”  

Kate lowered herself so the girl’s arms would wrap around her neck, and pressed kisses into their daughter’s cheek.  “I saw you made yourself pretty today!”  

“Uh-huh!”  Kate lifted her, depositing her bags on the counter as she made her way to the living room.  

She leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Oliver’s head, ruffling his brown hair as she moved away from him.  Her eyes brightened when she met Castle’s gaze, leaning down to greet him.  “Hey babe.”  She whispered, pressing her lips to his quickly, aware of present company.  

He pushed her away after a moment, watching as she laughed and sat on the couch next to Oliver.  “Don’t kiss me, you’ll get sick!”  She was always the last of them to fall, and she fell harder than the rest of them.  

She pointed to the toddler who was curled up into a ball on her mother’s chest.  “Do you think I have a choice?”  She ran her hand up and down the girl’s back, and pressed a kiss to her head.  “You’re starting to sound like Darth Vader a bit too, huh snugglebug?”

“What’s she gonna do if she can’t snuggle up to her Mama?”  Castle asked her, his eyebrows raising and a smile stretching across her face.  

Kate shrugged, her face hiding behind their daughter’s head.  “Don’t get ahead of yourself.”  

His heart fell as he watched her, her eyes sad as he discussed their potential new addition.  “Do you want to tell me why you seem upset?”

Her eyes danced over to Oliver, who was engrossed by the TV.  Just to be sure, she called out, “hey Ol?”  When he didn’t respond, she turned back to him, her hand never stilling on the baby’s back.  She took a moment to choose her words carefully.  “I’m not really upset, just worried.”  Her eyes searched the air around her as she decided what to say.  “I mean, with the first one, we had talked about starting to try, and suddenly it happened.  And it was risky, with my age and everything, so I was scared then.  And after, when we decided we wanted one more, we tried for so much longer.”  He noticed her grip tighten around their youngest, and how her head rested on the toddler’s head.  “And it was even riskier and I was just as scared.  But this one we didn’t plan for, Castle.  And I worry about its quality of life, about it being bullied, about having to fight for any sort of recognition in this world, because I know I would love it, and I know this whole family would love it, but is it enough?”

Castle let her words sink in, imagining them with an extra child, one who needs a little bit more help.  “It sounds like I’m not the only one getting ahead of myself.”

“I know.”  She sighed, and used her other hand to play with Beth’s fingers.  “And the risks for me go way up too, of complications.  The last thing I want to do is leave them without me.”  She pressed another kiss to Elizabeth’s head, who was now asleep, her eyes shut and her mouth open so she could breathe.  Kate looked up again, happiness dancing in her eyes.  “But then I keep imagining another child with you.  One who dances with us, one who laughs, one with your eyes and my smile, and it doesn’t matter because we’re happy.  And for a brief moment I get excited until my brain starts tossing statistics at me again.”  

“Yeah, that’s tough.”  They’d fought those problems when Elizabeth was born, the doctor telling them how risky everything was, urging them to have an amnio just to be sure and looking at them funny when they’d refused.  But the knowledge had always been there in the back of their minds, the statistics that told them something could go wrong.  “But we would love it no matter what.  And we would do anything in our power to help them succeed.  Same as before when we were trying, nothing changes.  We just weren’t trying.”  

“I know.  I’m trying to keep telling myself that.”

“Well I’ll help you every once in a while if you need it.”  Her smile was confirmation enough, and her eyes moved to the television screen, Miss Frizzle taking the kids on another crazy adventure.  She moved with the toddler, getting up and opening the gate with her free hand, carrying the sleeping girl up the stairs.  

When she returned, her eyes were wide, and she waved him over to the kitchen where they could talk more freely.  “Do you remember how awkward it was at Elizabeth’s shower?”  At his puzzled expression, she continued.  “You know, the one Alexis planned for us right after she’d had her own baby?”

His eyes grew wide.  “And now she’s pregnant with her second, and you’re maybe pregnant again.”  

“Your child and your grandchild will be the same age, Castle.”  

It was supposed to be weird.  Normal people had children first and then grandchildren, not both at the same time.  But they had never been normal.  “So our family is a little unorthodox.  I like it that way.”  

She leaned into him then, wrapping her arms around him and laying her head on his shoulder.  “You don’t think it’s weird that your daughter and I will be pregnant at the same time?”

He pressed a kiss to her head, feeling her relax against him.  “Not one bit.  And she’ll be just as excited as she was for these two, I promise.”  

“Okay.”  She sighed against him before pushing away, reaching for a glass in the dish drainer and filling it with water.  “Before you ask, I’m taking it in the morning.  That’s the best time to do it.”  

He reached for her as she drank, pulling her close to him again.  “Whatever you want to do is good with me.”  

The rest of their night passed without incident.  But all through dinner he kept imagining another seat next to Beth’s, a little baby with her eyes and her smile (because he’d always loved her eyes), laughing at the antics of their older brother.  And he knew she was too, from the far off look in her eyes, a smile playing on her face now that she’d voiced her concerns and they weren’t all in her head.

The next morning she woke him with a kiss after dropping the toddler onto his chest.  “Get up, Daddy!  Someone wants to play.”  Elizabeth burrowed her head into his neck, giggling the whole time, as Kate pulled on his arm.  “Come on, get up.  I made coffee.  Decaf.”  

As she left the room he sat up, his eyes wide.  “Does that mean?”

Her voice rang out from the office.  “Yep!”

He was delighted, a few years later, when they could create that makeup page.  One was a picture of little Oliver, makeup covering his face.  Then there was Elizabeth’s scrunched up face.  And last was a picture of both their girls, conspiring together, an older Elizabeth with her still scrunched smile, and their wide-eyed Charlotte who looked surprised by the camera.  She’d come on her own terms, barely making it to the hospital before arriving in their life.  And even though they never thought anything was missing, that girl made their family complete.  And he wouldn’t have it any other way.  

 


	19. You're Warm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it’s important to mention that in this version of events, Josh got on that plane to Haiti, because it seemed weird to me that he didn’t. I don’t hate Josh. I think that he and Kate cared for each other a lot. But I think that both of them were too married to their jobs to have effective relationships with one another. 
> 
> Set after Countdown.

The knock on his door made him twist in surprise.  He’d just managed to get his family out the door, reassuring them that he’d be fine.  And then he’d set up camp in front of the fireplace, three blankets wrapped around him.  He struggled to get up, the three blankets hindering his movements and making him clumsy.  Whoever was at the door knocked again, this time a little louder.  “One sec!”  He called, trying to move faster, his legs getting tangled in the blankets and almost tripping him.  He didn’t bother to look through the peephole before he opened the door.  When he saw Beckett standing there, dressed in her warmest clothing and shivering, he ushered her in.  “What’s going on?  Are we back on the task force?”

“No.  I just,” she stopped, her arms wrapping around the upper part of her body, “I just didn’t want to be alone.”

He took the top blanket off his shoulders and draped it around her shoulders, pulling her toward the living room.  “So we weren’t cleared.”

She shook her head, the loose tendrils tickling her shoulders.  “Not yet.  We can go in to see the doctor at noon.”  She shivered as she held her hands out to the fireplace.  “Until then, I’m freezing, and I didn’t want to be alone.”  

He pulled her into the living room, the fireplace roaring, and sat her on the seat he’d made for himself out of couch cushions and pillows. “Stay here, warm up.”  He gave her the rest of his blankets, shivering in the open air as he made his way to the kitchen.  He scooped some hot chocolate out of the still warm pot in the counter and poured it into the biggest mug he could find.  On his way back to her, he found her trying to stand, struggling with the added weight of the blankets he’d given her.  “What are you doing?”

“Moving to the couch.”  She indicated it with her head.  “I figured this was your fort here, I didn't want to take it.”

“Are you kidding?  The warmest seat in the house is right there, Kate, sit!”  She didn't argue, sinking back down into the cushions and accepting the mug of hot chocolate.  “I'll be right back.”  He promised before sprinting into his bedroom.  All the pillows made their way to the middle of his comforter, and he gathered the edges together and slung it over his shoulder like Santa Claus’ sack.  He caught a glimpse of Kate’s amused expression before he turned, grabbing one of the cushions off of the chairs.  He plopped it all down in a pile next to her, grabbing the other cushion before arranging everything.  It wasn't long before he’d built a fort for him as well, settling down next to her with the comforter wrapped around his shoulders.  His grin was proud.  “I'm a pro at these!”

She chuckled at that, the sound making him stop shivering, his smile tugging at the corners of his lips.  “Why does that not surprise me, Castle?”

“I made them with Alexis all the time!”  His tone was defensive, and he tugged the blanket closer around him.  “This is what we used to do when she had snow days.”  

Kate’s eyebrows raised as she giggle, her eyes rolling.  “You know, you’re lucky you have a kid to blame for your childish ways.”  

“Had,” he corrected, his face falling, “she’s too old for all this stuff now.”  

“I’m sorry.”  Her face was genuine as she spoke, reaching the hand that wasn’t wrapped around her mug out to him, the blankets falling from her shoulders.  

He took her hand, meeting her gaze, offering her a small smile in return.  But as he noticed her chin start to wiggle and her shoulders start to shake, he let go.  “Kate, get your blankets, you’re freezing.”  She obliged, letting his hand go to pull her blankets around her shoulders again.  When her shaking didn’t slow, he tossed one side of his comforter out, pulling her close like they had been in the freezer, and wrapping the blanket around her.  “It’s big enough to fit around both of us.”  He explained to her dazed eyes.  

She didn’t argue, burrowing closer to him, her head resting on his shoulder.  “You’re warm.”  She whispered out, her eyes closing as she curled herself into him.  

He continued to hold her until her trembling slowed, her breath evening out.  He listened as she began to snore, the sound light, bringing another smile to his face.  And he stayed as still as possible with her on his chest, afraid to wake her.  He only moved to set an alarm on his phone for eleven, so they could get back to work.  The phone made its way to the coffee table behind them, and his hand found her shoulder again, a silent reminder to her sleeping form that he was still there.  Even in her sleep she burrowed closer, a hint of a smile on her lips.  

 


	20. I Want You to be Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castle Flash-Fiction Challenge: Mission to Mars acceptance letter... for one. Thanks for the prompt, Dia!

Dear Katherine Beckett-Castle,

We regret to inform you that your petition to add to your party for the Mars Mission has been denied.  Unfortunately, all other seats are full.  Perhaps your family could join you on the 2025 expedition.  As always, you do reserve the right to withdraw at any time.  We hope to see you on the mission.  

She didn't read any further.  Her request to bring her husband with her had been denied.  Not that she really wanted to go.  She'd sent in the application on a whim, as something she never thought she’d be selected for.  And when she'd been selected and not her husband, she petitioned to expand her party immediately.  

Now she placed the envelope on the counter, making her way into his office.  He was sulking, his face sour as he tapped away at the keys.  She sat in the chair in front of his desk, waiting for the right time to talk.  

“I saw.”  He started, not looking up from the screen, his fingers stilling.  

“I know.”  She chuckled.  “You opened my mail.”  

He looked up then, his blue eyes meeting hers and widening as he defended himself.  “We're married now, I figured it was okay!  And it was from the Mars expedition, and I just had to know if you made it.”  

“I did, and I'm sorry.”

He shook his head.  “Don't be.  I want you to be happy, and if Mars makes you happy, then I'm happy.”

“I won't be happy though!”  She leaned forward, opening herself up to him.  “I'll be without you for five years, or more if you don't get into the 2025 expedition.”

He chuckled, closing his computer.  “Kate, it's Mars.  I think you’ll like it.”  

She shrugged.  “Well, that's too bad because I've declined my space.”

“You have?”  

She nodded, despite the fact that she hadn't yet, even though she intended to.  “Yep.  If I can't go with my husband, I can't go at all.”  She smirked at him.  “Besides, they only have resources for one person, and I need a little bit more than that.”

His eyebrows furrowed together, his blue eyes searching her face for clues.  “Why would you need more, unless…”  He trailed off as he mulled it over, his grin growing as he realized what she was telling him.  “Kate, do you need resources for two?”

Her grin was all the answer he needed.  He made his way over to her, his hand falling to her abdomen, his lips pressed against her belly button as he talked to the being inside her.  Yeah, Mars might be fun.  But this, well this was all she needed.

 


	21. I'm Driving You to the Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after Kill Shot

She needed air.  She’d wanted to preserve life, not cost another one, and watching the sniper who’d terrified the city die in front of her was not something she’d been prepared for.  So she ran, no destination in mind, the fresh air reinvigorating her lungs, her mind trying to focus on anything and everything other than the falling man, the life draining from his eyes.  She found herself in an empty clearing, the placement of the trees familiar and safe to her, and she stopped, hands on her knees, sucking in deep breaths of air.  Then she sat in the grass, lowering herself lower to the ground.  She turned so she was on her back, looking up at the clouds, her hands behind her head.  And she let all the frustration, fear, and anger from the last few days spill from her eyes in hot, salty tears.  

When her brief period of catharsis was over, the tears stopping and a wave of calmness settling over her, she felt his presence.  He wasn't close enough to cast a shadow over her, not even close enough to see her puffy eyes.  He was maybe in the tree line, deciding whether or not to approach.  She brought her hand up to wipe away the evidence of her breakdown before calling out to him.  “So were you planning on approaching me at any time, or were you just gonna watch me like a creep?”  

His chuckle made her grin, just another thing in this clearing that made her feel safe somehow.  He plopped himself down next to her, copying her position.  “See anything?”

She turned her head toward him, surprised to see his eyes fixed on the sky instead of her.  Her eyes followed his, her mind conjuring images in the clouds.  “I saw one that kind of looked like a rubber duck.”  

He snorted, making laughter bubble in her own chest.  “I don’t know why, but I expected you to say ‘clouds.’”

“Do you really think I’m that serious all the time?”  She asked him, sitting up to watch his face as he reacted.  

“Not all the time!”  He met her gaze, his eyes more blue in the light of the sun.  “I just know that these last few days have been difficult, and I don’t know how long it will take you to start goofing around again.”  

“Yeah, me neither.”  She looked away from him and instead glanced around the clearing, trying to pinpoint why she felt so safe here out in the open.  “I haven’t looked at clouds like that since I used to come here with my Mom and Sofia.”  She could feel the click inside of her when she realized why she felt so at peace here.  “We used to play in a clearing a lot like this one.  I would climb trees whenever we played hide and seek, and we played tag, sometimes dragging my Mom or hers into the game.”

“Did you do it often?”

She grinned, her feelings of unease long gone with him by her side.  “Every Sunday without fail.”  

He sat up as well, his eyes locked on her.  “I used to play tag with Alexis.”  He smiled.  “Actually, she tagged me.  I never caught her.”  

She laughed, her arms hugging her knees close to her body.  “Seriously Castle?  She was a kid and you’re an adult.  You should be able to catch her.”  

“Okay, just because you can run fast doesn't mean we all can.  I mean, just look how long it took me to catch up to you today.”  

“Shut up.”  She laughed, her head tilting back up to the sky.  

“Don't believe me?”  His challenging tone made her turn her head, a second too late, as her partner tapped her shoulder, shouting out, “You’re it!” and jumping up, making a beeline for the trees.  She watched him, eyebrows raised, her arms tightening more around her knees.  When he looked back and found her in the same position, his shoulders slumped, his face falling.  “Come on, Kate!  What do you have to lose?”

She found herself chewing on her bottom lip as she considered it, watching her partner stand near the tree line, his eyebrows wiggling.  And before she realized she was making a decision, she was standing, chasing him to the edge of the clearing.  

She caught him quickly and retreated, letting herself laugh for the first time in days, her inner child relishing in the joy.  Castle wasn’t lying, he was slow.  But he was good at deception, making her believe he was going one way when he was going another, and he surprised her as she came around one of the tree trunks, his hand grazing her stomach.  “Ha!”  he screamed in her face, her resulting laughter making her stomach hurt as she changed directions and prepped to take him down.  

She caught him near a bench, her hand reaching the back of his head.  “Gotcha!”  But as she twisted from him, she caught her left foot on the leg of the bench and tumbled over, the sickening sound of her bones cracking filling her ears and making her laughter stop, a horrified expression on her partner’s face.    “Ow!  Fuck!”  Her eyes filled with tears for the second time in an hour, this time for a different reason entirely as she dragged her mangled foot up to her.  Castle had landed next to her, his hand in the small of her back, asking her a slew of questions that she didn’t know the answers to.  All she could focus on was the throbbing of her foot, and how they were stuck in the middle of central park.  

Well, that was all she could focus on, until she realized she had been lifted, Castle carrying her bridal-style through the trees, heading back to the building she’d run from.  She looked up at him once she’d oriented herself.  “The boys are gonna give me so much shit if I broke it.”  His smile and chuckle calmed her fretting mind even more.  So she wrapped her arms around his neck, steadying herself against him.  

He found her car, his breathing still steady despite their hike and the extra weight he was carrying.  She unwrapped her arms from his neck as they stood by the passenger door, bracing herself to hit the ground.  But she didn’t.  “Where are the keys?”  He asked her, his voice calm.  

“Why do you need my keys?”  

“Because you’ve got a broken foot.  I’m driving you to the hospital.”  

She shook her head, struggling to get down, and annoyed that he could still hold onto her.  “Castle, you can’t.  It’s an NYPD issue vehicle, and you aren’t officially NYPD.”  

“Screw officially.  You’re injured because I egged you on.  You can’t drive with a broken foot.  What are your other options.”  

Before the words were out of his mouth she hated them.  He was right, she couldn’t get out of this on her own without calling an ambulance, which was way too expensive for her, and she didn’t have many other options.  Or at least none of them made sense when he was right there, ready and willing to drive her anywhere she needed to go.  So she fished them out of her pocket, the angle he was holding her at making the movements weird.  When she had them in hand, he put her down on her good foot, opened the door, and helped her hop in.  

He pushed her in a wheelchair up to the desk at the ER, took her paperwork from her hand, and began filing or what he could before handing it over to her.  He'd done well, considering she’d never told him any of this information, but as she glanced over it, she guessed she knew all the same things about him.  She tried not to think much of it, she figured Ryan and Espo probably knew the same stuff about each other.  A byproduct of being partnered together for so long.  

It took a while before she was seen.  Almost two hours.  But after a brief examination and a few x-rays, it was clear that she had broken her ankle.  It wasn’t broken to the point of surgery, yet, but she needed to stay off of it for a few weeks.  

Castle kept apologizing, which drove her nuts.  He thought he’d egged her on, but if she was being truthful, she wanted to join him.  But he turned out to be the perfect person to have on her side, driving her back to her apartment and helping her hobble inside.  He waited in her hand and foot.  He hovered over her until she could prove that she was able to get around without her foot touching the ground, and she was able to kick him out.  

He was at her door the next morning, 8am sharp, her coffee and bearclaw in hand.  She hobbled to one side so he could enter, using the foot of her crutch to close the door behind him.  “What are you doing here?”  

“I’m driving you to work.”

“Don't go out of your way for me.”  She took a swig of her coffee, leaning against the counter.  “I can take a cab.”

“And spend all that money?”  He shook his head, knocking back his own coffee before continuing.  “No.  Use my answering service.”  

Her eyes widened at the thought, her head shaking as she spoke.  “I couldn't.  Someone pays for that you know.”  

“Black Pawn provides it to me, free of charge.  I've extended the service to you for the next two months.”  

She sighed, brushing flyaway a out of her face.  “Why are you going to this much trouble?”

His face fell, the guilt he felt clear in his baby blue eyes.  “I wanted you to play with me. I made you chase me.  If I hadn't, you would be fine.”

She let out some air, and offered him a small smile.  “You didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do.  Just because you suggested the game, doesn't mean that my broken ankle is your fault.”

He shrugged, smirking at her from the doorway.  “Well it's too late to take back now.  Your rides for the next two months are free, Detective.”  

She could argue with him, except his intentions were pure.  She could refuse the rides, but someone somewhere was paying for them.  So she accepted, biting her lip as she considered her options, nodding her gratitude at him as she took another sip of her coffee.  He helped her get her things ready for work, and helped her into the car.  And he entertained her at her desk, the most action she’d see at the precinct in the next few months.  

They developed a pattern over the passing weeks.  He showed up at her door each morning, coffee in hand as usual, helping her put on her jacket and staying with her as she hobbled about.  He’d help her with her paperwork, suggesting words to “jazz up” her reports (he was a writer, after all).  And he’d help her to her door each night, telling her to sleep well, and promising to be on time in the mornings.  

She wasn't surprised at his confusion the day that she slammed the door in his face.  He stayed calm, knocking once again.  “I don't know what I did, but we're running late, so can we talk about it in the car?”

She swung the door open, glaring at him as she held out a sheet of paper.  “Care to explain why all my expenses have been taken care of?”  Her anger swirled inside her and seeped out through her voice.  

“I overstepped.”  His shoulders came up as he watched her react, bracing himself for the fight to come.  

“You did.”  She paused as he winced, realizing that she may be overreacting a bit due to her limited activity.  “Listen, I appreciate that you felt bad, and I appreciate the gesture.  But I'm a grown up, Castle.  One who has the ability to choose to play tag with her partner on the worst day she'd had in months.  One who tripped on her own despite all the training she'd had.  And one who is capable of paying her medical bill.”  She put the invoice down on her counter.  “Which is why I intend to pay you back in full.”  

“You don't have to do that.”

She nodded, chuckling to herself as she carefully put on her jacket, using his arm to hold herself in place.  “I do.”  Her hands stayed on his shoulders as she met his gaze.  “And I'll start by taking you out to dinner.  Somewhere nice, so dress accordingly.”  She grabbed her crutches and exited around him, leaving him slack jawed in her kitchen.  “You coming, Castle?”


	22. Good Luck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set in my Toothbrush universe. I have a greater plan for it someday, but for now, these little one-shots will do.

She'd come to hate book tours, trips that took her husband far away for strange periods of time.  But when he’d told her about this one, she took it as a blessing in disguise.  Her husband was wonderful, caring, and always knew what she needed.  But he was also a distraction, and she needed to study for her bar exam.  Not that she hadn’t been studying, but now it was crunch time, and she’d never been more relieved to have their loft to herself.  

He still called each night, and they talked for at least an hour.  But there was something different about him calling, and him being present.  When he was present, he always thought she was working too hard, and he knew all the buttons to press to drag her away from her studies.  And with him home all the time working on a novel, they were always together.  

Lanie had teased her during one of her lunch breaks.  They weren’t good breaks.  Kate used the opportunity to explain different case laws in full detail to her friend, who wasn’t the least bit interested.  “Have you tried a library?  Rick can’t bother you there.”  

Kate huffed, shoveling a forkful of pasta into her mouth before answering.  “I hate libraries.”  At her friend’s raised eyebrows, she laughed, her eyes rolling.  “I mean, I hate studying in libraries, I don’t hate them all together.”

“Come on, Kate, what do you have against them?  I mean, it’s quiet, open all the time, and you don’t need to associate your home or room with stress and cramming.”  

She wrinkled her nose at the thought.  “I mean, it’s almost too quiet.  Someone coughs and everyone looks.  And I swear, I can hear the clock ticking.  After an hour I feel like I’ve been in there for days, and I just can’t focus.”  She ate another forkful of food, washing it down with water before continuing.  “And I associate my home with comfort.  There I hear the clock ticking and it doesn’t feel like time is moving slower.  I hear my husband cough in the other room, and I feel safe, and happy.  I don’t want to study anywhere else.”  

“Even though he bugs you?”

Kate laughed, her friend’s all-knowing smirk lightening her mood.  “Yes, even though he bugs me.”  She flicked her eyes from her friend’s face to her friend’s food.  “Now hurry up and eat so I can tell you more about this case.”  

The day before the exam, she did nothing.  She gave her brain a rest and rented movies to watch by herself.  Her parents had taken her study materials, Johanna kissing her head softly and declaring that it was for her own good.  “You already know everything you need to know.  Let yourself relax.”  Kate had fought it, of course, but they knew best, both of them having been in her position before.  So she’d handed over everything, looking at a few more pages before they took it away, ignoring the amused glances they shot each other.  

It was just starting to get dark when the phone rang.  She paused the movie, a grin stretching across her face as she answered.  “Hey, lover.  How’s Portland?”

“Boring.”  It was the same answer he gave her every time.  “It would be better with you here.”  

“Maybe not, the way I’ve been studying lately.  I’m kind of boring, you know.”  

“Please don’t tell me I’m interrupting a cram session right now.  I can call again later if you’d like!”  

She laughed at the panic in his voice, pulling her knees up to her chest as she replied.  “I wish!  Mom and Dad stopped by today and took all my books and cases.”  

“Really?”  At her affirmative grunt, she heard him scoff, her grin growing wider.  “Those bastards!”

She lost it then, releasing weeks’ worth of pent up frustration.  She wasn’t even angry with him for calling her parents that (and how could she be when she’d thought the same thing at the time?).  “They’re worried I’ll burn myself out.  They did it out of love.”

“I couldn’t do that.  You would have banished me.”

She lowered her voice, butterflies forming in the pit of her stomach.  “You would have found a way to keep me in bed all day long.”  

“Why Kate, I don’t know what you are talking about.”  She could see him smirking in her head, the tone clear even though a continent separated them.  

“Yeah, okay, play innocent.  But we both know what would have happened.”  At his non-committal grunt, she knew she wouldn’t get any further, and decided to change the subject.  “So, did you do a book signing, or no?”  

He went on, telling her all about his day, and the crazy fan who somehow managed to find his hotel room.  He called security, made sure he was listed under a different alias, and sent his info off to his lawyers.  “I think he wanted me to read his fanfic or something?  It was strange.”

“And he was in the room?”

She heard him chuckle.  “Oh yeah, just chilling on the bed.”

She shivered, and thanked her lucky stars that is wasn’t a deranged fan, just a desperate one.  “Because that’s not creepy at all.”  

“Nope!”  They laughed together, the conversation winding down.  “So, I have to go schmooze people at a big fancy dinner, and you have to rest up.”

“Yeah.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk tomorrow.  My brain might be mush, and I’ll probably be exhausted.”  

“Okay.  Well, I’ll talk to you after day two.”

She smiled, the anticipation brewing even as she realized she’d probably still be drained after day two of testing.  “Sounds like a plan.”  

“Good luck, even though you don’t need it.  You know this material better than you think.”

She felt a wave of calmness settle over her at his words.  “Thanks, babe.  I’ll see you soon.”  They said their goodbyes and hung up, Kate reflecting on their conversation before unpausing her movie, allowing herself to be transported.  

She wasn’t exactly mush after the first day of testing.  She was drained, and did return home and fall right into bed.  The next day she felt was a bit easier.  But she left exhausted again, feeling unsure of her results.  She was either a genius or an idiot, and dwelling on it wasn’t helping her.  

When she returned to the loft, she was met with a banner, ‘Congratulations Kate!’ written across it in big green letters.  There were balloons everywhere, much to her amusement, and her husband standing in the entryway, a glass of champagne in his hand, back early from his trip.  “How’d you do?”  He asked, leaning forward to meet her as her lips crashed into his.  

She pulled away, accepting the glass of champagne and grinning as she toed off her shoes.  “I honestly don’t know.  I’ll find out in a few months.”  

“Months?”  His eyes widened in disbelief, his arm snaking around her back a he led her to the living room.  “All that work and you won’t find anything out for months?”  

She shrugged, sinking down onto the couch, snuggling close to him as he did the same.  “Nope.  But right now I don’t care.  Right now I want to sleep and forget all about the laws.”  

She felt his lips brush the top of her head, one hand taking her glass, and the other wrapping around her shoulders and tugging her closer.  “So sleep.”  He turned on the television, the volume low as he hit play on the DVD she still had in the player.  She tried to listen, to hold on to her consciousness as long as possible while she was wrapped in his arms.  But she didn’t last long before sleep overtook her, dreaming of opening the letter and celebrating her passing score with her husband.  


	23. You Can Have Half

“Owen!”  Alexis cooed, watching her son bounce in front of the screen door.  “Whatcha doing, little man?  Who’s here?”  

He bounced some more, his hands meeting in front of him in a clumsy clap as he looked out the door.  “Aw-ver!”

Alexis joined him, kneeling next to him, her hands on his shoulders.  “Oliver is here! And who else?”  

“Gaga.”  He answered, leaning his body back into hers.  

“Yep, Grandpa is here.”  She waved through the window at her stepmother and younger brother, the three year old determined to make it up the stairs by himself, Kate with her hands right behind him.  Their steps were steeper than he was used to, and he almost always fell when they came to visit.  “Did Nona come too?”  

“Uh-huh!”  He bounced against her, his diapered bottom brushing against her leg.  When Oliver reached for the handle, Kate helping him press the button on the screen door, Owen squealed, padding forward to see his uncle.  Oliver hugged him, his arms wrapped around the baby's shoulders, eliciting chuckles from the adults who were looking on.

Alexis straightened herself out, her arms wrapping around her step-mother’s neck, her smile warm and inviting.  Kate pressed a kiss to her cheek, a gesture that years ago would have been strange for them but now was normal, and Alexis moved aside to let them in.  Her Dad was behind them all, a crock pot in his hands.  She pressed a kiss to his cheek, taking the pot from him so he could deal with his jacket.  “So Emmet’s family is here, and there is another kid for Oliver to play with if he’d like.”  

She stopped talking when he pulled her closer, wrapping her in a bear hug and making her grin.  “Happy Thanksgiving.”  

She wiggled away, the crock pot hugged close to her body as she grinned up at him.  “Happy Thanksgiving.  How was the drive?”

Her dad shrugged, following her into the kitchen.  “As good as it could have been.”

“Oliver still hates the car?”

“You think it’d get better, but he still gets fussy.”  She watched Kate peel off her brother’s jacket, patting him on the bottom as she freed him to play.  “You used to love car rides.  They put you right to sleep.”  

“Same for Owen.”  She grinned as she thought about her son, who was currently chasing Oliver around.  She plopped the crock pot on the table and glanced around the room.  She pointed at her soon-to-be sister-in-law, getting her father’s attention.  “Dad, this is Emmet’s sister, Colleen.  The adorable little girl chasing Oliver, Alina, belongs to her.”  She paused, allowing them to shake hands, her father’s grin warm.  “And this is Connor, their older brother.”  

Kate stepped into the kitchen, her hand held out to Connor.  “I’m Kate, the evil stepmother.”  Connor’s face turned stony, his eyes confused, and Alexis chuckled at the sight.  She’d started calling Kate that after the weird separation a few years back, after Kate kept apologizing even when urged to stop.  Somehow, comparing her to the worst of the worst helped her to see that what she’d done, although frustrating and confusing, wasn’t all that bad.  Kate moved over to Colleen, her smile more nervous than anything.  “Thanks for bringing another little one for Oliver to play with.  He enjoys Owen, but a playmate his own age is always interesting.”  

Colleen’s eyes darted between Kate and her husband, her eyebrows knotting together.  “I’m a little confused, Oliver is just yours?  Or both of yours?”  Alexis watched as her parents’ eyes met, knowing grins on their faces as her dad indicated both of them.  Colleen looked from Oliver to Alexis, her eyes wide.  “Oops.”  

Kate shrugged, leaning into her husband’s side as she spoke.  “Nope.  He was planned.  Sort of.”

“We wanted to start a family together,” her Dad continued, his hand resting on Kate’s hip, “and about three days after we decided to start trying, he made himself known.  So yeah, he was planned.”  

Alexis watched as her fiancé approached, leaving the older kids in the living room to play while carrying their son with him, desperate for some adult conversation.  “I think that surprise babies are the best babies.”  He blew a raspberry into Owen’s cheek as he said it, his grin and their son’s giggles illuminating the room and warming her heart.  

“That’s because you and Castle got the best ones.”  Kate embraced Emmet quickly, pressing a kiss to his cheek before removing the baby from his arms, dancing in small circles while humming to her grandson.  

“So, do you want more, or are you all done?”  Connor asked, jumping into the conversation.  

They met eyes again, communicating without speaking.  “I’m open to the idea of having more.”  Kate answered, ceasing in her movements, much to Owen’s annoyance.  

Alexis had to hold back her laugh.  They’d come to her two months ago, asking her if she was comfortable with the idea of more siblings.  It seemed like they were asking permission, something about it possibly being weird for Owen to have an aunt or uncle who was younger than him.  But she’d stopped paying attention, squealing with delight at the thought of more siblings, more babies to snuggle with.  

“I haven’t thought too much about it.  I’ve got one of each, I’m happy with that.”  Her father’s voice pulled her back to reality, his eyes wandering to his wife, his grin wide as he watched her interact with the baby.  

“I can only imagine having my boys,” Kate started, her eyes looking off to the distance, “but part of me really wants to see Castle with a little girl.”  She met Alexis’ gaze then, her smile widening.  “I missed all the cute things he did with you.  I’d love to see him with another little girl.”  

“He is the best at tea parties.”  As her father’s eyes widened, she laughed, moving to pull plates down from the cabinets.  The plates landed next to the food with a clatter, making her Father jump.  “Let’s eat!”

Dinner was lively, conversations flowing easily with help from the little ones, who squealed across the table at one another, eating off their parents’ plates.  They told stories about growing up, Emmet’s siblings and her Dad each competing to find the most embarrassing story, Kate and Alexis sharing eye rolls across the table at one another.  Emmet’s face turned as red as her hair when Connor told them all how he’d managed to get stuck in the toilet, promising to bring the picture next time.  He hid his face when Alexis held her hand out for his phone.  “I’m giving you my number.  Text it to me.”  

“Please don’t!  She’ll leave me!”  Her fiancé spoke from behind his hands, his voice desperate.  

She ran her fingers through his curls, her head leaning down so she could see his eyes through his fingers.  “I promise, I’ll keep it to myself.”  She thrust her head in the direction of her family.  “They’ll have to wait until next year.  Besides, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this story, and I want to see the picture.”  

He met her eye then, his brown eyes pleading.  “For your eyes only.”  

“I promise.”  She had to contain her squeal of excitement when Emmet looked up at his brother, nodding his permission.  Her Father had a mischievous gleam in his eye as he watched the scene unfold.  She held out a finger, raising her eyebrows and using the tone of voice that always told him she meant business.  “I mean it, Dad, for my eyes only.  Don’t go getting any ideas.”  

Kate snorted at the implication, and her Dad’s face turned a bright shade of red.  “I wasn’t thinking…  I mean why would I… I don’t know why you’d think I wanted to see that, Alexis.”  

“Do you want to try that again?”  

Kate was in stitches watching father and daughter interact, and even Emmet had a grin on his face again, his hand finding Alexis’ knee and squeezing it with silent gratitude.  

“Nope, I want to hold on to the shred of dignity I have left.”  

Conversation dwindled as the meal settled, and Alexis found herself sitting with Kate and the kids in the living room while the others cleaned and got dessert ready.  They bonded over all the times they’d managed to fluster her Father, and laughed about his face whenever it happened.  Oliver and Alina played together, building a tower with blocks as high as they could and then letting Owen knock it down, the youngest so delighted each time it fell that he clapped and bounced around.  

After a little while, her Dad came in the room, smiling at his youngest and grandson.  “So they want to hear from someone else about that case with the tiger, since they have this wild idea that I exaggerate.”

“I see someone has warned them about you.”  Kate’s reply was quick, her eyes dancing with laughter as she looked up at him.  “I’ll go in and set them straight, make sure your ego isn’t too bruised.”  She stood, pressing a kiss to his cheek before sauntering into the other room.

Dad took Kate’s seat, Oliver running over to hug him before returning to the tower.  “So, that picture…”

“Not going to happen.”  

His shoulders hunched as her voice rose, and he angled his body away from her.  “Okay, okay!  Never mind!”  She tried to keep her face tough, but the absurd manner in which her Father moved made her smile, the chuckle sneaking out as she settled back into the couch.  Dad relaxed as well, his shoulders retreating from his ears as he relaxed.  “So, Emmet’s parents didn’t make the trip?”

Her head shook, loose pieces of red hair falling around her face.  “No, they’re coming up for Christmas.  Connor and Colleen know how hard traveling is with little ones and offered to come this way.”  

“And then they’ll all be here in May for graduation and the wedding, right?”  

“That’s the plan.”  She affirmed.  

He nodded once, indicating he’d heard her while they watched the kids play.  Alexis ended up on the floor, helping the two older kids build the tower faster before Owen decided to knock it down again, a race against his impulses.  She heard the little chirp, the one that told her she was recording them, and tried her hardest to ignore it.  

It was Colleen who made her way into the living room, scooping Alina up and depositing the struggling toddler on her hip.  “If you want any dessert, you’ll come get it now.”  

Alexis scooped up Owen while her Dad reasoned with Oliver, trying to get him to make his way toward the kitchen and the desserts.  Except Oliver was a lot like her.  He didn’t really like sweets, which made coaxing him out that much harder.  

Alexis managed to grab the last piece of pumpkin pie, and a small slice of cheesecake before her father even made an appearance in the kitchen, his face falling as he saw what was left.  “Who took all the pumpkin pie?”  His voice was sad, and his eyes stared at the empty container in disbelief.  

“Sowwy.”  Connor answered, his mouth full of the stuff.  He swallowed loudly before continuing.  “Dessert is my favorite part.”  His plate was piled high, a double helping of pumpkin pie, as well as large portions cheesecake and apple pie, a scoop of ice cream in the center of the mess.  

Dad sighed, scooping up some cheesecake for himself before plopping down next to Kate.  “Don’t worry about it.  Someone didn’t want to follow me out here.”  That someone was currently sitting in his Mom’s lap, sticking his spoon in the ice cream she’d put on a special plate for him.  

Alexis watched as Kate’s hand came up to her Dad’s cheek, her movements comforting, Dad’s face brightening with the contact.  “I’m sorry, baby.”  She slid her plate closer to him.  “I got some.  You can have half.”  

His grin widened as he stuck his fork in her pumpkin pie, taking the smallest bite he could.  “Thanks, hon.” She noticed he didn’t take much more of it, allowing her to enjoy it, and not fighting as she stole a piece of his cheesecake.  He met eyes with everyone around the table.  “Alexis and I had a tradition when she was younger.  The two of us, along with my mother, would tell each other what we were thankful for.  Is that something we want to try?”  

“I’ll start!”  Colleen yelled, earning chuckles from the people around her.  She turned her head to her oldest brother, who was stuffing more dessert into his mouth.  “I am thankful that Connor helped me to afford an extra ticket so I could bring Alina to meet her cousin.  She’s having a blast!”  

“Awytibe!”  He swallowed again, grinning at Emmet.  “I’m thankful to my brother and soon-to-be sister that you opened your home to us, and welcomed us to life in the city.  Thank you.”

“It was nothing.”  Emmet turned his head, meeting her gaze, his brown eyes shining.  “I’m thankful for Alexis, who managed to cook this amazing meal, and wrangled our son while I prepared for a presentation.  Sorry I couldn’t have been more help.”

She shook her head, shrugging her shoulders.  “It was nothing.”  They were living their life out of order, and sometimes things got difficult.  But they had a good system worked out, each willing to help the other out and take their fair share of the load.  She looked around the table, meeting expectant eyes in all directions.  “I’m thankful for all of you.  You all understood how hard it might be to travel with a kid Owen’s age, and made plans to visit me instead so we wouldn’t be left out.  So thank you all.”  

I’m also thankful for Alexis, and also Emmet,” Kate started, “for inviting me along too, letting me into your bubble.”  

Alexis felt her eyes rolling, the brunette laughing at the sight.  “Kate, you’re family.  What kind of person would I be to exclude you?”

Kate shrugged.  “The point is, you don’t.  And after everything, I’m thankful that you always think to include me.”

“Of course, Kate.”

The table fell silent for a moment, a lull while her Father figured out what he wanted to say.  “I’m thankful for my family.  My growing family.  Emmet has proven to be a wonderful addition, and Owen is a delight, as always.  Alexis has always been my greatest accomplishment, and now I have Oliver to watch grow, and change, and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for him.”  He turned to meet his wife’s eye, both of them grinning as he spoke.  “And I’m thankful to be watching his life unfold with you by my side.”  Kate’s nose scrunched up, that face she made whenever Dad got sappy, and her head fell to his shoulder.

“Get a room!”  Connor called out, making Colleen and Kate laugh, Kate’s grip tightening around her husband’s arm.  

Alexis waved her hand in Connor’s direction.  “Shut up, it’s sweet!”  Because she hadn’t said it and didn’t know how.  She looked up to them.  Sure, Kate wasn’t her mother, and she’d only known her for part of her life, but the two of them together had taught her more about true love than any other couple she knew.  They were the model for her relationship with Emmet, and she hoped that one day they would be just as sickening.  And as she watched them gaze at each other, communicating with only their eyes, she realized that it was the two of them that she was truly thankful for.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the photo that inspired this prompt: https://www.instagram.com/p/91rUb5S2h5/


	24. I Dreamt About You Last Night

The trip to the Hamptons had been spur of the moment, with Kate taking a day off that she didn't really have to just spend time with him again.  He could feel her hesitance, her mind still unable to wrap around his odd disappearance, but he had hope that the trip would bring them both a little bit closer.  

She slept the whole time up, her knees pulled up on the passenger seat, her head resting on top, quiet snores filling the air around them.  She hadn't been sleeping.  She'd woken the last few nights, clutching at him and trembling.  More than anything, he wished he could fix it.  Seeing her struggle was the worst part about being back.  But her timid kisses along his jaw in the mornings told him that whatever he was doing was a step in the right direction.

Even though his mind couldn't remember being missing for two months, he knew his body did.  Because every small touch of her hand against his, a whiff of her cherry scented body soap, the sound of her laughter, created this feeling of deep longing in the pit of his stomach.  It made him want to hold her close, never letting her go, to make up for time he didn't realize he’d lost.  His plan was to just look at the stars with her, out on their porch, snuggled together under a blanket.  She’d surprised him with her knowledge before, and he was looking forward to it again.

Except it was pouring, the rain coming down like sheets, and the wind pushing it into the covered deck, making it useless.  She sensed his disappointment though, her head resting on his shoulder and her arms wrapped around his bicep.  “I was just looking forward to stargazing with you again.”

Her head snapped up, her face brightening.  “I have an idea.”  She pulled away from him, rushing towards the stairs and calling over her shoulder.  “Stay there, I'll be right back!”

A smile stretched across his face as he listened to her dart around above him from room to room.  He heard scraping above him as furniture was moved, and heard her run once more from the room she was in to the other side and back again.  When the flurry of movement stopped, he heard her call out to him from the landing.   “Okay, come on up!”

He raced up, his heart beating faster with anticipation.  When he found her standing outside of Alexis’ room, a sly grin on her face, he ignored his questions and just followed her.  She had pushed the bed against the window, their comforter laid on top of the mattress.  She sank into the mattress, pointing out the window.  “This room has the best view of the storm.  Maybe it’ll clear up and we can see some stars.”  She turned her back to him, looking up at the clouds, and didn’t see him approach.  But as he sunk into the mattress behind her, she leaned back into his expansive chest, letting out a content sigh as she settled against him.  

He tried to see things from her point of view.  He tried to imagine how he would feel if the roles were reversed.  It had to be conflicting, to have the love of her life back, but to feel so betrayed.  Especially when she was the one who used facts and evidence to inform her opinions.  The facts told her he’d abandoned her, set up an elaborate hoax to leave her on their wedding day.  And he didn’t have a way to prove amnesia to her.  He’d rubbed off on her, in the years that he’d known her, but she rarely thrived on blind faith like he did.  So this had to be hard.  

He snaked his arms around her waist, letting her melt into his embrace, pressing his lips into the part of her hair.  “I love this idea.”

She turned her head, reaching to pepper kisses along his jaw and sending chills down his spine.  Her smile was soft, her eyes joyful for the first time in days as she looked at him.  “I thought you might.”  She yawned then, snuggling into his arms and pushing herself sideways so they landed together, their heads on pillows, still wrapped in his arms.  

He chuckled as they landed, pulling her so that her head rested on his chest.  “How in the world can you be tired?  You slept the whole way here.”

“Yeah, well I’ve got a few months of sleep to catch up on.”  Her tone was playful, but it cut him like a knife, her words the first real acknowledgement of her struggles and not just the rituals she used to overcome them.  

“I’m sorry.”  It came out like a whisper, his hand playing with hers at his side.  

Her hot breath on his shirt was a comfort, her sigh exaggerated as she tilted her head to meet his gaze.  “Stop that.”  

“What?”

“Saying that you’re sorry.”

“But I am s…”

“No, I get that.”  Her voice was harsh as she interrupted, her face softening as he looked on, letting her continue.  “But stop saying it and show me.  Show me that we’re still moving in the same direction, that you still want to have a life together, and leave the sorry behind us.”  

“Okay.”  He affirmed, delighting as he saw a small smile tease the corners of her mouth.  

“Good.”  She turned her body then, looking out the window at the storm brewing.  The water falling was hypnotic, and he felt her breathing become deeper and even out.  The only indication she was still awake was a gasp when lightning struck close, illuminating the window in front of them.  But after time even that slowed to a stop, until she was snoring next to him, more relaxed than he’d seen her in days, wrapped in the safety of his arms.  And with her relaxed, he let sleep overtake him, his breathing syncing with hers.

The sunlight streaming through the window woke him, warmth from the rays and the body next to him making him stretch, taking it all in.  Kate was awake, watching him, her eyes trained on his, her finger rubbing circles into his chest.  He tightened his grip on her, ready to stay like that all day.  

“I dreamt about you last night.”  She whispered, her voice breaking the stillness in the room.  

His heart may have stopped.  “Good dreams?”

Her silence only prolonged his worry, her hand stilling as she tried to explain it.  “Weird dreams.”  He let out a sigh of relief as she settled on it.  Weird was different than bad.  She’d tell him if they were bad, right?  “You didn’t die this time,” she started, her hand moving again, “those were the worst dreams.  Even worse than the ones where I was in the car with you.”  He felt her tear on his chest, and tightened his grip around her, wishing he could fix it somehow.  “This one started like so many others.  I got to the car and you were gone, no body, no clues, nothing.  And then you appeared next to me with a ‘pop,’ the most awestruck look on your face.”  

“So, I teleported?”  His chest shook as he laughed, and he watched her pull her head up to face him, her beautiful eyes rolling.  

“Are you gonna let me finish?  Because it only gets weirder.”  She waited for him to collect himself, his chest stilling and his arms relaxing, his fingers tracing a soothing path up and down her spine.  “You told me that you had traveled back in time with that guy from the case, Doyle.  You’d seen the future and it wasn’t good, starting with the events that led to that crash.”  Her eyebrows furrowed as she tried to hold onto the dream, the memories fading.  “And then you took my hand and we ran to this giant pink castle in the middle of Manhattan to rescue Alexis.  I can’t figure out how she made it from our wedding to the castle though.”  She chuckled against him, her hand curling on his chest as her head rose again to meet his eye.  “I don’t remember much about the rescue itself, but I remember you trying that bone trick to get the keys that you see in all the cartoons.”  

“I feel like I would, and I would be the lucky person to make it work.”  

Her eyebrows rose, her smile stretching across her face.  “Well, you’ll be pleased to know that it did.”  He thrust his free hand in the air in victory, earning laughter from her.  “Don’t ask me where you got the bone, but you threw it and the man ran towards it, dropping the keys in the middle of the hallway.”  

“I told you I’d be the lucky one!  Wait,” she chuckled at him, her teeth worrying her bottom lip, as she watched his reaction.  “Did you say that the guard was a human?”

“Hey, I didn’t say it made any sense.”  She yawned, her head returning to his chest.  “So you grabbed the keys and we found Alexis’ cell around the corner.  She was in there with a boy, maybe Ashley?”  She stretched her legs out before twining them around his again.  “I can’t remember, its fading.  But I remember walking out of the castle, everyone safe and sound, and your phone ringing.  Doyle was trying to get you to come back with him, to make sure that the natural order of things had returned to normal.  So you zapped away again and…”  She trailed off, ending her story there.  

He pressed his lips to her head again, his grip tightening around her shoulder.  “I’m right here, Kate.”

“I know.”  She moved to look him in the eye once more, her hand finding its way to his cheek.  “Who knew I could be so creative in my dreams though?”  

He chuckled, glad to see that smile on her face again.  “Right?  Maybe you should be the bestselling author and I should be the cop?”

“Please, I’m nowhere near as creative as you are, with your conspiracy theories and weird connections.”  She laughed, rolling off of him and onto her back.  “Besides, my dream was riddled with plot-holes.”  

He turned on his side, propping himself up on his elbow to talk to her.  “What do you think I have editors for?”

They stayed like this all morning, shooting theories back and forth at each other.  Who may have been behind Alexis’ imprisonment?  Where did Castle get the bone?  How do you hide a giant pink castle?  They didn’t move until their stomachs started rumbling, revealing their hunger.  He made her breakfast while she relaxed in their living room, engrossed in a book.  That night, they got to watch the stars like he’d wanted to a night earlier, their alarms set for early in the morning so they could return to their regularly scheduled lives.  But this time, when they left, their spirits were much brighter, each willing and ready to focus on getting their relationship where they wanted it to be.


	25. Cross My Heart and Hope to Die

The holidays with a little one were proving to be even more magical than Kate had ever expected.  Oliver had only been a few months old when Christmas came for the first time in his life.  He’d screamed when he left the comfort of his Mom’s arms to sit on the lap of a man who shook when he laughed.  The presents that Castle had spent weeks picking out hadn’t excited him as much as his father would have liked, which Kate found hysterical, considering he already had a child and should have known what to expect.  And he’d barely been phased by the tree, Castle asserting that they’d need all new, unbreakable ornaments for the next year.  

He’d been right.  This year, with an almost-toddler, was completely different.  Oliver loved to grab the red and white striped candy off the tree, and shove it in his mouth, wrapper and all.  He tended to knock over the ornaments as he did it, not out of malice, just sheer joy and a lack of impulse control.  This year, Oliver sat in Ho-ho’s lap without a problem, grinning for the camera like he was meeting a celebrity

And Kate found it even more exciting because his personality was showing up, which made Christmas shopping so much more fun.  Unfortunately, her son was obsessed with those small yellow babbling things with goggles, and they were invading her house.  She opened the closet one day and screamed when she found the giant one staring at her.  Her husband had chuckled, pressing a kiss to her temple and making her frustrations melt away, telling her that the look of pure joy on Oliver’s face would be well worth the Minion invasion.  

He loved to volunteer.  And as much as she wanted to join him, it was hard to help out at a soup kitchen when she was also chasing around their son.  So she opted to stay home this year, baking what felt like thousands of cookies and singing along to Christmas songs on her Pandora station.  Oliver helped, the young boy standing on a chair at the table, stirring the batter as well as he could.  Kate stood behind him, her hands on his sides to prevent him from falling, helping him stir when his arms got too tired.  And the entire time she crooned into his ear, making him giggle.  “You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout I’m telling you why.”  She poked him, her heart soaring as he laughed, turning his head to meet her eyes.  “Why, Ollipop?”  

His free hand shot up in the air, the energy he emitted enough to melt all the snow in the city.  “Ho-ho!”  

She laughed then, pressing a kiss to his chubby cheek.  “That’s right!  Santa Claus is comin’ to town!”  She continued the second verse, his enthusiasm this time channeled into the spoon he was stirring in the bowl rather than joining his Mother in song.  Kate continued to hum along, laughing as she pressed kisses into his neck and he wiped them off.  

After a few minutes, she leaned forward, her chin resting on his shoulder and her hand on his spoon.  “I think you’ve stirred enough, what do you say we make cookies now?”

“No.  Tir.”  Their son was like them, stubborn once he set his mind on something.  This time was no different, as he pushed the bowl as far away from Kate as he could muster, his eyes squeezed shut, like that would make her impossible to hear.  

Her fingers rubbed into her temples, her breathing even.  No, it wasn't life or death of these cookies didn't go into the oven right now, but she didn't want to be up until the early morning, cooking them for Christmas baskets.  She chuckled to herself as she realized that her husband’s knack for procrastination had rubbed off on her, though she wondered if it was the combination of being a mother and leader of a precinct that caused it.  Her eyes drifted over to the white fabric hanging on the wall next to the fireplace, the advent calendar her husband had picked up for their son.  It had little things inside, no sweets, not yet.  Things like matchbox cars and Beanie Babies to get him excited for Christmas.  And Kate realized that if she couldn’t reason with her son, she could distract him.  

Her arms wrapped around his tiny body, her lips pressing against his ear.  “Do you want to pick your present for today?”  

His face lit up as he dropped the spoon and looked at her, her own eyes mirrored back at her in her little boy.  “Pwesent?”

She nodded, her smile wide as she took the bowl from his hand.  “Yeah, you can pick out your present for today.”

She watched him climb down from his seat, still clumsy as he got used to the movements but determined to do it himself, his chubby legs pulling him toward the white fabric on the wall.  “Pwesent Mumma!”

“That's right!”  He climbed into the other chair, to reach his prizes, his fingers curling around empty pockets.  “We need the one that says 23.  Can I help you find that number?”  She guided his hand down to the second to last pocket, watching him reach inside, his tongue sticking out of his mouth in determination.  The small wind-up toy fit into the palm of his hand.  “What is it, Oliver?”

“Bir!”

“It is a bird!”  She wound the toy up, smiling with him as he watched the toy dip into his hand like it was eating, marveling in how the smallest thing made him so enthusiastic.  He wiggled and laughed in the chair, asking for more, which she gladly did for him.

Her head turned at the sound of her husband’s return, his voice booming as he sang carols down the hallway before the door ever opened.  Oliver wiggled down from the chair, running to the door to meet his father, his grin wide as he waited by the door.  Kate took the opportunity to rush the bowl of batter to the kitchen before he could see she was taking it, setting it next to the cookie sheets.  

Castle greeted their son at the door, and she couldn't help but grin at the giggles he let out as his father flipped him upside down and blew raspberries into his neck.  The sound brought joy to her heart, helping counteract some of the melancholy she felt around the season.  

“Look who I met in the elevator!”  He called, setting their son down and letting him run off.  Kate craned her head over the island to see, Alexis’ red hair covered with a black knit hat, the young woman standing awkwardly in the door.  She always seemed to feel out of place now that she’d moved out for good, living now in a small apartment with her boyfriend.  Castle seemed to sense this, pushing her forward and pulling the jacket off her shoulders.  

“Alexis, thank God!  I need help with cookies, and your brother only wants to stir, and your father will eat all the dough.  Want to help?”  

“You tried to make cookies with the boys?  Are you nuts?”  She laughed as she came over, hanging her hat over her coat and pulling her hair out of her face.  

Kate pushed the bowl towards her, laughing.  “I don't let your Dad help anymore, but I had to keep Oliver busy.”

Alexis washed her hands as Kate started rolling balls of dough.  “Oh, and he’s terrible to redirect.”  

“Sometimes.”  She spaced out the balls of dough evenly, her hands covered in gunk as she grinned at her step-daughter.  “I had him open his little present instead.”

“Smart.”  The redhead copied Kate, her cookies a bit smaller as she placed them on the sheet.  “Are you coming caroling with us tonight?”

Her head snapped up as she looked back and forth between her husband and her step-daughter.  “You’re going caroling tonight?”

Castle situated their toddler on his hip and walked towards her, seating the boy so he could see the cookies.  “I mean, we were thinking about it.  Because we have your family party tomorrow night, and people have been caroling for weeks now, we can just join a group.”  He turned the boy, his lip quivering, and used his finger to try and make Oliver’s lip quiver too.  He lowered himself down to their son’s ear.  “Can you say, ‘please Mumma?’?”

Oliver looked at her then, his eyes big and making her heart melt.  “Peas?”

She could see Alexis trying to hold in her laughter, the girl’s lips tight, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes.  And Castle was no help, as he was the only person in the world who could make her do what he wanted with a quivering lip and puppy dog eyes.  “It’s cold, and I have to make cookies.”

“It’s not cold!”  The redhead spoke up, surprising them both.  “This is the mildest winter I’ve seen in ages.”  

“And you can finish cookies in the morning.  I’ll help!”  One raised eyebrow from her had him chuckling, bringing the baby between them like a shield.  “I promise, I won’t eat all of the cookie dough.”

She narrowed her eyes at him before turning towards the oven, both trays ready to bake.  “Why don’t I believe you?”

He raised both his hands like he was being held up, his mouth dropping open, and she found it difficult to keep her face so stoic.  His right hand made an ‘x’ over the left side of his chest, his blue eyes wide.  “Cross my heart and hope to die.”

She regarded him with narrowed eyes for a bit longer until the facade dropped, her lips stretching into a brilliant smile that had him grinning smugly.  “Fine.  We can go after this batch finishes.”  

By the exclamation of joy that her husband released, an outsider would have thought that he’d just won the lottery or something.  Instead, he scooped up their son and carried him up the stairs, crooning to him about dirty diapers and warmer clothes.  

They found themselves joining a group of carolers from a church, who welcomed them with open arms and hot chocolate.  They stood by a bonfire, picking songs from their folders and letting the stray family look on, talking and laughing between songs.  The older women thought that Oliver was the cutest (and Kate had to agree) little boy they’d seen in ages, and they all gushed over him.  He got free cookies, and helped to sing along, Jingle Bells a fast favorite of his.  

He started dozing off around nine, his head resting under Kate’s chin, hazel eyes fluttering closed.  She rubbed her hand over his back in soothing circles, slowly shifting her weight from one leg to the other.  “Do you want me to take him home?”  Her husband whispered in her ear, his hands falling to her waist as he held her from behind.  

“No.  We’ll stay for another song or two and then I’ll head home with him.”  Her eyes shifted to where Alexis stood, looking on with an elderly woman, her smile bright in the glow of the fire.  “Don’t leave your daughter here because of us.”  

“I thought you were having fun?”

“I am!”  She turned her head to meet his eye, smiling to reassure him.  “And we can have fun again next year when he is a bit older and not drooling on my jacket.  But you and Alexis are having fun now and I don’t want to spoil that.”

His lips connected with her cheek, his arms tightening around her waist.  “Thank you.”  

She didn’t respond, just leaned backward into him, letting him support her weight and the weight of their sleeping child as the next song started.  Somebody with a guitar struck the opening chords, and she was back in her dad’s cabin, her Mom playing the song while she and Dad sang along, harmonizing with her mother’s melody.  

Alexis moved back towards them, no need to look at the lyrics.  It seemed Silent Night was the one song everyone knew, the folders closing as the melody took over the night.  It was then that Kate really heard Alexis’ voice for the first time.  A clear soprano, with a beautiful tone, ringing out above the forced vibrato of the older choir group, growing louder as she gained confidence.  So Kate joined in, pulling out harmonies she hadn’t used in over a decade, her deeper alto melding perfectly with the younger woman standing next to her.  As they gained confidence with their harmonies, Alexis grinned, her clear blue eyes meeting Kate’s as they finished the song together.  Castle sung the melody with Alexis, his usual booming voice low so he could listen to the two of them, singing as one.  And the song Kate once thought she’d never be able to sing again she now didn’t want to end.  

It did end though, and the church group all bowed their heads to pray.  Kate did as well, more out of respect than anything, but she did send up a silent _Thank you_ to whatever might be out there.  She side hugged her step-daughter and kissed her husband, telling them to enjoy themselves, and took her sleepy Oliver home.

She couldn’t wait to do it all again next year.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I called this something else on tumblr, but it has one of my 100 ways phrases in it. This is for tumblr user cuffedcaskett47, whom I have loved getting to know, and is wonderful beyond belief. So I hope she enjoys it!


	26. There is Enough Room for Both of Us

His fingers typed out the familiar keyboard shortcut as he saved his chapter and closed the laptop.  And he was met with the sounds of… nothing.  With his wife and four-year-old son at home.  Leaving his desk to investigate, he made his way into the living room, finding his wife curled under the throw blanket, her eyes drifting open and closed.  She grinned as she saw him though, stretching her limbs, the blanket tucked under her chin.  “Hey, you.  How’s the chapter going?”

“I wrote two.  I hope I can be done for Christmas.”

“Well, you won't have too much time after.”  She moved her feet, leaving him room to sit with her.  When he started to pull the second blanket from the back of the couch though, she tossed the end of hers over his legs, along with her feet.  “There is enough room for both of us under here.”

“Well there may be plenty of room for both of you, I'm not sure yet if I can fit too.”  That earned him a playful kick on his thigh, nothing hard, her feet returning to his lap.  His hand reached out to run over her outstretched stomach, more than ready for their little girl to make her appearance.  “Oliver napping?”

She nodded, wiggling her feet until he got the hint, his hands dropping to his lap to massage her soles.  “Yeah, he’s all worn out.”  

“Good.  Maybe he’ll sleep tonight.”  Kate only grunted at him, her eyes closing as his hands worked.  “So, while we have the time, should we revisit the name discussion?”  

This time she grunted for a different reason, worry lines creasing in her forehead.  “Do we have to?”

“Kate, the baby is due on Christmas.”

“So we have plenty of time!”

“It's December 6th.”

He had to laugh as she shrugged, tucking the blanket around her arms, her eyes still closed.  “See.  We have just under three weeks.”

“We’ve had nine months.”  He shot back, watching her open her eyes and search in the air around her.  

“Why is this so much harder this time around?”

“Because we’re picky.”  They each had names that they liked, but there was very little overlap between the two lists.  Nothing that they were crazy about.  

“I just feel like Oliver was easier.”  Which was true.  His name was set in stone two weeks after she told him she was pregnant.  She’d expressed her love for the name Jacob, and he’d pulled Oliver out of the back of his mind, from discussions with Meredith about potential middle names for Alexis.  They tossed around the two, settling on the order after a week, happy that they had one name down and one more to go.  But then they found out he was a boy, and shelved the girl name conversation.  “Unless I'm just delirious.  Maybe it was just as hard.”

“It wasn't.  Beginners luck.”  He switched to her left foot, watching her eyes close again.  “What about Desiree?”

Her face scrunched up and her nose wrinkled.  “Nope.  Don't like it.”

“But it means ‘desired or wished.’  It's the perfect name for our Christmas miracle.”  He watched her grin at their daughter’s nickname, the only thing they referred to her as.  They tried for a year to have her, Kate worried more and more with each passing month that her chances were getting lower and the risks getting higher.  But that first ultrasound, hearing the due date and their little girl’s heartbeat, may have turned Kate into a believer of miracles and magic.

Her head shook, her eyes fluttering open once more.  “I know, I just don't like it.”

He sighed, moving his hands from the soles of her feet and moving up her calves.  “Okay.”  He tried to remember the names on his list, something he’d never said before.  “Shanta?”

Her eyebrows raised, her hazel eyes dancing with mirth.  “Doesn't that sound a little bit like some fat man who delivers presents to our son?”

“It means ‘peace’,” he offered, his eyebrows raised and hands stilling.  

“Well, kids are cruel, and they’ll call her Santa.  So maybe not.”

“I guess you're right.”  He moved his hands again to her other leg, giving it the same attention he gave the first.  “What do you like?”

“I don't know.  I mean, I feel like there’s a beauty and elegance to some of the more classic names.”  A small smile stretched across her face as she thought of some and he swore his heart skipped a beat.  “Like Madeline, Elizabeth, or Anne.”   

The snort came out before he could stop it, and he found himself at the other end of one of her glares.  “I'm sorry!”  He apologized, watching her expression melt as he laughed.  “Anne?  How many little girls do you know named Anne?  It sounds like an old lady name!”

“So we can call her Annie.”

Her face curled into a grimace as she realized what she had suggested, his laugh growing louder.  “You said kids are mean, and you don't think they’d all sing ‘it's a hard knock life’ at her on the playground?”

“Okay, I'll give you that one.”  She sighed, pulling her feet from his lap and sitting up, ready to take their conversation seriously.  “But what's wrong with Madeline?  It reminds me of that little girl from the books in Paris.”

He reached his arm around her shoulder, pulling her into him and settling against the back of the couch.  “I kind of like it for a middle name, like Madeline L’Engle.”

He heard her chuckle against him, her body snuggling closer.  “You know, if you keep doing that, I'll be left out of this whole literary name thing you have going on.”

“Okay, in fairness, we weren't attempting that with Oliver.”  Sure, he and Alexis had literary middle names, but it was supposed to stop there.  But as it turned out, Jacob just happened to be one of the brothers Grimm, meaning Oliver fit into the little theme that Castle had started ages ago.  “Plus, you have that cool, movie star thing going on.”

Her snort made him smile, his hand tightening around her shoulder.  “Yeah, it’s real cool.  I just don’t want to be the only one left out.”

“What about two middle names?  One author related and one movie star related?”

“Castle!”  His shoulders hunched up, and he braced himself for her reaction.  “We can’t even pick out a first name, what makes you think that we can agree on two more names?”

“I’m sorry, that was a dumb idea.”  

“Not dumb, just impractical.”  Her hand began drawing circles on his knee as her mind drifted elsewhere.  He focused on the movement, counting the rings, trying to come up with something she hadn’t heard before.  It was a few minutes before she spoke again, offering a different approach.  “Maybe it would be easier to start with a middle name?  Do you have a few authors in mind?”

His grin crept across his face in response, his mind moving a mile a minute.  “Well, I've used Harper once, and we just mentioned Madeline.  But of course there’s always Mary Shelley, Jane Austen, Charlotte Brontë, J.K. Rowling…”

“I'm going to veto that one.”  She interrupted, pushing back to look in his face.

“Why?”

“Because I don't want to explain to my Father that I didn't name our child after Mom, but after an author of children’s books.”

“You know, that’s still on the table if you want it to be.”

Her arms crossed over her chest, her face stoic as she stared ahead.  “I don’t want it, so let’s just move on.”  This argument had been going on for months, ever since they started name conversations.  She made it clear that naming their daughter after Johanna wasn’t something that she felt like she needed anymore.  She’d been in therapy, Bracken was put away, LokSat taken down, so she had closure.  She didn’t want their child to have to live up to an ideal that she would never witness.  Part of him wondered if she insisted against it because she was worried he didn't really want it.  But he couldn't figure out a way to tell her that it was fine without it sounding like lip service.  She shut down the conversation before they could start it, and he worried about pushing the issue too far.  “I kind of like Mary,” she started, moving away from the Joanne conversation, “because of the whole science fiction thing we have going for us.”

“That’s part of the reason it was at the top of my list.”  His hand found her knee and squeezed tight.  “I'd be okay with Mary for a middle name.”

“So, what goes with Mary?”  She asked no one in particular, her eyes searching in the space around them.  Before she could offer one, they were interrupted by shuffling feet at the top of the stairs, their son’s small voice calling out to them.  Her beautiful eyes rolled back into her skull as she threw the blanket off of them and struggled to her feet.  She leaned down, pressing a kiss to his lips.  “To be continued.”  She made her way to the stairs, calling out to their son, her voice high and lilting in a tone meant only for their children.  “What is it, Ollipop?”

“Come upstairs!  I have to show you sumfin.”  His voice was a whisper, his body thrumming with excitement.  This could be interesting.  As Castle followed his wife upstairs, he considered a few names to bring up the next time they revisited this discussion.  

Except they never revisited it.  Between getting the loft ready for Christmas, hosting the precinct Christmas party, shopping and cooking for their own families, driving all the way to Alexis’ house for Christmas dinner, and Christmas morning with a four-year-old kept them busy.  It was two days after Christmas before they started again, this time with their perfect little girl curled up on Kate’s chest.  

Kate pressed a kiss to the newborn’s fingers, her eyes glued to the baby’s face.  Her smile was soft, and she radiated joy from every pore on her body, despite her exhaustion.  Castle had never seen her more effortlessly beautiful.  “I didn’t want to be this couple.”  She whispered, afraid to startle the sleeping wonder on her chest.  

“What couple?”

“The couple who doesn’t have a name for their child in the delivery room.”  She stroked her thumb over the baby’s hair, taming the tight curls that adorned her head.  Castle’s eyes fell to the little yellow bracelet on her wrist, the typed letters reading ‘Castle, Baby girl’.  Everywhere he looked he saw it.  The whiteboard that tracked their progress had it written in big letters next to the spot for her name.  Baby girl.  The card on her plastic bassinet said the same thing.  And he found himself wondering what the nurses thought, if they thought that maybe they didn’t care enough to give her a name.  Which, of course, couldn’t be any further from the truth.  

His fingers ran over their baby’s, silently counting them again, marveling for the third time in his life about just how tiny his child’s fingernails were.  “Well, when you look at her, what do you want to call her?”

“Are you seriously asking me what name she looks most like?”  He could hear her voice getting higher, and knew she was smiling, even though his eyes were locked on his daughter whose mouth hung open as she slept.  

“Do you have a better idea?”

He took her silence as confirmation, and gave her a moment to think, his thumb coming up to touch the newborn’s hair.  In his mind’s eye he pictured her, nose scrunched up in concentration as she studied the newborn’s face.  He was almost tempted to look, but couldn’t pull his eyes away from their little Christmas miracle.  “I keep coming back to Elizabeth.”  Her suggestion made him smile, relieved to have a name to put to the face after all this time.  “There are so many nicknames for that, but it’s still one of those classic names that I love.  I just don’t love how it sounds with Mary for a middle name.”  

He could hear the regret in her voice, which told him that she wasn’t sold, and pulled his head up to meet her eyes for the first time since they started this discussion again.  “So scrap Mary.  I like both names, but if you don’t love it then neither do I.”  

Her eyes watered, her gratitude clear, and she snuggled Elizabeth closer to her while gazing down at her face.  “So what other authors do you have in mind?”

“Screw that.”  Her head popped up at that, her eyes meeting his as her brows knit together in confusion.  “My name was never meant to have literary references in it.  I did it with Alexis because I wanted us to have a theme, but we didn’t plan it with Oliver.  We both just liked Jacob better as a middle name, and it wasn’t until later that we realized that Jacob was a Grimm’s brother.”  His eyes drifted back to Elizabeth, who was stirring, her head nodding from side to side as she came to.  “I say we give her a name that we like and forget all about authors or movie stars.”  

“Castle, I’m too tired to think of new names off the top of my head.”  

They were silent again, Kate now with her head back and eyes closed, Castle with a whole list of names running through his head, searching for anything she might like.  And when he found it, his grin grew wider.  “What about Noelle, for our Christmas miracle?”  

She popped one eye open, her hand rubbing up and down the waking infant’s back, soothing the girl.  “It is after Christmas, you know.”

“I know.”  His mind drifted to the ornaments on the tree that celebrated her first Christmas, the ones with the year painted on them that were no longer true, because she came two days late.  “But it’s still the same time of year.  And it has a nice ring to it.”

“Elizabeth Noelle.”  She tested it out, her smile stretching across her face as it settled in the air around them, the baby letting out a content sigh as she settled again.  “I think she likes it.”  Kate giggled, her hand still moving in soothing circles over the newborn’s back.  

“Perfect.”  He rose from the chair, making his way over to the whiteboard and using his sleeve to erase where it said ‘Baby Girl’ and writing her name in the blank space, the finality of the action lifting a weight off his shoulders.  He settled back in his seat, his eyes falling to Elizabeth once again.  He lowered his voice, crooning to his daughter, excited as he saw the increased activity as she recognized his voice.  “Welcome to the world, Elizabeth Noelle Castle.  We love you so much, and we know that you are destined for great things.”

“No pressure or anything,” his wife chuckled, her hand resting on the back of his neck.  “Don’t let Daddy scare you.”

“Oh, I could never.”  He looked up at his wife, her head leaning back and her eyes closed as she tried to rest.  “You need to sleep.  I’ll take her.”  So he scooped her up and walked around the room with her, listening to his wife’s soft snores, and crooning lullabies to his youngest child.  And he wondered, while admiring two of his three girls, how in the world he got so lucky.  

 


	27. I Was In the Neighborhood

Every year since she joined the force, Kate Beckett volunteered for the Christmas shift.  And once she made Detective, she rarely had to work on New Year's Eve.  Sometimes she volunteered, but sometimes she preferred to spend her night curled up at home, a good book and a glass of wine in her hands.

She realized this would change on her second Christmas with Castle.  Christmas meant so much to him, and he got so enthusiastic that she couldn't help but smile along with him.  He made the holidays better. He didn’t erase all of her pain, but he could at least help her add some good memories to the bad ones.  And for the first time in years, she wanted to try and be happy.  For him.  

He wasn't happy when she explained that she would have to work New Year's Eve.  Something about standing around in the crowd, watching for trouble didn’t appeal to her either.  The reality seemed to hit home for him when she brought her uniform to his house, still wrapped in the clear plastic from when Ryan and Espo brought it to the cleaners after her shooting.  It had helped them calm their fears, and been a way to convince themselves that everything would be okay.  It helped her too, to remember that they were waiting for her.  It helped her focus on her healing so she could get back to doing what she loved.  

She spent much of the afternoon with her fiancé, just curled up beside him in his bed, listening to him try to tempt her into calling out.  He knew by now it was worthless.  This was New York City’s busiest night, and she already had her orders.  But that didn’t mean he would stop, and he bugged her up until the moment she moved to cook for them, her stomach growling, as if she needed a reminder that she was hungry.  

After lunch, she ironed her shirt and tie, leaving them laid out on the bed so they wouldn’t wrinkle.  She let him watch her pull her hair back into a tight bun, taming the flyaways with bobby pins.  She kept her makeup simple.  No one would be there that she wanted to impress anyway.  

She heard his breath catch in his throat as she put the jacket on, her badges displayed so the world could see.  Her own breathing stopped for a moment as she looked at herself in his mirror.  It was different seeing the uniform on her rather than looking at it from where it hung on her closet door.  Somehow, seeing it on her for the first time since she had been shot brought back all her feelings of fear, doubt, and despair.  It was overwhelming.  And she found herself hating how an object that had once brought her great pride in her accomplishments was now something she couldn't wait to get off of her skin.  

Her hand drifted to the place on her chest where there had once been a hole, her life pouring out of it, and swallowed, suppressing her anxiety.  “I’m here.”  She whispered, for her benefit and for his, finding herself drifting backwards into his expansive chest.  “I’m alive, and I’m here.”  Her hand drifted behind her until it found his, and she intertwined their fingers.  “We’re okay.”  She could feel her heartbeat slowing as she stood against him, her breathing evening out as his other hand rested at her hip.

“We are.”  His deep voice rumbled in his chest, she could feel it in her back, her breathing slowing even more.  “And you’ll be surrounded by officers.  And you’ll have a great time, I promise.”  His head fell, his lips pressing into the side of her head before he continued.  “I just wish we could bring in the New Year together.”  

She turned to him then, standing on her tiptoes and pressing a chaste kiss to his lips.  “I know.  But I'll be home around four, and I'll give you a New Year's kiss then, I promise.”  Her eyes caught the clock on his nightstand, and she pushed herself up once more, stealing another kiss from his lips.  “I'm running late, I have to go.”  She slipped her feet into her shoes, not bothering with the laces, and checked her hair one last time.  Before slipping out the door, she ran back, stealing one more kiss from him and delighting in the little smile that was plastered on his face.  “Happy new year, babe.”  And with that she left, her hat in its proper place on her head, her anxieties diminished.  

Times Square was crowded already, many of the cordoned off sections filled to capacity.  She found the Lieutenant in charge of her section, reporting in with a smile as she stood amongst the young couples and children who were ready to ring in the New Year with a bang.  

Her section was at least amusing, which made the night easier.  Some college boys were partying near the edge where she stood, and with each additional drink they consumed, the more they flirted with her.  Under normal circumstances, she would be annoyed.  But the music that was pumping and the energy they brought made it fun.  And none of them pushed her to a point where it was uncomfortable.  In fact, they gave Officer Rigley, the heavily armed male officer behind her, the same treatment.  She couldn't help but laugh at the smirk that adorned his face, as he tried to bite his lip and stay serious.  She gave a couple directions to the Olive Garden, waving at them and wishing them a happy new year.  Twenty minutes later she saw that same couple moving the other way, the man with the dark hair teasing his blonde boyfriend about calling for reservations next year.  She had to laugh at that, and she waved them into her section, flashing them both a sympathetic smile as they took their glasses from her.  These people, and the little blonde girl who kept waving at her, pink sparkly 2015 glasses falling off her nose, were helping to make her shift more bearable than she thought it would be.  

The square erupted with noise as the ball dropped, all the young couples in her pen giving each other the first kiss of the new year, their hands on their loved ones faces as they celebrated together.  It made her happy to see people celebrate, and hopeful for the year ahead.  But it also made her slightly jealous, and she couldn't ignore the pull in her gut that wished Castle was there with her.  

All of the college boys found someone to share a kiss with.  Two of them, who reminded her of Ryan and Espo, when finding themselves without girls to flirt with, kissed each other instead, their friends begging for them to do it again so they could take a picture.  She made a mental note to tell her boys later, knowing they'd get a kick out of it.  

A half hour after the drop people were still partying in the square.  The college boys had started to ignore her, and were now dancing with their new friends.  Even Rigley had dropped his serious face and was dancing to the music, his feet shuffling along as he stayed in formation, his helmet bobbing along with the beat.  She just stood back, watching the crowd as it greeted the New Year, her smile growing wider with each passing moment.  

A tap on her shoulder pulled her out of her trance, and she whirled around to find her fiancé, green 2015 glasses on his face, his grin wide, his eyebrows wiggling at her.  “Happy New Year, Detective.”  

She grinned, her arms reaching around his neck as she leapt into his arms.  The college boys who’d been flirting all night whooped as she kissed him, their lips meeting with a crash and filling her with warmth.  Her hands moved to his cheeks, pulling him even closer to her as he pulled the rest of her body into him.  It dawned on her what she was supposed to be doing, and he bit her lip as she pulled away, realizing that this was not professional behavior.  “What are you doing here?”  She asked him with a smile.

His shoulders heaved up and down, his eyes twinkling with laughter.  “I was in the neighborhood.”  

She laughed, her hand pushing at his shoulder as he grinned.  “Like hell you were.  You came looking for me.”  Almost one million people in this square tonight, and he spent the time looking for her to surprise her with a kiss.  She didn’t want to think about how hard that must have been.  

“And I wish I'd found you earlier.  I'll just plan better for next year, I guess.”  

Her mouth fell open on a gasp, her grip tightening around his arm.  “You aren’t seriously planning on doing this again, are you?”

His eyebrows raised as he held her tighter, his blue eyes never leaving hers.  “Kate, I will do this as long as I am able to, until the day you tell me to stop.”  She silenced the rest of his words by leaping up at him again, ignoring the voice in the back of her head and covering his mouth with hers, reveling the feeling of his hand at the back of her neck.  

The spent the rest of the party dancing along with the music, and singing along with the drunk boys.  She watched the crowds with him at her side, his arm wrapped around her waist.  And when they returned home, after her almost fourteen hour shift, they fell into bed, exhausted, wrapped up in each other’s arms.  2015 was going to be their year.  She could feel it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!


	28. Can I Have This Dance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is based on a gif that I saw on tumblr, which came from episode 5x07 of Cold Case, World's End. It is about the War of the Worlds broadcast, and because I am a perpetual fangirl, I knew what it was from the moment I saw it and decided to write a Caskett AU. So, I hope you enjoy it.

She couldn't sleep.  Her stomach felt like it was eating itself, and all she could hear was the sounds it was making and her husband snoring next to her.  His stomach made similar noises, and she found herself wondering how in the world he could sleep through it.  A particularly loud growl had her wondering if she still had those little candies in the bottom of her purse, and she found herself climbing out of bed to find out.  

She stepped downstairs lightly, not wanting to wake Joshua, but finding that every noise in this house echoed.  They didn't need a large house.  It was just the two of them, and the large house cost a lot more than a smaller apartment might.  Of course, Joshua didn't want to talk about it, so she never brought it up.  

Her purse hung by the front door, and her fingers found what they were looking for, the tiny pieces of candy wrapped in clear plastic.  The small piece of cardstock was a bonus as she pulled her hand out, and she moved it aside and counted the candies.  Five candies she could eat to maybe soothe her growling stomach.  Two made their way back into her purse, for a later date, and she unwrapped one as she studied the card.   _Roy Montgomery, Diamond Lounge, Owner._  He told her that he only chose the prettiest girls, as he handed her his card in that line for the soup kitchen.  At the time, she didn't know whether to feel flattered or angry at him.  But with her husband not working, and pennies in their bank account, maybe it would be worth it.

The Diamond Lounge turned out to be a ballroom, with lively music and drinks, like a party every night.  In a way, being in the lavish environment made her forget about the depression.  She could pretend to be a part of this world every night, before returning to her life, growling stomach and all.  

The work that Mr. Montgomery was alluding to was that of a Taxi Dancer.  Men could buy tickets for ten cents, good for one song with a woman of their choice.  She got a percentage of the cut to take home with her every night, as well as free food to make her stomach stop aching.  The other women seemed to enjoy it, all smiles as they danced, very few altercations with unruly drunkards.  So she decided to take her first shift that night, with all the sailors on their last night of shore leave.

She stayed next to the attendant who’d given her the tour, not quite sure if she was ready to jump into the action, her eyes scanning the room as people moved about.  “Hi, you must be Kate.”  She turned toward the voice when she heard her name, looking at the dark eyes and copper skin which shone as bright as her smile, wondering how the word of her joining travelled so fast.  “I’m Lanie, and you’re gonna love it here.”  

Kate let out a relieved sigh, her shoulders dropping as she relaxed.  “You think?”

“Definitely.  Where else can you go to a fancy party like this, and get paid to dance with good looking men?  This place is a catch.”  

Kate laughed, watching the woman sway to the music, her smile never faltering.  “Have you been doing this for a while?”  

Lanie nodded, her eyes meeting Kate’s again.  “Almost two years now.  Why?”

Her teeth sunk into her lower lip as she tried to find a way to ask without it sounding vulgar.  “What if the men touch me where they aren’t invited to?”  She twisted the cold metal band around her finger as she asked, wondering for the first time what Joshua might think of this new job of hers.  She wouldn’t let him complain if he wanted to.  At least she had a job, so they wouldn’t starve.

Lanie shook her head, dismissing the question.  “Most of these men are perfect gentlemen.  You have nothing to worry about.”  

Kate watched an older gentleman in a suit walk across the stage, taking the microphone as the band died out.  “Now we're going to slow it down for the evening.  Here is, _Always_.”

As the band slowed down and the girls changed partners, a man in a navy blue uniform came up to her, holding a single ticket out to her.  “May I have this dance?”

Kate smiled graciously, taking the ticket and tearing it in half, sticking one part in the pocket of her blouse and handing the other to the attendant standing nearby.  She accepted the blonde man’s arm, and tried to calm her nerves as they stepped out on the dance floor.  His hand was clasped in her left hand, her wedding ring pressing into his fingers, and she wondered for a moment if she should take it off, just to make a little more money.  That thought disappeared when his other hand started drifting down, his fingers feeling through her dress for things not meant for him.  She grabbed his wandering hand, dragging it back up to the small of her back.  “The ticket doesn't cover that.”

“Oh come on, sweetheart.”  His sneer made her stomach turn, and she fought to get away.  “Let me buy you some giggle water, loosen you up a bit.”

She pushed away from him again, fighting as his grip tightened around her arm, her heart rate picking up as she fought.  “Get your hands off me!”

“I believe the lady said to let her go.”  The voice from behind her made her jump, but it succeeded, the sailor releasing his hold on her and stepping back.  

“The song isn't over, back off!”  He made his way around Kate, his chest puffed out, and she whirled around to watch the drama unfold.  The man who had come to her defense was taller than the sailor, with wavy dark hair and bright blue eyes, dressed in a much more expensive suit than she ever thought she'd see up close.  

“Funny, I think that's what she was asking you to do.”  The blue-eyed man had moved towards her, his presence strangely calming considering the circumstances, and Kate found herself gravitating toward him.

“Do you want to go outside and settle this like men?”

“If I have to.”  The blue-eyed man started to remove his jacket, but before it left his shoulders, another sailor came forward, whispering in the blonde’s ear.

Kate watched as his eyes grew wide, his mouth dropping open as the color drained from his face.  He lifted his arms in defeat, backing away from both of them.  “My apologies.”

The blue-eyed man had a smug grin on his face, his fingers working to refasten the buttons on his jacket.  Kate thrust her hand out to him, flashing a nervous smile as her heart rate slowed.  “Thank you.  I'm Kate.”

“Rick.”  He answered, nodding to her and returning to his table, ignoring her hand.  He hunched himself over a notebook, scanning the words he’d written on the page before picking up wherever he left off.  

She wanted to go and talk to him, find out more about him, maybe figure out why the color drained from the sailor’s face, but before she could get near him, Lanie dragged her away, wanting to hear all about what had happened.  

She almost didn't want to go back for the next shift.  But when Joshua came home without a paycheck again, and she started waking to a growling stomach, her mind was made up for her.  

Rick was there every night, although he never once acknowledged her.  Sometimes, while she was dancing, she would catch him staring at her, studying her movements before jotting something down in the notebook in front of him.  No one bothered him, not even the waiters, and some of the other dancers avoided his side of the room.  No one bothered her either, all the men treating her with a respect that she didn't expect after that first awful dance, and she wondered if it was because they were actually gentlemen or if word of who her protector was travelled fast.  It took a month of her pestering Lanie before the woman broke down, and told her why the soldier had reacted the way he did.  

Kate made her way to his table, a fire in her that she didn't realize she had.  He looked up, his eyes faraway, but she didn't give him much time to adjust to reality before she started questioning him.  “So, what's this I hear about you murdering a man?”  

His smug grin returned, and she didn't know if it should be taken as a good or bad sign.  “Word travels fast.”  He kicked the chair out that sat across from him, thrusting his chin in its direction.  “Sit.”

“Word didn’t want to travel,” she explained as she sat, “I had to be very persuasive.”

“Well it’s not true.”  He shoved the notebook toward her, his eyes dancing with laughter.  “I’m a writer.  The critics called me _the master of the macabre_.  I spent a lot of time shadowing police at real crime scenes to get all the details right, and sometimes that means that in small towns, false rumors spread about how I got my information.”

His notebook talked about a woman, one who looked a lot like her, who solved crimes during the day and danced at night, all to support a family.  “I would hardly say that New York City is a small town.”  

“It’s a small world, Kate.”  

She turned when she felt a tap on her shoulder, an attendant bent over next to her.  “I’m sorry miss, but you need to be accepting tickets.”

Her heart fell as she pushed her seat back.  “Of course.”  She turned back to Rick.  “I have to go.”

“Wait.”  His hands felt around the inside pocket of his jacket.  He smiled as he pulled his hand out, a long string of tickets squished between his fingers.  “I’ll give you a ticket for the next song if you’ll sit and chat with me.”  

“I think that can be arranged.”  She tore the first ticket in half, sticking one part in her pocket and leaving the other on the table.  “So why would you come here to write?”

“Why would I go anywhere else?”  He looked around, his smile growing as the room grew livelier.  “The music is inspiring.  I can almost feel my brain moving faster, the words pouring out of my soul.”  She watched his expression change from elation to disappointment, his shoulders sagging and his arms falling to his lap.  “Besides, ever since my wife left me and took my daughter, I hate going home to an empty house.”

“I’m sorry.  Why would she do that?”

He shrugged.  “She made it big in Hollywood and I was a struggling artist.  I think she would have preferred Alexis to stay with me, but I couldn’t afford it at first.  Now she’s in school in California, and we don’t want to take her out partway through the year, so I’m waiting until that’s done to ask if she wants to move back here.”

“I’m sorry.”  His eyes flicked up to her as she spoke, studying her face before traveling down her torso and settling on her ring.

“Why do you do this?  You are the only woman I’ve seen here that has a husband.”

“Because I was tired of waking up to my growling stomach.  And I was tired of listening to his.”  She fiddled with her wedding ring, afraid to look him in the eye.  “It drives me insane.  You know he won’t talk to me about money?  He thinks I shouldn’t worry.”  She scoffed, her hands balling up.  “But I do worry.  I worry we’ll go without food.  I worry that we’ll be evicted, because of course I can’t know how far behind we are.  And I’m annoyed because I thought he was different.”

“How so?”  His eyebrows raised as he asked, and for the first time in three years, she felt like someone was listening to her.  

“Because he treated me like his equal at first.  We are both educated, I could speak my mind, and he liked that about me.  But then the depression hit, and it was like he had something to prove.  I couldn’t find a job but he thinks he’s too qualified to go dig ditches, so he goes to an empty office all day and sits around, waiting for clients that don’t exist.  And now our fridge is empty, and I don’t love him like I used to, and I got a secret job just so I wouldn’t have to listen to his stomach in the middle of the night.”

“I’m sorry.”  He parroted her response back to her, making her laugh.  

When the song changed, he slid another ticket in her direction, which she again tore and stuck in her pocket.  “So.  Tell me about your book.”  

This continued for weeks.  She would show up for shifts, sit at his table, and they would discuss.  He told her stories about his daughter, Alexis, and she watched as his eyes would glaze over, the smile on his face illuminating the tallest corner of the room.  She talked about her parents, how they raised her to think critically, and to question things.  Sometimes, when she’d tell a story, he’d jot it down, trying to figure out how his characters would react to similar situations.  Then they would discuss plotlines and anecdotes for the story he was working on now.  

After some time, Mr. Montgomery told her that she had to accept other tickets.  So she tried to, but she stayed close.  And after every five tickets or so, she would sit back down for another two songs, new ideas and stories that she just had to tell him.  

Joshua came in once while she was dancing.  His face was red and his chest puffed out, ready to fight the man that was dancing with his wife.  Kate managed to get him in the hallway, away from the crowds so no one got hurt.  “What were you thinking?”  He asked her, his voice low but firm.  

“I was thinking that we hadn’t had solid food in a week, and I was sick of starving.”

“But dancing with other men?  Kate, people will talk.”

“It’s just dancing.  Besides, they know I’m off limits.”  For emphasis, she held up her hand, her wedding ring still in it’s rightful place.  “I’ve never advertised anything different.”  

He bit the insides of his cheeks, studying her.  “I don’t know if I like this.”

“Do you like having food?”  She watched him nod reluctantly.  “Would you like me to continue to buy bread and chicken?”  At his lack of response, she continued.  “Than what other options do we have?”

His eyes danced around as he thought about it, and she breathed out a sigh of relief when they met hers, and he nodded.  “Okay.  But we don’t tell anyone.”

“Deal.”  She could hear the music pick up, the pace quickening, and she tossed her head back in the direction of the doors.  “I have to go.  I’ll see you at home.”  And she ran away before he could kiss her goodbye.  

Things changed once he found out about her job though.  He seemed more distant, and they talked less.  He shut down any discussion that started with her mentioning Lanie, Rick, or the Diamond Lounge.  That, and he took late night phone calls in his study, and spoke in hushed voices so she couldn’t hear.  And while she felt like she was growing apart from Joshua, she was growing closer to Rick.  They even started talking to one another outside the club, once her wages were tucked neatly into her pocketbook.  And she started arriving home too late to even try and hear her husband’s late night phone calls.  

She wasn’t a cheater.  She wanted to fight for her marriage, and Rick was making that difficult.  So she began to visit him less, taking other tickets, and making her boss happier.  But when he waved her down one day, and no one had taken her already, she sat, offering his a small smile.  “I bought a special ticket today.”  His grin was almost infectious as he reached into his pocket.  “The song that was playing when we first met.  That’s how long this ticket lasts.”  

He handed it to her, six letters written in his familiar scrawl.  “Always,” she breathed, her heart rate rising.  

“Kate, before I met you, I thought that the good things in my life were gone.  And then you made me smile.  You made me hopeful again.  And I just don’t want to ignore that.”  

She sighed, her fingers running over the letters.  “Rick, I’m married.”

“I know.”

“I can’t leave him.  He deserves better than that.”  

“He treats you like a second rate citizen.”  His voice grew louder as her argued with her, his eyes stern as he watched her face.  “You deserve better.”

“Maybe that’s true, but maybe we can get back to the way it was.  Maybe we can fight.”  She tore the ticket in half, handing it back to him.  “And maybe it would be best if we stopped whatever this thing is that we do.”  And with that she walked away, biting back tears as another man held out his hand, yellow ticket held out for her.  She tried not to look at him for the rest of the night.  

It was the night before Halloween before Joshua broached the subject of his late night calls with her, while they were gathered around the radio.  “How would you feel about leaving the city?”

Her head snapped to his, her mind blocking out the sound of the radio as she studied his face.  “Leave the city?  Josh, I grew up here.  Our lives are here, our families are here.  Where would we go?”

“Oklahoma?”  

Her mouth dropped, and she kept hoping that his face would crack a smile, something to tell her he was joking.  “Why Oklahoma?”

“My brother has work for me there.  It’s guaranteed.  We’ve been talking about it for weeks.”  

The late night phone calls suddenly made sense.  “When would we have to leave?”

He sighed, his hands running through his hair.  “Next week.”  She bit her lip, looking away, staring at the radio but not listening, her mind racing.  “You don’t want to.”

Her head shook before she could vocalize, her wishes made known.  “I don’t want to leave.  My life is here, I love my life.”  

“And you don’t love me.”  Her heart sank as he spoke, and she wished that the words were untrue.  

“I did.  Once.”  

“I know.”  He smiled, his eyes longing but sorrowful.  “Just a few years ago you would have followed me without a question.”

The music on the program stopped, and a reporter came over the air, interrupting the moment.  “Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt our program of dance music to bring you a special bulletin from the Intercontinental Radio News.”  That announcement made them stop talking, Kate turning up the volume while they both moved closer, listening to the broadcast.  Her heart raced as they described the Martians climbing out of the metal casing.  And as much as she tried to discount it as fiction, the screams and sirens in the background just added to the authenticity.  They both gasped when the broadcast at the scene stopped, her arms wrapped around her waist.  “Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been handed a message that came in from Grover’s Mill by telephone.  Just a moment please.  At least forty people including six state troopers lie dead in a field east of the village of Grover’s Mill, their bodies burned and distorted beyond all possible recognition.”  Then counties in New Jersey were put under martial law.  Kate’s eyes flashed to her husband’s, but her mind was on Rick, at the lounge, with no idea that this was happening so close to them.  

“Rick, Lanie, my friends.  The music at the lounge is live, they don’t know what’s going on.”  She ran for the door, throwing on her jacket, sending out a silent prayer that she could get there in time.  

Joshua stopped her, his hands on her shoulders, making her look into his eyes.  “Go to him.”  

She swears her heart stopped, and wondered how long he knew about her little crush.  “Who?”  Her attempt was laughable, and thankfully, he didn’t point it out.  

“Rick.  The way you talk about him, and the fact that he is one of the first people you want to save, well I think it’s pretty clear that he is a big part of your life.”  He reached behind him, handing her the hat that matched her jacket, his jaw set as he watched her relax.  “It’s okay.  We don’t know what will happen.”  She could still hear screams coming from the radio, reports of people dead and missing.  Joshua kissed her once on the cheek.  “Go tell him how you feel.  And if we survive this, we’ll talk.”  

“Thank you,” she breathed, turning and running through the door.

She was wrong about the music.  Someone from management must have been listening, and put it on in the ballroom for all to hear.  Most had fled, rushing home to their loved ones.  But Rick was there, his house empty, and she wondered if he’d heard from his daughter at all.  “Is that ticket still good?”

He grinned, eagerly walking over to her, holding out one of the halves.  “It does say _always_.”  He took a deep breath, his hand reaching out to touch her, to make sure she was really there.  “I called Alexis and Meredith, I told them to hide out.  Hopefully they’ll make it.”

“Joshua told me to come see you, one last time before the world ended.”

His smirk stretched across his face, and she wished it could be the last thing she saw, before he handed her one of the halves.  “Can I have this dance?”

She laughed then, choosing to find happiness at the end of her life, taking the ticket from him and sticking it in her dress.  And she took his hand, and they danced to the soft cadence of his voice, and the steady rhythm of her heartbeat.


	29. I'll Still be Here, When You're Ready

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for Castle Fanfic Monday, takes place after Record-a-saurus. Enjoy!

“Kate!”  The redhead’s voice rang out clear in the empty store, making her lips tug upward on her face as she whirled around to greet the child.  Sure enough, her friend’s young daughter was racing across the store, a smile bright on her face to greet her.

“Hey, you!”  Kate kneeled down, her arms outstretched, so the girl could run into them.  She pressed a kiss to Alexis’ hair.  “What’s new?”

“Daddy might need to cancel his book signing tomorrow.”  The girl looked concerned, a hint of sadness in her eyes as she backed into her father.  Rick’s mouth fell open at the girl’s words, his eyebrows raising in shock, but his arms grabbing her shoulders and squeezing tight, protecting her from whatever she was feeling.

At this, Kate stood, meeting her friend’s blue eyes as she spoke.  “Why?”  She leaned against the counter, unconcerned about looking professional while they were the only people in the store.

“My Mom is out of town, and Meredith got busy at the last minute.”  He paused at that sentence, looking down at his daughter to see how she was taking it.  Kate had learned that he never badmouthed the girl’s mother around her, even though, from the stories she’d heard, the woman deserved it.  “Sometimes I get distracted when Alexis is around, so Paula doesn’t want me to bring her, and I don’t have a sitter.”

The idea popped into her head, and she vocalized without thinking.  “I’m free tomorrow.”

Her friend’s hands tightened on his daughter’s shoulders, and he pulled himself closer to her.  “You don’t have to.”

Kate’s hopes fell at his words.  His efforts to protect her were evident from the start.  She didn’t get to formally meet the girl until they’d been talking for a few weeks, and had a clear idea about what they wanted.  At first, his protective nature seemed excessive, but once Kate learned that Alexis’ own mother seemed to abandon her at whim, she understood why he kept her so guarded.  “I mean, if you don’t want me to, that’s fine, I just thought I’d offer.”

At this, his hand relaxed, his shoulders dropping as his eyebrows knit together.  “Why would you say that?”  At her raised eyebrow, he chuckled, releasing his daughter and tapping her on the back, letting her run to the Polly Pocket display.  “No, you’re right, I’m sorry.  If you want to keep her company for a few hours, I’m fine with it.  She likes you.”

She chuckled, tucking the flyaway pieces of hair behind her ears.  “Yeah, I kind of like her too.”  Like her father, Alexis had done wonders for Kate’s happiness.  Even if it was just insisting that the younger woman join her and her father in the park for ice cream on the day that her mother had been gone for six months.  Instead of wallowing alone at home, or fighting with her Father, Kate found herself laughing and playing, some of Johanna’s favorite pastimes.  “Just tell me where and when, and I’ll be there.”

“Great, thanks!”  At his brilliant smile, Kate felt the corners of her mouth pulling upward, and a familiar flutter in her chest.   She couldn’t have asked for anyone more patient, willing to listen to her about how fast or slow they took this was between them.

Before they could continue, a group of teens came in, the same ones who came in every day and never bought a thing.  She pointed to them, moving toward the end of the aisle they were casing, mouthing a ‘sorry’ in his direction as she disappeared.

Kate kept an eye on the group of teenagers the whole time they were in the store, pretending to straighten things in every aisle they walked down.  It must have scared them off, and they left after a half hour, their pockets empty, less rowdy than they were when they entered.  When she walked down her favorite aisle, the dinosaur was placed on the top shelf, turned around, and the smile returned to her face.  She pulled it down, pressing play, and was surprised to find a message from both of the Castles.   ** _Hi Kate!_**  Alexis spoke first, her giggle sounding sillier with the deeper dinosaur voice, followed quickly by her father’s voice.   ** _You’re the best._**  His voice held a hint of laughter, probably at the idea of getting his daughter involved in their little game.  She put the tyrannosaurus back where it belonged, adjusting it so it wouldn’t lean, her grin a permanent fixture on her face.  Their visits always made her day.

She met them the next day at a bowling alley near the bookstore he was scheduled to be in.  The two girls promised to practice their forms and see if they could beat him when he was all done, and before he left, he wrapped Alexis in a hug, the girl’s arms tight around his neck.  Watching them still sent a pang or want down Kate’s spine as she remembered hugging her Dad like that.  She shook it off though, hugging Rick once and accepting his thanks as he walked the block to the bookstore.  And for the first time, she found herself alone with Alexis.

They made their way inside, changing their shoes and picking a candlepin lane, the balls just small enough for little hands.  Kate couldn’t help but laugh at the poor girl’s concentration, her tongue sticking out of her mouth as if it would help with her aim, and the many practice swings before she released the ball.  This, and the dances in the alley each time she knocked over a pin just told Kate that this would be an interesting night.

“Are you my Dad’s new girlfriend?”  Alexis asked her after recording her score.

The question surprised Kate, and she found herself without a clear answer.  “Not yet.”  The uncertainty was clear in her voice as she settled on an answer, and she wished she had a more solid answer.  

Alexis took the response well though, with a curt nod of her head and a determined expression.  “But you want to be?”

“Maybe, someday.”  Definitely someday, when she had processed her mother’s death, and had helped her father get sober, and taken care of whatever else happened in her life that would prevent her from focusing on the relationship that both he and his daughter deserved.  Kate looked down at the young redhead, her brows furrowing as she studied the girl.  “What has you interested in all of this?”

Alexis shrugged, reaching for a small ball and playing with it in her lap.  “My friend Paige’s Mommy has a new boyfriend.  His name is Ray.  Paige really likes Ray.  I really like you, so I thought you might be my Daddy’s new girlfriend.”

Kate felt the laughter bubbling in her chest.  If only life were as simple as kids made it out to be.  “Well, I like you too.  And your Dad.  But I’m not his girlfriend.”  Yet.  

The young girl only nodded, hopping up from the bench to practice her swing a few more times in the alley, her tongue squeezed firmly between her teeth.  It was like the conversation had never happened, leaving Kate somewhat confused, yet relieved the strange line of questioning was over.  

Kate started to join Alexis in her dances during the third game, openly celebrating the small victories as they happened.  It was during one of those little dance parties that Rick showed up, surprising her with his laughter and the flash of his camera.  Kate felt the blush creeping up her cheeks, and crossed her arms across her chest, trying to cut the celebration short.  But Alexis was no fool, and tugged on the hemline of the young woman's shirt.  "Kate, did you see?  I got almost all the pins down!"

Sure enough, when Kate looked, all but one were knocked over.  She hadn't counted before, just started dancing when her companion had.  No wonder the girl was brimming with excitement.  "I see, that's great, Lex!"

Rick ran over and lifted the girl on his shoulders, fake cheering and running celebratory laps around their alley and the empty one next to them.  His face was flushed when he put her down, but his eyes were bright as he looked between them.  "You two are kicking butt.  How about, you finish your game, and then try to beat me?”

"Deal!"  Alexis agreed, grabbing another ball and aiming at her one remaining pin.

"What do you say, have time for another game?"  He focused his attention on Kate as he spoke, his gaze warm, making the butterflies take flight in the pit of her stomach.  He waggled his eyebrows at her, his grin turning mischievous.  "Or are you too chicken?"

She bit the inside of her cheek to stifle her laughter, setting her jaw and putting on her best game face.  "You're on."  She challenged, just as Alexis' ball made contact with the last pin, and the girl's squeals echoed in the hall.

They left laughing, Alexis riding on Rick's shoulders, Kate's sweatshirt draped around her.  "Clearly I need to step up my game."  He spoke, tickling his daughter's legs as they walked.

"You bowled a fifty-four."  Kate laughed in disbelief.  "You challenged us, and then choked.  I don't even feel bad."

"Me either!"  The redhead piped up, making him glow with pride.

"You shouldn't talk,” he teased, bumping into Kate's shoulder, "you didn't do that much better."

"At least I scored close to one hundred!"  She shot back, letting the laughter in the air invigorate her.  "You hit less than half of those pins the majority of the time."

He shrugged.  "The lane must have been curved."

"I did fine."  His daughter spoke from above them.  The seven-year-old seemed to be the only one who could score in the triple digits, even earning herself a strike once, something neither of the adults had been able to do.  "The lane looked straight to me."

They slowed to a stop outside her building, and he chuckled, giving his daughter's legs a reassuring squeeze.  "Of course it was, Pumpkin.  You did great today."  At this, he met Kate's eyes, his smile brightening up the night.  "So, what do I owe you?"

Her mouth almost fell open at the question, and she dismissed it with a wave of her hand.  "Please.  We had fun.  You don't owe me anything."

"You spent the day with my daughter to keep me out of a bind.  Please, let me pay you."

She shook her head, crossing her arms and hoping to appear more firm.  "I didn't have to.  I wanted to.  I don't need anything for spending time with Alexis, she's not a burden, I promise."

His face seemed to soften at her words, his shoulders shifting as he redistributed his daughter's weight.  "Can we at least take you out for dinner then?  Tomorrow night?"

She grimaced, running through the numbers in her head.  "I have class until six.  It might be tight."

"But, if we pick a spot near campus, would you be up for it?"

His eyes shone with anticipation, and as much as she wanted to study for her midterms, she couldn't turn him down when he looked at her like that.  "Of course."  She nodded, and stepped forward to kiss Alexis' hand goodbye.  The girl started to shrug off Kate's sweatshirt, but the young woman shook her head, stepping away from her friends.  "Keep it.  Give it back to me tomorrow, okay?"

The girl grinned, lightening Kate's soul like her father.  "Okay.  Goodnight, Kate!"

"Good night, both of you."  And with that, she skipped into her building, waving at the doorman, who looked surprised to see her in such good spirits.

Her mood changed once she entered her apartment.  She could smell the cocktail of liquors in her father's system as soon as she opened the door.  Her sigh alerted him to her presence, and he swished the amber liquid in the cup around.  "Don't be like that, Katie."

She dropped her keys in the bowl near the door, and started going through the mail on the counter.  "I thought you were trying to cut back, Dad."

"I am.  This is the first drink of the night."

She scoffed, setting yet another delinquent bill in the pile, and pulling the ones that had the red, 'FINAL NOTICE' stamped on them to the top.  "Sure it is."

At this, her father stood, the chair scuffing the floor as it moved.  "Are you calling me a liar?"  His voice had taken a darker turn and raised in volume, making it known to her just how much he'd been drinking.

She dropped the pile of bills on the table.  "I don't know, Dad.  Are you lying?"  She pointed her finger to the almost empty bottle on the table.  "Because I don't remember this being anywhere in the house yesterday, and yet, it's almost empty."  

"How do you know what I have in the house?"

Because she constantly felt the need to look, to know whether the day would be a good day or bad day.  Because it helped her to visualize just how much of their money was slipping down his throat to help him cope.  Because it helped to explain why his moods were so varied.  But she didn't tell him any of this, knowing he would neither listen nor remember in the state he was in now.  Instead, she sneered at him, letting her frustrations out at him for ruining her day.  "You're not that good at hiding them."

He watched her fume, not responding until she'd retrieved him a glass of water, placing it within his reach.  Finally he sat, taking a swig of the water and discarding his glass with the poison in it.  She snatched it and dumped it before he had the chance to complain.  His face fell as he realized it though, his jaw dropping.  "Katie, why would you do that?  Do you know how expensive that is?"  His voice had a whiny tone that sent shivers down her spine.  

"Yeah Dad, it's not cheap."

"You shouldn't know that, you're not old enough to know that."

It was hard to brush off the irony of the situation.  Her father, the alcoholic, lecturing her about her supposed drinking habits.  "I hope your expensive scotch tasted great, Dad."  Because she'd seen the receipts.  She'd searched for them in the bags, and had taken back whatever she could that wasn't open, begging for the workers to give her the money back, and using the cash to pay down some of their bills.  "Besides, there's plenty here for you to drink if you want to."

"I don't know what you're talking about."  Her father couldn't even meet her eye as he lied, and he stared instead at his hands.

She could have dropped it.  She could have locked herself in her room and ignored the mess her father was becoming.  She could have retreated into her books, and she's almost positive that if she called up her newest friend, he'd let her stay with him in a heartbeat.  But Kate was never one to back down from a fight, even when her opponent was her father.  So instead, she started walking through the house.  From behind the television, she pulled two bottles of wine, her mother's favorite brand.  The corks were open, so she pulled them out with ease and dumped them down the sink.  In the cupboard, she found a bottle of scotch, two things of whiskey, and smaller nips tucked behind the bread, all of which joined the wine in the drain.  In her Dad's bedroom, she found smaller bottles mixed in with his dirty laundry.  Those she threw in a trash bag, along with all the empties she came across.  And from the bathroom closet under some towels, she found the six pack of beer, which she didn't even bother to open, letting the glass shatter in the sink as they joined their companions.  

Her father just watched, his jaw open wide as she darted around.  She found another four bottles in the couch, and let those bottles break like the beer bottles, the shattering sound bringing her a sick sense of joy.  When he realized his stash was gone, he bellowed, raising again from the table, his face turning red.  "What gives you the right?  This is my hard earned money Katie, which you just tossed down the drain!"

"I don't want to hear about your money!"  She bellowed back with the same ferocity.  He always told her she got her temper from her mother, but he was just as bad when he lost it.  "Dad, I'm slaving my life away at minimum wage to try and afford our apartment and all our bills because you won't pay!  You keep calling out of work, and I'm surprised you haven't been fired yet!  But the moment you do get fired is the moment we're screwed, because I can't do this alone!  I can't do this alone anymore!"  Hot tears streamed down her face.  But her father just stood there, staring at her, his eyes glassy, and she knew it wasn't worth it anymore.  So she left him there, retreating to her room, locking the door, and sinking into her bed, letting the tears take over until she fell asleep.

She awoke around three, her eyes still heavy from crying herself to sleep.  The apartment was quiet, which meant that her Dad was either asleep or hiding, nursing his wounds.  Wiping her eyes and adjusting her wrinkled clothing, she peeked out of her doorway and down the hallway.  She could hear the sound of glass clinking together, and against her better judgement, she followed the noise.  

Her Dad was in the kitchen, bent over the sink, pulling shards of broken glass out of the drain and dumping it in the trash.  Immediately, she felt guilty, and found her hands reaching for his shoulders.  “No, let me.”  

He wouldn’t budge as she tried to nudge him out of the way.  “No.  You’re right.”  He spoke, making tears spring back to life in the corners of her eyes.  He turned his head then, his blue-grey eyes meeting hers for the first time since their fight broke out, clear for the first time in months.  “I’m sorry, Katie.  I can never make this up to you.”  

She shook her head.  “Dad, that’s not true.”  At his quizzical expression, she continued.  “I already lost Mom.  I’m fighting like hell for you.”

He nodded once, his jaw set, his eyes determined.  “Whatever you need.”  

“I need you to get help.”  Before she could watch his expression change, she turned, heading for his work computer.  The clink of glass behind her indicated he’d returned to the cleanup of the sink.  She decided to pull up everything she could find about rehab centers.  On a yellow legal pad, the same ones her Mom used to keep in different places around the house, she started jotting down information as she read, including telephone numbers to call when the sun came up.  

After an hour, her Dad came up behind her, his head resting on her shoulder as she read about a facility in Massachusetts.  “It looks nice.”  His voice was a whisper, like he was afraid to anger her again.  

“It specializes in trauma, Dad.  Maybe that would be helpful?”

His answer was a kiss pressed to her forehead, lingering there for longer than he had in months.  “It looks great, Katie.  Circle the number, I’ll call when I wake up.”  She turned then to meet his eye, studying his face for signs of deception.  “I promise.”

Those two words had her throwing her arms around his shoulders, pulling him close and letting the tears fall freely down her face.  “I’ve missed you, Daddy.”  The name slipped out against her will, and seemed to shock him, but he just hugged her tighter, and gave her hope that soon, everything might go back to normal.

When she woke the next morning, she found him on the phone, talking about check-ins and policies.  She swears, her heart began to sing.  When he was done, she called out of work, ignoring Sarah’s angry remarks, explaining that it was a family issue that would hopefully be done and over with soon.  Then, they made stops all over the city.  First at the bank, to prepay the rent and take care of whatever bills could be taken care of.  Then to the grocery store to stock up on food for as long as possible.  And then back to the apartment to pack.

They left around two, Kate resolved to miss another class, making a mental note to ask her study group for the notes and talk to her professor.  It was a three and a half hour drive of awkwardness, neither knowing what to say to the other.  Kate told limited stories about Rick, letting him know that she had people looking out for her while he was gone.  He got a kick out of her terrible customer stories, laughing at the ridiculous things people pull and try to get away with.  And he told her some of the dumbest questions he’d heard lawyers ask a witness.  This and music got them to their destination, a large log cabin in Massachusetts.  Kate helped him check in, saw that he was acclimated, and hugged him goodbye.  He pressed a kiss to her cheek and promised to give it his all, and she swore she could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The drive back was awful.  She would have taken awkward conversation over deafening silence anytime.  The ride back was when all the anxiety hit her.  What would happen if he checked out, or got kicked out.  She wondered if she would need to cut ties if something like that happened.  The thought was distressing.  It was too much to lose in a year, and she didn’t want to consider it.

The light on the answering machine was blinking when she returned home, and her heart fell as she realized who it was before pressing the button.   _Um, hi.  We waited outside the hall you have class in for almost an hour before making our way to your apartment.  The doorman told us you had left earlier and hadn’t come back.  I don’t know what happened, but I have a very upset little girl who wants to give you back the sweatshirt you let her borrow yesterday.  Please call me, Kate.  I’m worried._  There were two others just like it.

Kate felt her breathing increase at the mention of Alexis.  The poor girl had practically been abandoned by her own mother, and Kate didn’t want to ever give her the impression that she wasn’t wanted.  She dialed the number with trembling fingers, sinking into the couch until he answered.

“Kate?”

“I’m sorry!”  She blurted, her head falling onto the back of the couch.  “I can explain, I didn’t mean to stand you up.”

“I was worried.  Are you okay?”

She sighed.  “I’m fine.  It was Dad.”

She could hear his gasp on the other end.  “Please don’t tell me he was in an accident or anything.  Is he okay?”

“He’s okay now.  Basically, we had a huge fight last night, probably woke the neighbors, and I was a wreck.  But he agreed to get help.  I just dropped him off at a facility in Mass.”

“Kate, that’s great!”

She let out a breath at his enthusiasm, the corners of her mouth turning upward as they talked.  “It could be.  I’m keeping my hopes up.”  She sighed, her stomach sinking at her next thought.  “Maybe you and I should slow things down for a bit.”

When he didn’t respond right away, she worried that she’d done something wrong.  When he answered with a small, ‘okay,’ the floodgates opened.

“It’s just, I really care about you.  You have been the sole thing in my life that’s brought me any joy.  Bu I know you want more, and I want more, but right now just isn’t the right time.  I can’t give you or Alexis the time that you deserve, as evidenced by my flake today, and I don’t want to hurt that little girl more than she already has been, and I don’t want to hurt you either.  And I worry that I’m pushing the bad stuff to the side to be happy for you, or get to where we both want to be faster, but I know that will only hurt me in the long run.  I just don’t want to screw this up.”

“I get it, its okay.”  His voice was flat, with just a hint of sadness, but was reassuring either way.  “We can visit the store a bit less, and I’ll let you set the meeting times.  I’m following your lead here.”

She let out a sigh of relief.  “Thank you.  Can you apologize to Alexis for me?”

“Of course.  I should let you get some sleep anyway.”  

“Thanks.  Goodnight, Rick.”

He told her goodnight, and she waited for the click before hanging up the phone.  She hung up the phone on her way to her bedroom, where she sunk into her bed, falling into a deep sleep, dreaming of a father who returned, better than ever.  

She was able to sit in on another section of the class she’d missed the next day before her closing shift at The Play Room.  After explaining the situation to her professor, she turned in her paper, raced to the subway.  

It didn’t matter that she arrived a half-hour early to her shift, Sarah still shot her daggers as she made her way toward the back of the store.  Maybe she’d explain everything, just to get the unpleasant woman off her case.  Or maybe she’d leave it be, since it was none of her business.  

Walking down the aisle, her eyes were drawn to the second shelf from the top, where her favorite dinosaur waited, facing the back shelf.  She wasn’t on the clock, and despite the invisible daggers Sarah shot her, she didn’t need to rush to the front of the store.  Her fingers circled the play button, hesitating.  It couldn’t be bad if he was using the dinosaur, right?  Her thumb finally depressed it, tired of the waiting game.  His voice was warm, even when disguised by an artificial changer in a children’s toy, and it made her smile all the same.   ** _I’ll still be here, when you’re ready._**  

This was why he was perfect.  He was following her cues, listening to what she needed.  But even without seeing her, he could make her day.  She wanted nothing more than to try and do the same, for him and his daughter.  She pressed record, bringing her face close to the tiny tyrannosaurus’ head.  “Not yet, but soon.  I promise.”  


	30. Go Back To Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this for the first day of Castle Camp Nano, and I'm going to try to continue some of these over the next month! Also, since I have to work later, I literally wrote this in three hours, so all mistakes are mine... Happy Birthday Richard Castle!

It was the patter of little feet that woke her, a flurry of activity early that morning.  She felt her husband's grip tighten around her, and heard his sharp intake of breath as he pressed a kiss to her head and began to roll away from her.  But she surprised him, by rolling with him, reaching her arms out and tugging him back.  He chuckled, sinking back into their bed, his sleepy groan unable to mask the grin on his face.  Kate used her fingers to get the hair out of her eyes before leaning forward, her mouth at his ear.  "Go back to sleep."

His eyebrows raised, blue eyes meeting hers with confusion.  "Kids are up.  S'my turn to cook."  He stretched as he spoke, a hand already poised on their mattress to push himself up.

Her hand on his chest stopped all of that.  "Not today."  She dipped her head to his, letting their lips meet for the first time that morning, fully taking advantage of his early morning grogginess.  When she pulled away, she fixed her eyes on his, offering a mischievous smile.  "Now, go back to sleep.  I've got breakfast handled."  

She wanted to chuckle as he shrugged, closing his eyes and turning back over, finding no reason to make her ask him again.  And when he had settled, eyes closed and breathing slowed, Kate stepped out of bed, throwing her robe around her shoulders and joining the activity outside.

Oliver was already pulling ingredients from the cabinets, his hazel eyes concentrating on the recipe as he mentally checked off the thing's he'd grabbed.  Elizabeth was pulling every mixing bowl they owned from the cabinets below, arranging them around her like a minefield.  "What's going on out here?"  Kate asked, watching them startle, then flash their father's grin at her.

"Getting a head start."  Oliver explained, holding up the waffle recipe and wiggling his eyebrows.

"I'm helping!"  Beth explained from the floor, toothy grin and all.  

Kate stepped over the bowls with care, wrapping her robe around her waist as she leaned down to pick up the unnecessary ones.  "Is your sister awake yet?"

Beth shook her head, brown ringlets bouncing as she took a wooden spoon and stirred the air in a big red bowl.  "No, Mumma.  Char was snoring."

Kate took a moment while she was bent over to press a kiss to Beth's head, and when she stood to embrace Oliver, smoothing his hair down and pressing a kiss right into the part.  "Well, thank you for starting Daddy's birthday breakfast."  Over her son's head, she pulled down the bag of chocolate chips that were too high for him to reach, setting them on the counter with the rest of the ingredients.  "How about, you start measuring things, Elizabeth can mix them, and when I come back downstairs with Char, we can start cooking?"

The grin that lit up her son's face also lit up their kitchen, the boy reaching for spoons and measuring cups like he'd been doing this for years.  "Got it.  Everything is under control."

At that, she had to stifle her laughter.  She grabbed a step stool for Beth to stand on while she watched her brother, giving the girl a rubber spatula to start mixing things.  Kate stood at the bottom of the stairs for a moment, giggling at her daughter, whose bright blue eyes watched her brother cook with wide-eyed fascination.  "Hey Ol?"  He looked up from the measuring glass, her own hazel eyes mirrored back at her from his face, his brows furrowed in confusion.  "Whatever the recipe says about chocolate chips?  Double it."

His grin only widened, the bag of chocolate chips becoming the next thing his fingers grasped.  "Got it!"

Upstairs, their two-year-old was still snoring away, her little hand curled into a fist near her head.  And even though Kate hated waking her, if they waited much longer, there wouldn't be a lot of time to celebrate before they had to take the older kids to school.  So, Kate reached her hand into the crib, rubbing soothing circles into the toddler's back, trying to wake her without shocking her.  

After a few minutes, the girl woke with a sigh, blue-green eyes opening to stare at her mother.  "Good morning, chipmunk!  Want to help Ollipop and Beth make waffles?"

This made her grin, her eyes still heavy as she woke.  "Yeah."

"Can Mumma change your stink first?"

Charlotte took a minute to consider this, her eyes searching the room as she sat up.  But eventually she lifted her arms, letting Kate pick her up and carry her to the change table.  As Kate changed her, she started chittering away about their trip to the beach.  It was her favorite thing to talk about, even though it had been winter, and all they could do was walk along the sand and pick out shells.  But she was always excited by the idea of going back to their 'beach house" to see the ocean.

They made their way downstairs, the toddler squirming in Kate's arms to be let down, more than ready to play with her siblings.  Beth abandoned her post, the mixing done anyway, to run into the living room with Charlotte, yelling something about making cards.  Oliver was waiting patiently at the island, the waffle maker box still unopened, his little body trying so hard to appear calm despite the excitement thrumming through his limbs.  Kate took the waffle maker out of the box, grabbed a sponge, and wiped down the new plates.  A smile stretched across her face as the sponge went over the big letter "A", pleased with herself for finding it.  On the plastic covering, someone had painted the Hulk and Iron Man, each posing on opposite sides.  Sure, it had been an impulse buy, but for her nerdy husband, how could she pass it up?

Oliver started to bounce on the balls of his feet as she plugged it in, his body right next to her as she turned it on.  So Kate kneeled down to address him at his level.  "Listen Ol, this is extremely hot, so I need you to pay attention.  You can pour the batter in it as long as I'm watching you.  I will take the cooked waffles off of the hot iron when they are finished.  Understand?"

He nodded, his solemn eyes conflicting with the bounce of excitement.  "Yes, Mom."  

Kate pressed another kiss to his forehead before rising to pull coffee mugs from the cabinet.  He wasn't the child she had to worry about.  When she asked him to do something, he did it, much like his older sister.  Elizabeth pressed buttons, to figure out how to drive people crazy.  And Charlotte pushed boundaries, learning even at a young age what she could and couldn't get away with.  And then, she tested that boundary.  She would take ten more Olivers any day of the week.

When the iron beeped, signifying that it was ready, he scooped a hefty amount of batter into the mold and closed the lid.  As the excess batter dripped through the cracks, his jaw dropped, and he started to back away.  "It's making a mess!  Sorry Mom!"

She stopped him as he ran for the paper towels, pulling him close and tickling under his armpits.  "That's normal, silly boy!"  He giggled and squirmed away, holding the spatula out to her so she could get ready to peel the waffles from the iron.

"Call me when you need to pour more batter?  I want to make a card."

She grinned.  "Of course!  Go color a card"  With that, the boy disappeared, reappearing only when he heard the beep of the waffle iron, his hands already wrapped around the little black batter scoop.

With Oliver's help cooking, Elizabeth's help arranging the tray, and Charlotte's lovely pictures, she finished breakfast right on time.  Oliver wanted to carry the tray, and moved at a snail’s pace from the kitchen to the bedroom.  Kate carried Charlotte to make sure she didn't get in the way, while Beth made sure all the doors were open.

When they got into the bedroom, Elizabeth rushed to the bed, using the bottom of the nightstand to help her climb.  "Be gentle!"  Kate whispered, cringing as she pictured the four-year-old jumping on her Daddy's stomach.  But instead, Beth rested her head next to his, her hand covering her mouth like she was telling him a secret.  "Daddy.  Wake up.  It's your birthday!"  The girl spoke softly, the same way Kate spoke to her when she needed to wake the girl up for school.  Kate saw the corner of Castle's lips twitch, as he kept up the facade.  But when Beth reached her hand over to tap his nose, his eyes opened, the smile growing wider.  "Hey, sweet pea."

Her grin mirrored his, her eyes lighting up as he spoke.  "Hi Daddy!  Look, we made waffles!"  

"You did?"  He sat up then, accepting the wiggling toddler who was reaching for him while Kate used her newly freed hands to take the tray from Oliver, who wanted in on the 'attack the birthday boy' action.  Kate set the tray on the nightstand and sat on his side of the bed by his knees.  She leaned in to kiss him again, keeping it quick because of all the little eyes around them, their foreheads touching as he grinned at her.  "Happy birthday."

"This is quite the special treatment."  

She couldn't resist.  "Well, it's not every day you become an even older man."

His scoff made her laugh, Oliver giggling as he settled into Kate's pillows.  "Mrs. Castle, you wound me."

"Oh calm down, Mr. Beckett.  It's nothing you haven't said yourself."

His answering grunt made her laugh, and he reached for his breakfast, pulling the plate of waffles closer.  When he registered the symbol, his face lit up like a child's, the wrinkles on his forehead washing away.  "Are these Avengers waffles?"  He bounced as she laughed, checking all three on his plate to see if the symbol was on all of them.  The childish look on his face as he realized they were all the same had her shaking her head.  

"Maybe not so old."  

"Told you."  He responded, sticking out his tongue.  He definitely wasn't that much of an old man.  Age is really just a number anyway.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did something last year for Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and I want to do it again this year. No, I won't be counting it in my total word count, but it is April, so I plan on doing it again. Sorry if it seems excessive!
> 
> April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives. I'm going to post this same update on all of my stories throughout the month of April because of the awareness, so I'm sorry if it bothers you.


	31. Take a Deep Breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set in my Relinquishing Hope verse! Enjoy!

“Mom, look!”  Caleb cried out, thrusting a menu in her direction.  “They have smiley face sundaes here!”

The grin that stretched across her face was automatic, her son’s enthusiasm infectious.  “I know, that’s why Dad chose this restaurant.”  She turned a few pages, finding the children’s menu things.  “You need to eat real food before we have dessert though.”

Her son deflated, sitting back in his seat.  “I know.  I’m just looking ahead.”

Kate reached a hand out to stroke the side of his face, her eyes wide as she smiled at him, trying to bring him back.  “I’m not saying you can’t have the smiley face sundae, I’m just asking you to try and eat some real food first.”

At this, Caleb softened, his body relaxing.  "I know.  Sorry."

"Don't be.  It's not your fault."  Even almost six months after the adoption, their son was overly sensitive to perceived harshness.  If it seemed like either of his parents were yelling, or if he thought he was about to start an argument, he shut down.  Kate was the one who could bring him back to the present the fastest, something Castle watched her do now with awe on his face.

Kate watched Castle lean over, pointing at different items and discussing things with their picky eater.  So she focused her attention on her daughter, who was building a tower out of the mini butters that came with the rolls.  "Mama hold?"  She asked, pointing to the third butter from the bottom.  Only half of that butter was on the one below it, so it made the tower wobble as she tried to add more on top.

"Here, let me try to fix it."  As she adjusted the lopsided brick, the rest of the tower fell, making Josie squeal and kick her feet in the high chair.

"Mama broke it!"  She laughed, dark eyes shining as she spoke to her family.

"Good thing Mom isn't an architect, I guess."  The retort from her husband made her chuckle, and her son's smile return to his face.

"I'd like you to see you do better, Dad."

"Hello, my name is Tracy, I'll be serving you tonight."  The waitress cut off his response before he'd managed to get a word out, his mouth hanging open in anticipation.  "Can I start you off with some drinks?"

"I'll start with an iced tea, unsweetened please, and do you have apple juice for her?"  Kate's eyes traveled from the waitress to Josie, who was adding sugar packets to her building.

The waitress nodded and wrote it down, her eyes travelling to the other side of the table where the boys sat.  "I'll have a root beer, please."  Castle decided, his hand falling to Caleb's back.  "Do you know what you want, champ?"

"Maybe?  Can I have a smoothie?"  His body thrummed with excitement as he looked between his parents, his eyebrows raised with hope.

It made Kate laugh, so she answered, "yes," without thinking, watching his little fist pump in the air as he ordered the strawberry banana smoothie.  "But, you have to have something normal afterward.  No refills on the smoothie, okay?"

He nodded.  "Got it!  Thanks, Mom!"

Tracy seemed thrown off by this, her eyes flickering between Caleb and Kate, her brows furrowed.  "Mom?"  And with that one word, Kate felt the energy at their table change.  Caleb sunk backwards into his seat, Kate clenched her jaw, and Castle watched her, ready to reel her in if she pounced.  "Oh, did you adopt?"

"I don't think it matters, but yes."  Kate cut off her husband with her curt response, her smile forced as her hand covered Josie's, like it would protect her from the ignorant questions they got asked.

Tracy backed away, seemingly put off by Kate's reaction.  "Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude.  I just think it's really admirable."  Kate relaxed at the young girl's words, nodding once and returning to the menu, assuming that the waitress would move away.  Instead, she continued.  "I mean, unless you did it just because you can't have your own kids.  Then I'm sorry, but I still think it's admirable."

Kate took a breath, steadying herself.  She moved Josie's seat, picking up the girl and depositing her on her hip.  Turning to face her husband, she ignored the woman and met his concerned blue eyes.  "I'm not feeling hungry right now.  I think we should go home."

Caleb's mouth fell, his eyes wide as she spoke.  "But I'm hungry!  And I wanted a sundae!"

"I know, but I just can't do it."  She hoped he would see the apology in her eyes, her reluctance to do this to him, but she didn't feel like sitting around and discussing her reproductive health with yet another stranger.

Castle was the one who pulled him from the booth, helping him with his sweatshirt, and talking calmly.  "We can make sundaes at home.  Sorry, bud."

Kate left without checking to see if they were following her, her mind telling her so many things at once.  It wasn't until she was halfway down the block, when she felt a soothing hand on her shoulder that her mind quieted.  "Do you want to talk about it?"

She turned to find her son and husband, Castle's hand tight around the boy's hand, Caleb concerned and upset, both faces flushed with the effort of catching up to her.  "Not here.  At home.”  With this answer, her understanding husband only nodded, pressing a kiss to her forehead and lacing his fingers with hers.  Kate offered Caleb a sympathetic smile, relief flooding her veins when he grinned back.  "Do we have stuff at home for sundaes?"

“We just need ice cream.”

She threw her head back, letting the lightness of the movement cheer her up, relishing in the accompanying squeal of her daughter in her arms.  "You would know that."

They walked up the road towards home, stopping in a convenience store and picking out three different types of ice cream and extra whip cream, just in case.  The clerk didn't judge them, or ask intrusive questions like the rest of society.  No, the clerk bagged their junk food and told them to have a wonderful night.  It wasn't really that hard to treat them like normal people.

Once home, Kate sent Caleb into the kitchen to get bowls ready while she kicked off her shoes and helped Josie out of her sweatshirt.  Caleb's head popped up from behind the island, his eyebrows furrowed as he stretched out four bowls.  "Are we gonna eat dinner first?"

From across the room, Kate met her husband's eye, offering him a mischievous grin that made his eyes light up like their son's.  "Life's short.  Ice cream for dinner tonight."

Caleb whooped at her response, jumping in the air and dancing around the counter.  "This isn't real!  It can't be real!"

"Oh, it's real, Bud," her husband answered, "just don't get used to it.  Today is a special occasion."

"What happened?"

Kate chuckled.  "I kept my cool, now I'm feeling generous."  She met them at the island, holding her hand out for the ice cream scoop, which Castle handed her with a smile.  The cover came off the cookies and cream box, and Kate sunk the scoop deep into the creamy goodness, her smile wider than it had been that night.  "Okay, orders up!"

* * *

 

The kids crashed before she got to read them their story, Caleb on the couch, Josie curled up in her Mommy's arms.  They had to carry the kids upstairs, tucking them into bed in the same clothes they'd worn all day.  After pressing kisses to their cheeks, and turning on their night-lights, they made their way back downstairs.  Kate sunk into the couch while Castle poured them each a glass of wine, her eyes closed as her mind began to speed up.  They only opened when he sat next to her, resting the glass of wine on her knee.  "Do you want to talk now?"

She grasped the wine glass, taking a sip while she figured out where to start.  "Do you remember when you posted that first family picture on Twitter?  How we spent hours arguing over which one was the best one to announce to your fans that our family had grown?"  He'd been slow about approaching it with her, considering she was more private about her life on social media.  But he was excited, and so was she, and it had finally sunk in that they were a family, so the idea had seemed so appealing.

Castle grimaced, his hand reaching out to find hers, his thumb rubbing soothing circles just below her knuckles.  "That idea backfired in more ways than I could have imagined."  The comments had been brutal.  Some people asked if they couldn't find any kids their own race to adopt, going right for the one subject she thought would be off limits.  Some people asked when they would go on to have 'their own kids,' as if adopting Josie and Caleb made them any less their own kids.  One user had even gone as far to say that they couldn't love a kid if they weren't their own, and praised them for their courage because, 'you never know what you're going to get.'

"Yes, it did.  The questions were brutal, but I just figured it was crazy people online.  I didn't know they would ask the same things in real life!"  Her mind went over far more examples in her head, picking the ones that had shocked her most.  "The woman in the grocery store who asked me right in front of Caleb, 'what's wrong with them if their parents don't want them' was probably the worst.  Or the man who went on and on about us saving their lives, or saving them from a probable life of crime was great too.  Or the woman who told me that they would just go running back to their birth family was just the icing on the cake.  And let's not talk about the amount of times I hear people use the word, 'real.'  'Have you met their _real_ mother?'  'Did their _real_ mother desert/abuse/neglect them?'  'Do they still have contact with their _real_ family?'  As if me kissing their boo-boos, and helping with their homework, or sitting by Caleb’s bed at the hospital when he had his appendix out doesn’t qualify me to be their _real_ mother.  And I know, it's worse because they don't look a thing like us, but do the ignorant comments have to follow us to the real world?  How many people have to ask me about my reproductive health before word spreads around in this city, because I think I've had the awkward conversation about it with at least ten people!  And..."

"Kate!"  His voice made her stop rambling, and she noticed that she was now squeezing his hand like a vice as she worked herself up, six months of frustrations falling from her mouth like a break in the floodgates.  "Take a deep breath."  She followed his instruction, loosening her grip and looking into his bright blue eyes.  "I hate those questions too."

"Can I ask you one?"  He nodded, and she bit the inside of her cheek, trying to figure out how to word it.  "Is your love for them any different than it was for Alexis?"

He didn't need to take a moment to consider it.  "No, not really."

"Not really?"  Her eyebrow raised as she took another sip of wine.  

"It started differently, that's all.  I was there from the beginning with Alexis.  When she was born, it was one of the happiest days of my life.  And we had an instant connection.  I knew that I would protect her from whatever bad things came her way.  And I couldn't wait to see what kind of person she would become."  His eyes had a faraway look, and she wished more than anything that she could have known him back then, before he became the playboy persona that he played so well, that annoyed her to pieces.  "With Caleb and Josie, and even Hope to an extent, the connection took longer to build.  It took a lot of care, respect, and love.  But once that connection was there, it felt unbreakable."  His face lit up as he spoke, and her mind drifted to the day Caleb started opening up to her, how he couldn't seem to stop talking to her once he'd started.  Or the first time Josie had kissed her back at bedtime, the small milestone enough to help her know she was moving in the right direction.  "Kate, I'm just as excited to see who these kids will turn out to be as I was with Alexis.  I plan on protecting them from any bad thing that comes their way, this time with support from their scary policewoman Mama.  I love them as much as I love Alexis, and I find it admirable that you love them so much, that you will leave a restaurant when a waitress is asking ridiculous questions."

She snuggled into him then, depositing the wine on the end table and closing her eyes.  "We should start coming up with more interesting responses."

His chuckle made her head shake, her smile returning.  "We can work on that."  He pressed a kiss to her hair, making her melt just a little more into the curves of his body.  "Just tell me what you get asked most often, and we'll go from there."

They talked for hours about the questions that drove them the most nuts, and even came up with a few good comebacks.  Just getting it all off her chest seemed to be just what she needed.

* * *

 

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives. I'm going to post this same update on all of my stories throughout the month of April because of the awareness, so I'm sorry if it bothers you.


	32. I Brought You an Umbrella

There were a few things about crime scenes in the rain that she hated.  For one, they could be harder to solve.  Rain tended to wash away DNA and other trace evidence that helped them solve crimes.  Then there was just the general sogginess of it all.  She felt wet all day after, her clothing clinging to her and her toes cold as the rain infiltrated her boots.  And then there was Castle, who always needed to share her umbrella.  It was like he was incapable of planning ahead, always grinning at her sheepishly as they stepped out of the car, his “I forgot to pack it” was now something that went unsaid.

She didn't mind sharing her umbrella in most circumstances.  But Castle made things tough.  For one, he hated getting even a tiny bit wet.  So he huddled closer to her than necessary, his chest flush against her back and his arms wrapped around her shoulders, holding the umbrella for both of them.  She couldn't crouch without almost knocking him over, and it meant that every moment they spent at that crime scene was spent pretending to be Siamese twins.

So during the latest string of thunderstorms, after their second rainy crime scene in a week, she decided to stop at the first department store she saw on her trip home.  They had most of their rain gear on display at the front of the store, umbrellas and ponchos stacked on a four-way near the rest of the smaller accessories.  She didn’t have to look long though, finding what she wanted for him on the side with the kids’ gear, the bright colors quickly drawing her eye.  For a moment, she stopped, wondering if he might be offended, but the idea of seeing him at a crime scene with it was making her laugh to herself, and she ultimately decided that he would find it funny too.

When a body dropped early the next morning, she knew that the time to find out was now.  So she waited, his special gift wrapped in a black bag that didn’t leave her side as she ducked under the tent that CSU had set up over the body.  Lanie noticed the bag almost immediately, her eyes traveling from Kate’s hand, up to her eyes, and back down to her hand, her lips pursed in anticipation.  “I bought Castle something for the rain.  He should be here soon.”  Lanie bit her lip and raised her eyebrows, a smirk on her face as she looked over the body.  “I’m just tired of sharing my umbrella.”  Kate continued, the need to defend herself more desperate than it should have been.

“What’s wrong with him sharing your umbrella?”

“Have you seen it?  We’re huddled too close together, and he keeps his arms around me in an attempt to hold it over us in just the _perfect_ spot.”  Her hand tightened around the bag as she spoke, and she looked around to make sure he hadn’t arrived out of nowhere.

“I asked you what was wrong with it.  You just told me what he does when you share.  I already knew all that.”

Kate found herself laughing at her friend’s ridiculous question.  “How would you like to do your job with me hanging off you like a baby monkey?”

Her friend laughed, writing a few things down on her clipboard before turning and looking up.  “I get that.  I wouldn't want you hanging all over me.  But if a guy as good looking as writer boy wanted to, I don't think I'd complain too loud.”

As if on cue, Kate felt large arms wrap around her and push her slightly closer to the body, creating more room for him under the small tent CSU had set up.  "What's happening here?"

"Nice of you to join us, Castle."  Lanie shot Kate a knowing look as she stood, the clipboard at her side.  "It looks like the same caliber as your other victim.  There's something under his fingernails, which could be trace DNA or could be from the mud his hands have been in for the last eight hours.  We'll test it anyway and see what we find.  But my gut says, these cases are related."

The detective nodded, her hand tightening around the bag in her hand.  "Thank you, Lanie."  Turning to Castle, she felt her heart rate quicken as she imagined his reaction to her gift for him.  "I'll have the boys pull financials and set up a canvas.  We'll go interview his family, find out if anyone had a grudge against the victim."

"Got it."  With that, he reached out a hand and started to turn her, pressing himself to her back.  "I forgot my umbrella again."  He explained, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.

"You know, I thought you might do something like that."  Her voice held a hint of laughter as she held up the black bag, turning so she could meet his eye.  "I brought you an umbrella.  Your own, special umbrella."

His blue eyes lit up at the gift, and he pulled the bright yellow umbrella from its bag and plastic packaging with care.  "Beckett!  Thank you!"  Stepping out from under the tent, he tested it, opening it and spinning it.  The orange beak coming off of it like the brim of a baseball hat didn't faze him at first, in fact, he didn't notice it until he saw his shadow on the ground in front of him.  But when he turned it toward him, his grin grew wider, and he turned to face his partner who was laughing as she watched the whole prank unfurl.  "I love ducks!  Who told you?"

"Nobody," she assured, "I just thought that the color was bright enough to find easily in my car, and if you happen to bring it home, you'll see it right away at the door and remember to bring it back with you."

He twirled it one more time, giggling like a kid at Christmas as they made their way to her car.  "It's perfect.  Thank you."  

The bright color worked for him, the umbrella easy to find in the backseat of her car.  And he never forgot it at home again.  He told her it hung on the same hook as his jacket, and he always saw it as he left, whether it was raining or not.  Sure, some officers laughed when they showed up at crime scenes with the children’s accessory in tow, but he payed them no mind, bringing a bright spot to their grizzly jobs, and soon the umbrella became just as commonplace as he was.

When the transmission in her car gave out, the NYPD offered her a loaner to use until her regular car was fixed.  She only had a few minutes before her shift started to go through her car and gather the things she might need over the next few days.  Of course, the bright yellow umbrella was the first thing she grabbed, along with her extra emergency overnight bag and the ketchup packets she hordes in the glove compartment.  As she switched everything over, she got the call about the body drop.  Battery Park, small caliber bullet, body concealed in the bushes.  She dialed Castle’s number as she drove, hissing as the car came to a stop faster than she was used to.  “That didn’t sound good.”  His voice on the other end made her laugh as she got her bearings.

“This car is touchy.  I can’t wait to get mine back.”  The clap of thunder that came out of nowhere made her jump, the rain falling in sheets around her.  “Listen, we have a body in Battery Park.  I have your umbrella with me, and I have to drive past your place.  Do you want a ride?”

“If it’s not too much trouble.  Just text me when you get there.”

She could hear a door close, and she wondered if he was already waiting, eager to work after a slow week.  “Will do.  See you in a bit.”

He seemed to appear as soon as she hit send, his jacket pulled over his head as he ran to the car.  He fumbled with the door for a few moments before climbing in, his nice jacket and shirt soaked around the shoulders, his hair still somehow perfect despite the jacket resting on it moments earlier.  “I’m getting tired of all this rain.  My Mother has left the house twice in the last five days.  Twice, Beckett!”

She smirked.  “That must be terrible for you.”

“Oh, it is.”  He chuckled, “Have you ever seen my mother stir crazy?  It’s nothing but show tunes, and trying to give Alexis vocal lessons that she doesn’t want, and reruns of all her old shows and movies.  I need to escape for a bit.”

Kate grinned, reminded of rainy days with her Mom, and Temptation Lane marathons that seemed to last forever.  “It seems kind of fun.”

He shrugged, wringing out the sleeve of his jacket.  “It is, at first.  I just need some time to myself.”

“Time to yourself?”  She raised her eyebrows.  “With me, a dead body, and a precinct full of cops?”

“See!  You get me!”  Her nose wrinkled as she tried not to laugh, but the smile stretched across her face anyway, without her control, and she let it linger, hoping it might brighten up the bleak day.  

They continued their small talk until they reached the crime scene, the flash of her badge getting her past the security checkpoint and to the lot where the cars were parked.  Castle twisted in the seat next to her, finding his umbrella with ease and stepping out of the car.  After fixing her bangs in the rearview mirror, her left hand found the panel in her door and searched around the pocket, her fingers closing around empty air instead of her black umbrella that was supposed to be there.  She cursed under her breath, her head falling back on the headrest.  

A knock on her window startled her, and she opened her eyes to find her partner staring back at her, his umbrella creating an illusion of sun behind him.  “Did you forget something in your car?”  He called, and she nodded.  He grinned.  “You can share mine.”

So that was how she found herself for the first time in weeks, her partner behind her, his elbows on her shoulders so he could hold the umbrella in the perfect spot between them, his voice coaching her on which feet to use so they wouldn't step all over each other, under the brightest, most unprofessional umbrella she’d been able to find.  She wanted to be annoyed, to get the initial examination over with so she could be done with all of this.  But the image in her head of how ridiculous they must look, coupled with the looks from the boys and Lanie, made her laugh too hard to be angry.  

Maybe fate was sending a message.  Maybe they just weren’t meant to have separate umbrellas.  She’d just have to teach him how to share one a little better.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives. I'm going to post this same update on all of my stories throughout the month of April because of the awareness, so I'm sorry if it bothers you.


	33. Wow

“Have you always been flexible?”  The question was out of his mouth before he could filter it, his girlfriend’s mouth dropping as she turned to face him, laughter reflecting in her gorgeous hazel eyes.

"Well good morning to you too."  She teased, crossing her arms and leaning against the island.  "Dare I ask what has you thinking about my flexibility this morning?"

"Yoga."  His answer came quick, her eyebrow raising upward, begging for more explanation.  "You told me once you do yoga, and I know you sneak off in the mornings to do it when you've had trouble sleeping."  Her arms dropped, fingers adjusting her polka-dot shorts, her eyes cast downward.  "Don't worry, I'm not offended."  He watched her smirk, her eyes finding his again.  That had to be what she was up to this morning, slipping out of bed before dawn but still dressed in pajamas.  It's not like she could go far in that outfit, even with the more relaxed attitude in the Hamptons.  He'd just assumed that she had trouble sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, considering she was always the first one awake when she spent the night at his place.  "But it had me wondering if you were always that flexible, or if the yoga helped."

She shrugged, moving to find coffee cups in his cupboards, pulling down the beans and the coffee pot as she saw them.  "I did gymnastics when I was really little.  I was pretty good at it too."  A smile danced on the corners of her lips as she remembered, wisps of hair falling from her bun, giving her features that added bit of softness that made her light up the room.  She turned to him suddenly, her hand on his shoulder as she remembered, the coffee pot the last thing on her mind.  "Remind me to show you the medals the next time we have dinner at my Dad's."

"Noted."

Her attention diverted back toward the coffee, and he gave her the moment to figure out what she wanted to say next.  "I loved it.  It made me strong from a young age.  I was the only kid I knew with biceps.  I loved putting the boys at my lunch tables to shame.  If only you could have seen their faces, Castle."  She chuckled, the sound beautiful early in the morning, her tongue caught between her teeth as she smiled.

He leaned sideways against the counter so he could see her expressions better.  "Why did you stop?"

To this, she only shrugged.  "I hit my growth spurt.  I had trouble keeping up, and my coach had a lot of people under her watch.  She couldn't coach me on how to be the best tall gymnast, and I got frustrated.  So in middle school, I switched to track."

Despite the fact that her tone hadn't changed, he still saw the clench of her jaw, the smile in her eyes diminishing just a bit.  "I'm sorry."  He offered, his hand snaking to the small of her back.

"I liked track too, don't get me wrong, but I missed my friends.  I missed the challenges, the aerials, and the smell of the chalk all over my hands.  I missed sleepovers with my friends, seeing who could hold a handstand against the wall for the longest."

"You could do a handstand?"

She laughed, turning to face him.  "I still can."

"No way!"  She only laughed in response, her arms crossing over her chest.  "Prove it!"

"What, you don't believe me?"

It was his turn to laugh, backing toward the living room.  "Of course I believe you, I've just never seen someone do it before."

Kate yawned, stretching her arms above her head.  "Can we at least have coffee before I'm forced to perform?"

He left her this time, finding a piece of wall that had no pictures or anything hanging, and pulling the pictures off of the small bookcase in the way.  His girlfriend watched him from the doorway, her eyebrows raised, but her lips pulled into a smile.  “You really want to see this, huh?”

He nodded, his hands resting on either side of the bookcase.  “Can you help me with this?”

“Oh, I see!”  The laughter in her voice was evident, and she continued to stand in the doorway, her arms crossed as she watched him with mirth.  “I have to do manual labor, and _then_ I have to do a handstand, all before I’ve even had a sip of my coffee.”

“Beckett, if you help me move this, and do the handstand, I’ll bring you coffee in bed for the next two weeks.”  She rolled her eyes, dropping her arms and forcing herself over to the bookcase.  Between the two of them, they managed to not knock any books over, and pulled it over just enough so that Kate would have the room that she needed.  She kneeled down, fixing her bun before bending over, her head at the baseboard, hands shoulder width apart.  He didn’t expect her to kick her legs up so quickly, using her tight abs to pull them upward, her heels hitting the wall with a thud.  She then pushed herself up, so her hands were supporting her weight.  His jaw almost hit the floor, and he kneeled down, turning his head to see her face.  She wasn’t even breaking a sweat.  “This is so cool.”

She laughed, the breath out sounding somewhat forced with her exertion.  “I used to be able to do it without the wall.”

“So cool.  Teach me?”

“We can try.  As long as you’re ready to really work on your core and upper body strength.”  But he wasn’t listening.  Instead, he was laying on his back, adjusting himself so that he was situated underneath her.  He swallowed her protests with his mouth, his hand coming up to wrap in her tank top, helping to hold her up as her legs shifted, her mind no longer focused on keeping herself up, and instead focused on the taste of his lips against hers.  He smiled into the kiss at the moan she let out in the back of her throat, her arms wavering on either side of his head.  It didn’t take long for them to give out, his hand in her shirt and the wall the only things supporting her weight.  He raised his other hand to catch her at her torso, helping to lower her gently on top of him, refusing to let them separate for longer than a few moments.  When she was down, her hips now straddling his, they broke apart, her smile brightening the room.  She leaned down, letting her forehead touch his.  She breathed one word into the space between their lips.  “Wow.”

He chuckled, stealing another peck before speaking.  “You’re telling me.”

She shook her head, letting it fall to his shoulder as she shifted next to him.  “I thought I was having a head rush just from being upside down.  But then you kissed me, and…”  She trailed off, her eyes glassy and limbs limber, “just, wow.”

“I kind of thought it would be like Spiderman and Mary Jane.”

She became more pliant as she chuckled, covering her eyes with her hands before tucking her head back into the crook of his shoulder.  “You would think that.”  Her eyes blinked open, one hazel orb peeking up at him.  “Do you still want to learn?  So you can be Spiderman?”

He grinned, his chest expanding with happiness.  “If it reduces me to a puddle like you, then yes, I’d like that.”

She took a moment, gathering her strength before pushing herself up, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before padding away to the kitchen, the coffee still calling her name.  “We’ll start your training later, babe, I promise.”  On the floor, he kicked his feet as the excitement washed over him.  He couldn’t wait to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives.


	34. I'll Help you Study

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after my story, New Mountains to Climb. Enjoy!

It was like they had superpowers.  The moment she sat back down at her desk, her hand skimming over her notes, one of them would start screaming.  Not quiet grizzling that she could ignore, but full out red-in-their-faces screaming.  She'd taken to separating them during nap time just so that one wouldn't wake the other, but sometimes it didn't work in her favor, both of her children seeming to work together to ensure that she would never pass her law classes.

They called her a "nontraditional student," someone older who was going back to school.  And if that didn't earn her enough looks on campus and in her classes, she was always exhausted, barely staying awake enough to really pay attention.  The day she'd asked the same question as the person before her, and was ridiculed by some young kids, was the day she almost dropped out and reapplied for the NYPD.  The day her sitter flaked while Castle was in a big meeting was almost unbearable, sitting in the back with two fussy infants, straining to hear her professor and ignoring the annoyed looks of the students around her.  Castle snuck in partway through, taking the twins off her hands, and she spent the rest of the class hiding her red face behind a sheet of her hair, hunched over while taking notes.  She knew going back to school would be difficult.  She knew that studying with babies who needed her would be just as difficult.  But lately she'd been thinking that she may have bit off more than she could chew.

The offender this time was Elizabeth, whose wails came from their bedroom, where she rested in the bassinette.  Her cries only intensified as she heard her mother approaching, her eyes squeezed shut and her fists in angry balls up near her head.  "Sweet girl, what's wrong?"  Kate crooned, lifting the red-faced infant to her chest and rocking back and forth.  "You just finished eating, love, what could possibly be wrong?"  Of course, she didn't answer, only calmed as the movement of her mother continued.  Kate took a moment to check her daughter's diaper, finding it dry and free of anything stinky, and moved her hand to rub soothing circles into her daughter's back.  She pressed a kiss to the peach fuzz that covered her tiny head, inhaling the soothing smell of baby powder and shampoo.  Elizabeth was the clingy one of the two.  She liked to be held constantly, and hated waking from her naps out of someone's arms.  Oliver, her brother, enjoyed his swing, and staring up in the mirror at his own face.  He also loved the ceiling fan, and would stare at it for minutes at a time, his father's quizzical expression etched into his soft features.  "How in the world does Daddy get any writing done between the two of you?"  Elizabeth turned her head, her eyes blinking open and shut as her cries quieted to a grizzle, the occasional hiccup making her jump against Kate's chest.  Kate whispered to her, her mouth pressed to the side of the baby's head.  "If you stay like this you can come help me make flashcards.  Just promise not to wake your brother."  A quick glance at the clock told her he would be awake soon anyway, no matter how much noise they made, so she made no extra effort to tiptoe over to her desk, resuming her work with her daughter curled on her chest.

It only lasted about ten minutes, his demanding grunts coming from the other side of the bookcases, slowly growing in volume the longer Kate waited to go to him.  She finished her thought, writing it on the lined side, and made her way into the living room.  "Hey Buddy, nice of you to join the party!"  Unlike his sister, he quieted as he heard his mother approach, his head snapping in her direction, big hazel eyes under long lashes locked on her face.  Kate plopped her daughter down next to him in the playpen, letting her grizzle for a moment at the lack of contact before she realized where she was.  Once she saw her brother looking at her, she broke into a grin, squealing with delight as she reached out to touch his face.  Kate pulled up a chair, ready to watch the two of them interact, one of her all-time favorite pastimes.  "I guess I'm not getting much studying done tonight, huh?"

Oliver let out a grunt and a long coo, answering her question with an adorable smile that made her heart skip a beat.  

Kate reached a hand in to check her son's diaper, not surprised to find it squishy after his long nap.  "Come here, stinky boy."  Elizabeth wailed as her brother was taken away, her face turning a new shade of crimson and tears wetting her cheeks.  "Calm down, sweet girl, he'll be right back in to play, I promise."  She pulled a blanket off the couch, laying it and her son on the floor, and grabbed a diaper and some wipes from their secret stash in the coffee table drawer.  He didn't put up a fight, cooing at his mother while she worked, and once he was put back in that playpen, Elizabeth's cries quieted almost as quickly as they began.  "Drama queen, just like your Grams."  At the mention of Martha, her daughter squealed, kicking her legs and reaching out for her brother again.  "That's not a bad thing you know.  You could be an actress, like Grams, if that's what you wanted.  Or you can be a doctor, or a lawyer, even a police officer, just as long as you're happy.  I want you both to be happy."

Oliver cooed back, his eyes fixated on a point above his head.  It was this point that Elizabeth decided she wanted to talk to him, grunting out syllables and making extra noise, smacking his shoulder to try and get his attention.  Oliver was more interested in his daydream, ignoring her noise.  That lasted until one of her jerkier blows landed on the side of his head, making him yell back at her.  Kate watched in fascination as they yelled gibberish back and forth at each other, each trying their hardest to be the loudest.  Her hand covered her mouth to keep from laughing, and she imagined telling her entire class that she didn't finish the reading because her three-month-old twins were having their first fight.  At the point when their yells went from mildly annoyed to the beginnings of distress, she intervened, talking over them until she had their attention.  "Hey, stop fighting!  You have nothing to fight over yet.  No one has more milk, neither of you had the longer nap, and I'm still not telling you who was born first, so quit it."

Blank eyes blinked back at her, her son's expression going from curious to elation, and soon they were babbling together like old friends.

After twenty minutes of babbling and squeals of joy, Castle came home, dropping a briefcase on the table before making his way over to them.  He pressed a kiss to her forehead before plopping down on the floor, peering at their children through the blue mesh.  "What did I miss?"

"Not much," she laughed, "just me trying to study for my class while these two refused to nap.  I changed diapers and fed them both.  And they had their first fight."

"They were fighting?"  She could hear his smile in his question, his face moving closer to watch them.  "Was it juicy?"

She laughed.  "Well, Oliver wouldn't listen to Elizabeth's story, so she beat him up, and he yelled back at her."

He turned his head then, nudging her with his shoulder, a mischievous grin stretching over his face.  “She is your daughter.”

Her mouth fell open in fake disbelief.  “I don’t beat you up when you don’t listen!”

“You don’t.  You threaten to shoot me.”

Her eyes narrowed, and she bit the inside of her cheek as she looked him up and down.  “Not anymore, I don’t.  I need a new threat.”

He laughed, turning his attention back to their children, watching them hold on to each other.  “Did you get much studying done?”

“Do you get much writing done when you’re here, alone with them?”

His answering snort made her giggle, and as he rested his head on her knees, she ran her hands through his hair.  “Those chapters always turn out terrible.  There’s nothing worse than getting them sent back to me with just the heading, ‘try again.’”

“Ouch!”  She clutched at her chest as she teased him, and watched his shoulders heave as he laughed.  As they settled, she stretched her hands above her head, cracking her back, and pushing his head away from her knees.  “Actually, if you have an eye on them, I might go back to my flashcards.”

His hand tightened around her ankle, rendering her motionless.  “Or you could do that later.”

She raised her eyebrows, even though he wasn’t turned around to see her.  “Later?  I don’t want to study later, I want to study now.”

His grip tightened as she tried to get free.  “I’ll help you study.  Later.  For now, let’s watch them.”

She sighed, taking her seat again.  “Castle, whenever you want to help me study, we never get to the actual studying.  I have a midterm coming up!”

“So we’ll ask Lanie to watch them tomorrow, and we’ll go to the library.”  He turned to face her again, his eyebrows raising comically.  “It’s a study date.”

She wanted to do more now.  She wanted to argue about it.  But she did retain more when someone helped her.  And at the library they were less likely to get distracted.  Plus, Lanie had been begging for a chance to babysit from the moment the twins were born.  So she settled back into her seat, watching as their children held on to each other for dear life, letting out content sighs as they fell back asleep.  Her husband’s head found its way back to her lap, and she soothed him with her fingers in his hair, her other hand massaging his neck.  She’d done enough learning for today, and instead basked in this quiet moment with her family.  “It’s a study date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives.


	35. It Brings Out Your Eyes

Elizabeth could be quite the drama queen when things didn’t go her way.  As of this moment, she was screaming because Kate decided to put a headband on her.  She stood on the chair, her mouth open as she wailed, her face turning red, but not a single tear falling from her eye.  Kate was on her knees, the grey dress fanned out so she wouldn’t trip as she stood, her hands grasped around their little one’s waist.  “I know, I’m the worst.”  She moved her head to catch Elizabeth’s eye, and he could see her smile in her cheeks.  “Hey sweet pea!  Can Mumma see your smile?”

“No!”  Their girl crossed her arms, her head thrown dramatically away from her mother, eyes squeezed shut.  Kate copied her movements, a smirk in the corner of her mouth, and waited for Elizabeth to pay attention.  She did it a few more times, until the little girl laughed at each exaggerated movement, her mother helping her to realize the ridiculousness of the situation.  “Dat’s silly Mama!”  Elizabeth’s hands made their way to Kate’s cheeks, her dark blue eyes meeting her mother’s, her face serious.  “Be happy!”  

At the girl’s command, Kate’s smile grew, as brilliant as it had ever been, and she leaned forward, stealing a kiss from the toddler.  “Thank you, baby!”  She crooned, a lilt that brought a smile to his face as he watched from afar.  “You look beautiful.”  

“Sanks!”  The girl sat herself down, sliding off the chair and running across the dance floor.  Castle caught her before Kate could ask him to, swinging their youngest up into his arms.  Her squeals and giggles echoed in the empty venue, and he bounced around the dance floor just to hear them continue.  It was only his wife’s hand at his back that made him stop, his arm snaking around her and pulling her to his side.  

His wife’s eyes searched the empty banquet hall, her fingers tightening in his jacket.  “Where is Oliver?”

“Outside taking pictures with Ryan and Espo.  Lanie sent me to find her maid of honor.”

“Shit!”  She groaned as the curse fell through her lips, pulling the baby from his arm and kissing both of her ears, like it would erase it from the girl’s mind.  “I can’t leave her waiting.”  

As she started to duck away, he grabbed her arm, pulling her in for a quick kiss.  “I’m sure she can wait for a second.  You look stunning.”  His hand fell to the open back, his fingers tracing up and down her spine.  

She bit her bottom lip, her eyes narrowing as she pushed up on her toes to kiss him once more.  Her head hesitated for a moment, their noses still touching as she contemplated going in for another.  “Thank you.”  Her eyes flicked upward to meet his, mirth dancing in the corners as she grinned.  “But I have to go.”  She took off then, turning to look at him once more, her hand on the doorway.  “And I’m taking the baby with me.”

He couldn’t help his laughter as he followed her out, finding the rest of the wedding party waiting for the two of them, all posed, their son rolling his eyes as more and more time passed.  Kate stood behind him, next to the bride, and ruffled his thick hair, making him crack a smile.  After a few different configurations, Castle left them, deciding to scope out his table.

Lanie had given the Castle family an entire table, even though Kate was expected to eat at the head table with the rest of the wedding party.  But he figured it would make meal time a bit more manageable, knowing he could call in reinforcements, especially since Alexis was busy wrangling her own child.

The kids broke in the dance floor before the DJ had even started, Oliver showing off his cool disco moves he’d seen on TV to anyone who wanted to watch, while Elizabeth chased after boys and bounced on the balls of her feet, her clumsy hands meeting in an off beat while music played.  When his eyes weren’t glued to his children, he was watching Kate, who seemed to be in constant communication with her best friend, her face lighting up in a different way as she shared in her best friend’s joy.

“Alright folks, if you could do me a favor and clear the dance floor, we would really appreciate it.”  The voice over the loudspeaker pulled his gaze from his wife, and his eyes travelled from the DJ table to his daughter, who was sitting right in the center of the dance floor.  “It’s just about time for the first dance, so we need this little girl's Mommy or Daddy to come grab her please.”

He and Kate both stood, and he waved her off as he made his way over to his beaming daughter, who waited for him with outstretched arms.  When he’d lifted her, she settled into his chest, her head resting on his shoulder as they walked away.  Lanie met them halfway, pressing a kiss to the toddler’s forehead with a smile on her face.  “Just one song, baby girl.  After that you can dance to your heart’s content.  I promise.”  Elizabeth didn’t seem to mind either way, as long as she could spend time in her Daddy’s arms, but nodded anyway, her hands tightening in his shirt.

Lanie and James made their way to the floor, one of her hands on his shoulder, the other with fingers intertwined, her eyes locked on his as the slow music started.  They shared secret looks, looks of joy, laughter, and pure happiness as they circled together, the smooth vocals making time seem like it was slowing down.  After the first verse, the DJ invited other couples up to share in the moment.  Lanie’s parents were the first to join, dancing with practiced ease that only came from years of devotion.  And slowly, more and more couples made their way up to the dance floor.  Castle met his wife’s eyes from across the room, her smile widening at the attention, her head jerking in the direction of the couples who had joined their friends.  So Castle turned and deposited Elizabeth in the unsuspecting arms of his son-in-law, who gripped her like he was afraid to drop her.  He addressed both Emmet and his daughter, who was more occupied in keeping Owen busy and off the dance floor to go up with her husband.  “I owe you two.  I’ll entertain Owen for the next slow song.”  And with that, he rushed off, meeting his wife’s outstretched hand on the edge of the dance floor and pulling her close.  Her head rested against his shoulder as they joined the others, swaying together at the perfect pace, his hand around her waist keeping her close to him.  “Hey beautiful.”

He could feel her grin widen against his shoulder, her hand offering his a squeeze.  “Hey yourself.”

He ran his hand up and down her back, the design of the dress allowing him to feel her spine beneath his fingertips without barriers.  “You know, you should wear things like this more often.”  At this she pulled away her head to meet his eye, her eyebrow quirked just enough to ask him to clarify, her mouth partially open to tell him she really didn’t need to know, the contrast on her face making him chuckle.  “I mean the color.  It brings out your eyes.  They look greener tonight, it’s nice.”  

At his comment, she blushed, ducking her head for a moment before meeting his eyes again.  “Do you like it better when they’re green?”

“I don’t know if I have a favorite eye color on you.”  His head tilted to the side as he thought.  “I like them when they’re a darker, richer brown, or a darker green like moss.  And when they turn that nice amber color, I swear, they shine.  But today, they remind me of a beautiful spring day.  I don’t know what I like best.  I’ve always liked your eyes!”

She stood on her toes, swallowing the rest of his thoughts with a kiss as the song came to an end.  Soon their private moment would be interrupted by a toddler and a six-year-old who just want to dance, so he held her close to him for as long as he could.  “Maybe I’ll wear this out on our next date night then.”

He chuckled, his hand tracing a path up her spine again.  “I might like that.”

They were interrupted by little arms wrapping around their legs.  The rest of the night they spent dancing with their children, celebrating the new life Lanie was creating with her husband, and soaking up all the happiness that life could give.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives.


	36. One More Chapter

Writing had always been his coping mechanism, the way he processed the world around him.  So when his wife left without explanation, it shocked him when he felt like he didn't have the words to work through it.  He would stare at the screen, watching the cursor blink, mocking him, for as long as he could stand before talking to Lucy instead, or pulling up the latest episodes of Temptation Lane on the DVR because _ somebody  _ needed to watch them.  His Nikki Heat chapters sat, buried near the bottom of his most recent documents.  But then she'd left him a shirt.  Not just any shirt.  She’d left her favorite comfy day t-shirt for him as a reminder that she did want to come home someday.  And standing in that room, her shirt pressed to his nose, that familiar itch in his fingertips came back full force, a whole host of stories whispering to him in his mind.

The loudest one was about a couple, Jack and Cheyenne Provost.  Jack was an English professor at an esteemed New York university, beloved by his students for his slightly unorthodox teaching methods.  He trusted others to a fault, and always tried to see the joy in all of his endeavors.  Cheyenne was a District Attorney, who spent her free time helping reformed inmates work on things like resumes or mock interviews, and helped secure referrals to counselors to help them transition back into society.  She found it harder to forgive than her husband did, and once a person did her wrong, they never got another chance.  But she was determined to make a difference and leave her mark on the world.  Together, they were perfect.  They balanced each other out, geeked out together about the strangest things, and fought with a passion he'd only ever experienced with his own wife.

He wrote countless scenarios about why Cheyenne left Jack one day without warning, tearing his soul from his body as she slammed the door behind her.  Most of it was written from her point of view, because even in his current state, he knew no one would want to read a book about anyone wallowing in self-pity.  The first issue he confronted was infidelity, as it was his greatest fear.  Cheyenne took some time grappling with her feelings, hating herself for messing up the relationship with her husband and looking into the deeper reasons as to why she let it happen.  When she tells Jack, she does it at her therapist's office, letting him know that she still loves him and wants more than anything to work through it so she will never betray him again.  It takes him some time, and counseling of his own before he agrees.  And it's never exactly as it was, but with hard work and respect, they heal and have happy lives.

Another had her leaving because she found out she miscarried.  Somehow, she blamed herself, and thought he would too, and just needed to take some time to mourn the life that was in her grasp not long ago.  It was something they'd only discussed in passing that she wasn't even sure she wanted.  Knowing that it was what Jack wanted only made her worry that she only considered it because he wanted it, not because it would make her happy.  Of course, when she comes to Jack and tells him all of this, he kisses her head, and tells her he's happy with life as long as she's in it, and of course he doesn't blame her for the miscarriage.  The decision about babies isn't made by the time he finishes writing, and he leaves that up to the reader.

Then he takes a turn for the fantastic.  While actively trying to have a child with her husband, Cheyenne meets a teenager who claims to be Jack's love-child with a woman he's never mentioned before.  Thinking that her husband may be hiding something bigger in his past from her, she leaves to conduct her own investigation.  She speaks with the mother of this child, old friends from high school that she's never had the opportunity to meet, and the one person in the world he used to tell everything to that moved out of the country when Jack was seventeen.  She returns with a better understanding of his motivations and insecurities, apologizes for leaving, and discusses everything she found out about him, and the parallels with her own life.  At first he was upset, wishing she could have just trusted him and come to him with any questions that he had.  But then he realized that this trip was something she needed to do, to discover how she fit into a life with him and the rest of his crazy family.  As she opens up about her own life, with that faraway look in her eyes, he swears he falls even more in love with her than he ever had been before.

He developed that last idea the most, returning each day to a new chapter and elaborating, falling a little more in love with the characters every day.  On a whim, he sent a few chapters to Black Pawn, fully expecting them to send them back and demand more Nikki.  Instead, they asked for more.  And then his editor got involved.  Before he knew it, he had pushed Nikki to the side to focus on this project that was really only meant for him to help figure out Kate’s motives.

By the time Kate came home for good, he hadn't told her about the new book.  He didn't know how to tell her that the story he'd written about them for the duration of their relationship had been pushed aside.  So instead he took the coward's way out, leaving the printed manuscript on her desk and leaving for a day filled with meetings, his phone switched off so he wouldn't be tempted to ask what she'd thought.

She didn't send him anything by the time his day was over, making him wonder if she'd had one of those days where she avoided extra work altogether, heading straight for the TV to watch whatever was stored in the DVR, feet up, hair down, and a glass of wine in her hand.  He returned home to her instead curled on the couch, his manuscript in her hands, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.  He sat next to her, his hand massaging her calf.  "What did you think?"  His voice sounded more desperate than he'd hoped, and he tried to swallow any insecurities he might have as he braced for her response.

One of her fingers raised, silencing him.  "One more chapter."  The finger returned to the pages, tracking the paragraphs as she read it.  He'd never realized how long a chapter could be when he was waiting to hear some sort of feedback.  The clock seemed to tick slower, and every miniscule noise seemed amplified in the silence, the occasional page turns making his heart flutter.

When she'd finished, she closed it with care, and clutched the bare cover page to her chest.  "I loved it.  I felt what the characters were going through, related more than ever to their feelings, and it didn’t seem like a stretch to believe that something like this could actually happen."

He grinned, relaxing next to her.  "I'm glad.  It sort of helped me through everything these last few weeks."  

Her eyes softened and studied his face.  "This was your separation project?"

"Kind of.  I was using Cheyenne to try and figure out what might be going on with you."

She chuckled, lightening the mood with an ease he’d come to associate with her.  "Is this you telling me that you have a secret love child?"

He laughed along with her, shaking his head.  "Not that I know of.  But if you happen to find out first, can you let me know before you take off on a journey to discover my past?"

"Will do."  She agreed, her hand tracing a pattern into the back pages.  “Reading Jack’s scenes made me realize what I put you through.  I’m sorry.”

His hand found hers and offered a reassuring squeeze.  “We need to stop apologizing to each other.  We’re here, and that’s all that matters.”

Kate stayed silent, staring at a point just past him as she fiddled with her fingers.  “Do you know what else I liked?  I liked the contrast of Jack fighting for a relationship with a son he didn’t know he had, and yet feeling helpless about his relationship with his wife.  I found it intriguing.”

“Good.  I worried that the relationship felt forced.”  

She shrugged.  “Wouldn’t it though?  I feel like it’s weird to build a parent-child relationship with someone you’ve never met before.”  She paused, taking a minute to consider what she wanted to say, her eyes searching the air around her.  “And unlike you, Jack doesn’t have experience with children.  He’s not emotionally invested in the students he teaches like he would be in his son’s.”

“He cares about his students!”  His interjection was louder than he’d thought it would be, his fingers tightening around her calf.  

“I know that.  But it’s different when one of those people is your child.  You don’t want them to make those decisions that end in heartbreak, or jail, and you just want to wrap them in a bubble and never let anything touch them.  You don’t feel that way about random people in a classroom.”

He nodded along as she spoke, letting her words sink in, and wondering how many times he’d said those exact same things about Alexis.  “Okay, I see your point.”

“Now, you had all of Alexis’ life to be that person for her.  But imagine being presented with someone that you instinctively had all those feelings for, but knew nothing about.  You don’t know if they like to be touched, so you can’t hug them when they’re upset.  You don’t know what to say to bring a smile to their face in an instant.  You can’t even talk about sports with them, because what if they love your rival team?  Or what if they hate the same kinds of movies that you love? The list goes on forever!”  He watched her think, a hint of a smile creeping across her features.  “So I think that the awkwardness between them was perfect.  And I loved that Jack fought for the relationship instead of letting it fade.  It was nice.” She toyed with the corners of the manuscript, as if it were a tiny flip book.  "Knowing you, I half expected to find out that Jack had killed someone in his past.  I thought Cheyenne would discover it, and have to decide whether she wanted to confront him or go straight to the police."

His shoulders heaved up and down.  "I thought about that.  But the other, more mundane stories that made him human kept creeping up.  And after some time of writing, I realized I'd completely forgotten about the murder.  Besides, Jesse needs a good father figure."

"It's different.  I like it."  She chuckled, her eyes rolling before connecting with his again.  "It's serious literature.  Just like that suspect Doyle said you'd write."

He pulled her legs into his lap, massaging her feet.  "Right?  That's what I was thinking.  And Black Pawn wants as many of these as I can give them, they're loving it.  I mean, I want to give Nikki some closure first before I go writing more stuff like this, but I think I may actually switch my genre.”

"You're writing serious literature.  I got asked to run for office.  I guess all we're missing is the three kids."

At this he perked up, leaning over her and smirking.  "We can get started on those whenever you're ready."  

She pulled her legs out of his lap, sitting up to kiss him properly, her fingers running through his hair as she held him close.  They pulled apart after a moment, their foreheads still touching as they looked into one another's eyes.  "Once we take down LokSat, we can revisit the baby conversation.  I don't want to spread myself too thin."

He beamed, capturing his wife's lips in another kiss.  "Deal."

She pulled away, laughing, depositing the manuscript on the table next to them and wrapping her arms around his neck.  "Until then, we can always practice the necessary skill set."

He offered her a roguish smile, his arms wrapping around her and holding her close to him as he began to rise from the couch.  "You don't need to tell me twice."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives.


	37. I'll Pick You Up at the Airport

His phone rang, her face illuminating the darkness of his bedroom, and he felt his heart pick up as he reached for it, despite his exhaustion.  “Hey there.”

“Hi.”  Her voice lilted upward as she spoke, and he felt like he could picture her face perfectly, eyes bright and lips pulled across her face in a smile that was meant only for him.  “How was your day?”

He shrugged, adjusting himself on the pillows and flipping on a light.  “Same old.  I had a few chapters due so I mostly just worked on those.”

On the other end, his girlfriend was chuckling.  “So what you’re telling me is that you played Guitar Hero all day and watched old SciFi movies.”

“It was Rock Band, and you know me too well.”  He laughed along with her, his eye falling on the stack of movies he never got to.  “It would have been better with you.”

“Yeah, well, I kick your ass at Rock Band anyway.  You needed the practice.”

“Did you just call me to harass me?  Because I can go back to sleep!”  His fake indignation could barely be heard over her laughter, the sound bringing a smile to his face.  

“I didn’t, I promise.  I’m sorry.”  Her laughter had died down, and the apology seemed genuine despite the obvious silliness of her statements.  “I actually wanted to tell you about all the cool stuff I learned.”

“I’m all ears.”

He could hear her hotel room bed creak as she turned over, and imagined her lying on her side, the phone pressed to her cheek.  “Well, today we got to meet Dr. Lightman of the Lightman Group in DC.  He’s worked with local law enforcement, district and US attorneys, pretty much every branch of the US Military, was employed by the Pentagon, and now runs his own consulting firm.”

“Sounds impressive.”  He tried to hide that tone in his voice as he was reminded that she didn’t need him to help her solve cases.  There were much more qualified people out there.

“It is.  He and his wife run the firm together now.”  A relieved grin stretched across his face at the words, and he wondered if she threw that information in there because she heard his jealousy.  “He specializes in faces while she does voice analysis.  I guess she never forgets a voice, which is impressive because it’s not a skill that people tend to have.”

“Wait a second, backup a bit.  He specializes in  _ faces _ ?”

“Yes.  He watches these tiny twitches on people’s faces and can tell what emotion they’re feeling at that moment.  They’re called micro expressions, and they are the same no matter a person’s culture, gender, or age.  He uses them during interrogations.”  She paused to yawn and he heard the bed creak again as she stretched.  “He told a story today about a teenager arrested for killing his teacher.  He kept looking down and away, and even covering his eyes anytime they mentioned the teacher’s name.  It’s a sign of shame.  The prosecutors thought that the boy was ashamed he did it and took it as a sign of guilt.  Instead he was ashamed because he had feelings for his teacher and was raised in a religiously restrictive household.  The boy had nothing to do with the murder.”

“So he helped free an innocent teenage boy.  Please tell me they at least caught the killer.”

“With the right direction, yes.”  She yawned again, and her voice started to sound heavy.  “I know I’ve said that people who wait too long to answer my questions are probably lying.  But today I learned that people who answer too quickly might be lying too.”

“Well, if the story is true, they should be able to recall it quickly.”

“Maybe.”  She shifted, her cheek muffling her voice.  “But if someone is lying, they rehearse their stories, so it comes across like they’re credible.”

“Diabolical.”

“Oh!  And if you want to know if someone’s smile is genuine, look for wrinkling in the eyes.  If there’s no wrinkling, it’s not real.”

“Unless they’ve had Botox.”

She laughed, her voice lower as sleep started to invade her brain.  “That’s probably true.”

“What time does your flight get in again?  I’ll pick you up at the airport.”

She groaned, the bed creaking as she rolled over to look at her flight documents.  “Around five.  You don’t have to do that though.”

“I know.  But I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too.”  She yawned again and he heard the covers being pulled back, the bed creaking as she got herself settled.  

“You sound exhausted so I think I should let you go.”

Her groan of approval made him grin.  “Okay.  Goodnight, Castle.”

“Goodnight, Kate.  See you tomorrow.”  She hung up just before she started to snore, succumbing to sleep before she could reply.  He rolled over, hugging a pillow close and pretending it was her, and waited to do the same.

* * *

The baggage claim was packed the next day, and he wondered how many people had significant others away in DC for this conference.  He knew a large number of NYPD detectives and captains were planning to go, and Kate had sent him pictures of all the people she met while she was there who bonded with her over their love of the Yankees, or argued about where to get the best burgers and milkshakes.  So he stayed by the escalator, watching the people come down and clutching the bouquet of flowers close to his chest.

When he saw her, weary from traveling and all, his heart skipped a beat.  She always flew comfortably, hair thrown back in a messy ponytail, a simple red t-shirt and black yoga pants, but she still looked stunning.  When her eyes met his, she lit up, the corners of her eyes wrinkling as she grinned at him, a hand held high as she waved.  When she reached the bottom of the escalator, she threw herself at him, ignoring the flowers and instead locking lips with him.  He laughed into the kiss, snaking an arm around her back and holding her close.  When they pulled apart, she met his eyes, eyebrows raised with concern.  “Is this how it’s going to feel when you’re away on book tours?  Because I have just learned that I don’t sleep well without you snoring next to me.”

He pressed a kiss to the side of her head as they walked arm in arm to find her baggage.  “I promise, it gets easier.”  

She always swore that it didn’t.  But whenever either of them went on a trip, the other always met them at the airport, all smiles and arms open wide, welcoming their true love home.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives.


	38. What Do You Want to Watch?

There were many benefits of being engaged to Richard Castle.  Along with access to his bed that was like sleeping on a cloud, the most amazing back massages she’d ever had, and all the tools of a gourmet kitchen, she also had access to his Netflix queue.  A queue filled with all the shows and movies she didn’t know she wanted to watch.  

She hadn’t grown up watching a lot of TV.  In fact, the television tended to be saved for days when she was really sick, or the weather outside was atrocious.  Even then, she had always been the type of child who loved to curl up with a good book.  It was a practice that continued into her adult life, and she continued to find comfort in words written on a page instead of actors on a screen.  But sometimes, after a particularly long day, she liked to relax with a glass of wine, her feet in her fiancé’s lap as she picked something from the queue.  

She loved that she could be nerdy with him, watching the old, crappy Sci-Fi movies from back before special effects were a thing.  He had the old episodes of Doctor Who on there, and they would argue over which companion was the best fit.  Sometimes they’d watch a sappy romance movie, Kate moving to rest her head on his chest as they watched, listening to the steady thrum of his heart.  Every once in a while they watched a bad movie just to laugh at it, each picking out the most awful quote they could find and saying it to each other for about a week afterward, while trying to keep their composure around the boys.  And then there were the nights they would choose an indie movie at random, just to see if it was any good.  In reality, it was more than the queue.  It was the small moments of domesticity they shared.  The kiss on her forehead as they watched the two protagonists finally realize they were meant to be, or her hand squeezing his when there was a loud, sudden noise.  How she would sometimes fall asleep and he would have to help her walk to bed, where she would sleep in the same clothes she wore all day, too exhausted to care if he found it attractive.  None of it seemed boring, and none of it scared her.

One such day she came home, her muscles weary from sitting all day, her back sore from being hunched over paperwork.  She found him sitting on the couch, his fingers tracing over an old picture of Alexis, not even looking up as she approached.  She leaned over and pressed a tender kiss to his temple, her heart breaking for him as he grappled with this milestone his daughter was reaching.  “She moved out the last box today.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”  She brought her hands up to massage his shoulders, trying in vain to find anything to comfort him.

“I just can’t believe she’s all grown up and gone.”  He turned to look at her.  “Kate, what if I never see her?”

“Are you kidding?”  With this she walked around the couch to sit next to him, grabbing his free hand and holding it tight.  “Castle, you and Alexis have one of the strongest bonds I’ve ever seen.  She loves you and you love her, unconditionally.”

“Of course I love her.  But now she has Pi.”  He said his name with a shudder, letting out a sigh before continuing.  “Of all the guys she had to settle down with, she chose Pi.  I’ve liked her other boyfriends.  They were respectful at least.  But this one is a freeloader, who fills her head with these wild ideas, and I just want my baby girl to come back home.”

Kate took a moment to figure out what to say, resting her chin on his shoulder.  “Someday, she’ll look back on this and realize that she could have done so much better.  But when she looks back and wonders why she ever put up with all of this, she’s going to remember you.  You, who was so supportive that you helped her find ads in the paper.  You, who put up with all Pi’s antics just to see a smile on your little girl’s face.  You, who would do anything to make sure she was happy.  And she’ll appreciate it.”

He took the time to let her words sink in, the picture falling to his lap as he turned his head to press a kiss to her forehead.  “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me.  You did all the hard work with her, now you have to let her live her life.”

“I know.  It just sucks.”  He put her photo down on the coffee table.  “How was your day?”

“Long.”  She pushed away from him, stretching her tired limbs in demonstration.  “Its days like these I wish I was you and could skip out on the paperwork.”

“Gross.  One of your catch up days, I assume?”

“You would be correct.”  She leaned up against him as he laid back, her head resting over his heart.  “All I want to do is watch something mindless and go to sleep.”

At this, he handed her the remote.  There was nothing out of the ordinary with this exchange.  She usually picked when they watched together, though whether it was because they were so in tune or he was just being chivalrous, she never knew.  And yes, her day was bad, but his was worse.  While she did paperwork, he said goodbye to his little girl, and had to trust that she would do okay on her own.  So instead, she passed the remote over to him.  “What do you want to watch?”

He took the remote from her with care, and took time as he flipped through the titles available to them.  He spent a lot of time on a television show, his finger hovering over the enter button.  “I’ve heard good things, but I don’t think it’s mindless.  Are you okay with that?”

“I’m okay with anything as long as it’s what you want.”

That night, they fell in love with the Braverman family, how they supported one another, and how each character tried to do what was best for their family.  And after a few episodes Kate realized that was what she wanted someday.  A huge family to lean on in times of trouble, starting with the man she was falling asleep on.  She didn’t need to start working on it tomorrow, but she also didn’t want to wait.  So she resolved to bring it up another day, when the sting of Alexis’ departure wasn’t quite so fresh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives.


	39. You Don't Have to Ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set early in her suspension during season five. Enjoy!

__

He awoke to darkness, the bed empty beside him despite falling asleep with his beautiful girlfriend nestled in his arms.  As he rubbed his eyes and stretched his toes, the clang from his kitchen told him what had woken him.  His feet hit the floor, his eyes searching the dark for his boxers, his hands reaching for the clothing that was piled on the side of the bed.  He pulled something on, shrugged on the robe that hung by the bathroom door, and made his way out to the kitchen.

This is where he found Kate.  She didn’t notice him.  She was too busy leaning over a pan, tasting whatever she was making with a wooden spoon.  Her hair was in a messy bun on top of her head, and she wore one of his shirts, her bare legs looking longer as she stood on her toes to reach something on the top shelf.  It was an image he still had trouble believing he got to see.  “What are you making?”

Before that moment, he’d never seen Kate Beckett jump.  She startled, closing the cabinet with a thud and whirling around to face him.  “I’m sorry, I just woke up, and my stomach was growling, and cooking relaxes me.”

He went to her then, his hands around her waist, drawing her close.  “It’s okay.  You don’t have to ask.”  What’s his is hers now, or at least that’s how relationships were supposed to work.

She lifted herself, placing a quick and chaste kiss to his lips before wriggling out of his grasp and turning back toward the pan.  “I’m melting some chocolate with this butter to pour over some popcorn.  I was trying to see if you had any other flavored chips.”  She used a rubber spatula to mix the butter, turning down the heat so it wouldn’t scald.

Castle walked over to a cabinet on the opposite side of the kitchen, opening it and pulling down all his specialty flavor chocolate melts.  “What are you in the mood for?  I have salted caramel, peanut butter, and butterscotch.”

“Oh, peanut butter!  That way they’ll taste like Reese’s.”  She held her hands out in front of her, and he tossed her the bag, just as in sync in the kitchen as they were everywhere else.

“Can I ask what woke you?”  He asked, sitting at the island to watch her work.

Her mouth pursed as she decided how to answer, her arm never stopping its stirring motion as she added the new chocolate melts.  “Don’t be offended.”  At his raised eyebrow, she grinned, shaking her head from side to side.  “I just don’t sleep well in places I’m not used to.  Even if there’s a cuddly man keeping me warm.”

“I would have come to your house if I’d known.”  His concern for her poured out of his voice, making her turn and offer him a reassuring smile.  But it didn’t help the guilty feeling that now settled in the pit of his stomach.

“I said don’t be offended.  Give me a week or two, I’ll be fine soon enough.”  She chuckled, making some of the guilt lift.  “I don’t want to avoid your place all together.  At some point, I will have to be here, so it’s better for me to just try to get over this now.”

“I know, but…”

“Castle, this has nothing to do with you.  I’ve always been this way.”  She smiled to herself as she poured the pot of butter over the popcorn, shaking the bowl as she went.  “Growing up, hotel rooms were a nightmare.  I used to play games by myself in the bathroom instead of sleeping.  And those few weekends I spent at my Nona’s house weren’t easy either.  She’s the one who taught me to cook instead of pace around the living room, but I think she just thought that me cooking would be quieter.”

The laugh he let out almost made her jump again, his voice louder as he woke up.  “How did she think that would be quieter?”

Her shrug made him smile.  “I don’t know.  I can be a whirlwind once I get started.”

“I think you’re a better cook than people realize too.”  The popcorn certainly looked good.  It looked better as she mixed it, coating every available surface with chocolate and peanut butter.

“I’ve tried to tell Ryan and Espo that I’m good at it, but they refuse to try anything I cook.  They always joke that they might die.  I end up with so many leftovers after pot-luck events.”

“Yeah, I think I’ve heard them mention it.  But after watching you tonight, I think they stand corrected.”

“Don’t speak too soon.”  She pulled a piece off the top, blew on it for a few seconds, and dropped it in his hand.  “Try it, tell me what you think.”

So he popped it in his mouth, taking in the treat, the chocolate still a bit warm, the slight saltiness of the popcorn, and the distinct taste of peanut butter.  It did taste like a Reese’s cup.  “Oh, this is amazing.  This is the reason that I keep you around.”

She let out a snort as she kissed him again on the lips, this time not so chaste and quick.  This time, she deepened the kiss, her fingers in his hair as she moaned in the back of her throat.  When she pulled away, her smile was coy.  “I hope it’s not the only reason you keep me around.”

“No.  Never.”  Her smile lit up the dark kitchen, brighter than any sunrise in his book, and she grabbed the bowl of popcorn and headed for the living room.  Together, they picked a movie and settled down together with their late night snack.  And he made it perfectly clear that she would never have to worry about using his kitchen again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives.


	40. It's Okay, I Couldn't Sleep Anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set somewhere in season 1.

Kate had seen her fair share of crime scenes.  In a way, she was desensitized to it all.  Her stomach no longer turned as she saw pools of blood, the life drained from people’s eyes.  She could stand amongst the smell of decomp, with flies buzzing all around and not bat an eye.

Of course, it was harder with people she knew.  Cop deaths were not only the hardest cases she worked, but the ones that hit her the hardest.  Those, and cases with children.  Seeing a life extinguished before it ever began was always a tragedy.  Those were the cases that made her want to call out the next day, and curl up on the couch instead.  Unfortunately, these were lessons Castle learned for himself on their latest case.

The girl’s name was Madison Daly, identified by her ID badge for Marlow prep. When her name was read aloud at the scene, Kate watched the color drain from her partner’s face, his ever present smile dropping as his eyes grew wide.  “Maddy?”

“Castle, you know her?”  Espo asked, his arms crossed and his eyebrows raised.

“Yeah.  She and Alexis sit close together in homeroom.  She’s come over to our house for study groups and group projects.”

“You should sit this one out.”  It came out harsher than she wanted it to.  She meant it to be reassuring; he didn’t need to work every case with them.  Especially when the case involved someone he knew, someone his daughter knew.  Emotions were expected to run high as the victim was fifteen, and the last thing they needed was someone emotionally invested involved.  He didn’t deserve to put himself through more pain either.  Instead, she sounded annoyed, like his presence wasn’t wanted, let alone needed.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“Castle…”

“Beckett, I need to do this.  Please.”  His eyes pleaded with hers, his jaw was set as he stared her down.  “If I start to get out of hand, send me home.  I’ll leave without fighting.  But let me help with this one.”

Kate let out a sigh as she fought back her gut reaction.  He shouldn’t be working this, but knowing him he’d find a way to but in anyway.  Maybe having a person who knew her on the team might help lead them in the right direction.  “Okay.  But you can’t interrogate suspects with me because the defense will have a field day with that.  You can watch from observation with the boys.”

“Deal.”  His eyes dropped again to the body, and she watched as he hardened his stance, trying to appear tougher.  “We have to tell her parents.  And we’ll have to talk to the school.”

“Castle, if you have to step back, we’ll understand.”

That seemed to be the statement, the one that made things click in his head so he knew she was concerned.  This time, when he looked up, his eyes looked softer, gratitude flashing across his face.  “I’ll keep you posted.”

Meeting with the parents was hard.  The school was relatively small and high profile, so the parents knew each other well from various events.  Maddy’s parents sobbed during the notification, and he did his best to comfort them, giving them his word that they would work their hardest to figure everything out.  He never promised them justice, something she was glad for as she watched them, understanding that sometimes these cases didn’t get solved.

They drove up to the school next.  He got in without a problem, flashing charming smiles at the security officers.  Kate found herself wondering if anyone else could see the pain behind his facade. 

“Mr. Castle, it’s wonderful to see you!”  The principal greeted them with a grand gesture, his arms outstretched above his head as he beckoned them into his office, the movement seeming almost too large for his small frame.  “Please don’t tell me something is up with Alexis?”  The smaller man turned his head to face Kate, his smile bright.  “She really is one of our brighter students here.”

“Unfortunately, she is not the student we want to discuss.”  Kate flashed her badge and took the evidence bag containing Maddy’s ID and slid it across his desk.

The principal nodded, sliding it back before speaking.  “Yes, Miss. Daly.  Another bright pupil.  I can’t imagine what there might be to discuss.”

“Madison Daly was found dead this morning at a subway station a few blocks from her house.”

His head fell as her words sunk in, his skin greying and shoulders dropping as he sat back in his chair.  “Oh god.  Her poor family.”  He raised his head to meet Kate’s eye, his jaw set as he gathered control of his emotions.  “Of course, we will do everything in our power to help you with this case, Detective.”

“You could start by letting us talk to her closest friends, and maybe some of her teachers?”

He pushed his chair back, rifling through a few folders.  “Her teachers we can’t gather all at once, but I’m sure they would be available after the school day is over.  Students we can pull out of class.  You’ll want to talk to Gina Moreno, Paige Pryor, Melissa LeBouf,”  with each name he placed a file in front of them, the pile growing as he thought out loud.  The final file he dropped, he looked right at Castle for, his voice growing softer.  “And of course, Alexis Castle.”

The principal was more than helpful, giving them a list of empty rooms they could gather in, and helping them find each classroom.  The students gathered without much of a fight, a few asking what was going on before walking toward their gathering place, eyebrows knotted together in confusion.

The last student they pulled was Alexis.  Who recognized them both and started freaking out in her class.  “Dad, tell me nothing happened to Grams.”  She was on the verge of tears, her crystal blue eyes wide and flickering between them.

“Grams is fine, sweetheart, but we need to go talk about something.”

She shook her head, her fists balled up at her sides.  “No.  I want to know what’s going on now.”

Kate reached a hand out, her gaze tender and concerned.  “Can we at least get out to the hallway?”  At this, Alexis relaxed, letting Kate embrace her and lead her out, her hand in the small of the young girl’s back.  “I’m sorry to bother you at school like this, but we have to ask you some questions.”

“Who died?”  The redhead looked between the two adults, searching for answers.  “You’re both here, so someone must have died.”

Castle’s hand wrapped around her wrist, giving it a gentle tug in the direction of the empty room.  “Let’s go talk with everyone.”

Her head shook with a ferocity that Kate didn’t expect from her.  “No.  I’m at a disadvantage.  I know what you do, none of the others have any clue what’s coming.  I want to know who died.”

Castle shot Kate a look, one that clearly told her he would handle the situation.  Then, with a tenderness he only had with Alexis, he kissed the top of her head and pulled her into an empty classroom.

Kate watched as he sat down on the edge of a desk, his face grave.  She watched the two words fall out of his mouth.  And her heart broke more than she’d thought it could as she watched Alexis crumple into her father, her shoulders heaving with sobs that couldn't be heard through the thick doors.  She turned away.

Kate gave them their space for a few more minutes, knowing all too well what it was like when that bubble of protection pops and you realize just how cruel the world can be.  She wished her dad had been able to care for her more when she’d had to deal with that truth.  But the other kids who were waiting to be briefed might be getting antsy, and she had a murder to solve, and there was a possibility that Alexis might know something that could help.  So she pushed open the door and called out to them.  “I'm sorry.  I need you.”

It was brave, the way Alexis nodded, stepping away from the safe embrace of father and regaining her composure.  Her crystal blue eyes met the detective’s, her face stony and paler than usual.  “How can I help.”

“You can help me by going in the room with your classmates, and telling me everything you know about Maddy.”  Kate offered a reassuring smile.  “Something you tell us now could be the break we need later on.”

Alexis only nodded, just as determined as her father to help in any way possible.  “What room are they meeting in?”

“Room 316.”

Her father tapped her back, pushing her forward.  “Go ahead, Pumpkin, we’ll be right there.”  Kate turned to watch Alexis leaved, determined to let Castle have the moment he needed, even shedding a tear herself.  His soft touch on her shoulder made her turn back to face him, her eyes meeting his sad eyes, finally seeing his tough mask fall.  “How do you do it?  Tell people that someone they care about is gone?”

She shrugged, wishing more than anything that she had a better answer for him.  “It wasn’t easy at first.  I was terrible at it.”  Her mind drifted to her first solo notification.  It didn’t help that it was a girl around age twenty-one, whose mother had been taken by illness a year earlier and whose father was the victim.  Seeing herself in the young girl had destroyed her at the time, and she ended up crying along with the stranger.  “But eventually, it becomes a part of the routine.”  She raised her eyebrows.  “This wasn’t normal.  This was you, telling the most important person in your world, that her friend died.  This was seeing your child upset.  This wasn’t any average person’s family.  You’re emotionally involved, you should go home.”

But Castle, stubborn as always, only set his jaw once more, his eyes determined as he stared back at her.  “Not going to happen.”  With that, he strode from the room without looking to see if she followed.

The room of students reacted about the way she thought they might.  There was a lot of shock, some anger, but more stunned silence than anything.  Alexis sat in the back, her arms crossed and her head down, refusing to look up and acknowledge anything, so different from the girl she seemed to be.  But Kate got a good amount of leads to run down from the group.  Maddy’s boyfriend went to a different school, and was a part of a rowdier crowd there.  But she wasn’t into the scene.  She wanted to go to medical school to become an oncologist.  She wanted to cure cancer.  Alexis told stories about her taking her younger siblings out for ice cream, or to play at the park.  Everyone agreed that the girl put other people’s needs before her own.  And they named off parts of her routine that her parents didn’t know about.

When Kate indicated that she had all the information she needed, the principal stood and addressed the room.  “Thank you all for your time and thoughtfulness today.  Thank you for your honesty while answering the detective’s questions.  If you choose to leave today, it will be excused, we understand what an impact this must have on you.  Of course, if you choose to return to class, we won’t hold that against you either.”  The students looked around, dazed.  A few of them met some of their friend’s eyes, or offered rides.  Castle only had eyes for his daughter, who still refused to look up, conflicted about what she wanted.

That was when Kate nudged her partner.  “Castle, take your daughter home.  Get her some ice cream, watch whatever she wants on Netflix, but just be there for her.”

“But the case…”

She rolled her eyes as she interrupted him.  “Castle, we know how to solve a murder.  But it’s been a tough day for everyone, and your daughter needs your support.”  It took him longer that it should have to oblige.  He stared at her, his eyes studying her face to see how serious she was, to see if it was worth pushing back.  Once he saw the resolve on her face, his mask again dropped, his shoulders hunching as he went to his daughter, embracing her like only a father could, and pulling her gently toward the door.

Kate took a moment at the school to compose herself, resetting her own mask before interviewing teachers.  She sent the boys out to talk to the boyfriend, a student at the rival school, Miller Academy.  And together, they started building a timeline.

She went home at nine, after resolving to talk to teachers at Marlow the following day about just how high stakes the testing was.  At home, she did what she always did with cases concerning young people.  She tried to put the day behind her. 

It meant drinking an extra glass of wine as she curled into a ball on her couch, watching whatever episodes of Temptation Lane caught her attention.  It meant taking some time to pamper herself, by lighting candles and playing soft music, letting the warmth of the bath wash her thoughts away.  It meant trying to sleep with the radio on, so people talking would put new images in her brain, instead of images of a bright smiling girl in the green school uniform, all her potential gone at the bottom of a subway station.

It was two in the morning when her phone rang, her partner’s name flashing across the screen.  So she turned off the radio and answered, still laying down as she answered.  “Hello?”

“How do you do it?”  He sounded as awake as she was, like his mind wouldn’t stop moving, going over every detail of their day together.  “How do you handle cases involving kids?”

“I’m not saying it’s easy.  But they deserve justice too, and their families are looking to me to provide it.  So I have to wait until the case is over to fall apart.”

“But you do fall apart, right?  Because I don’t think I saw you flinch once today.”

She hesitated before answering, not sure what to tell him.  “That’s because I would do it while your attention was directed elsewhere.”  She blamed it on a byproduct of being a woman on the force.  She had to be tough at all times, because sometimes the men wouldn’t take her seriously.  Even though she knew they struggled just as much as she did, none of them could know.  “Trust me, Castle, cases involving children and teens are the worst ones.”

“Then how do you do it?”

At this, she sat up, unsure of how long the conversation would be, but knowing that the information would help with his research.  “Think of it like an acting job.  I have to act like none of it bothers me for a few reasons.  First, I need to put on a tough exterior for the boys under me.  The last thing you want is them thinking that you’re too emotional, because they won’t listen to what you say.”

“That’s unfair.”

She chuckled at that, the understatement of the century.  “True.  But it’s happened.  It’s seen as a weakness.”  Her mind drifted to the notification, how Castle comforted them but kept his own feelings to himself.  “You did good with the family today.  When it comes to any case, I have to stay strong around them.  It shows that I’m dedicated to my job, dedicated to finding justice.  Breaking down with them is as unprofessional as it gets, and they may request a different detective be put on the case.”

“And you don’t want that.”

“No.  I hate handing my hard work over just to watch someone else mess it all up.”  She yawned and stretched, taking the receiver away from her mouth so she wouldn’t yawn in his ear.  “And defense attorneys are the worst.  If they find out that I was the least bit emotional, they’ll accuse me of doctoring evidence just to find some kind of closure, and they’ll harp on it just enough to try and create reasonable doubt.  So I have no choice, in front of those people, I have to stay strong.”

Her explanation was met with silence on the other end, making her wonder if he fell asleep on her.  When he did respond, she jumped at the sound of his voice.  “What about when you’re alone?”

She shrugged, even though he couldn’t see her, unsure of how to answer.  “Everyone is different.  I know Lanie visits her sister and her kids, finds joy in the fact that they are still around.  Esposito goes to the shooting range and turns off his cell phone.  Ryan and I get a drink or two before going home, him to his life, me to my empty apartment.  Sometimes I go to the park and listen to children laughing, just to remind myself that they’re not all in danger.  I bring a book and pretend to read so people don’t think I’m crazy.”

“I’ve checked on Alexis four times tonight just to make sure she’s still breathing.”  There was a silent question in his statement, wondering if his behavior was normal.  The problem was it wasn’t, but it wasn’t his fault.  What was wrong with society that children were murdered before ever reaching their potential?

“This case was different for you though.  Your daughter was affected, you knew the victim.  That makes everything harder.  I don’t know how I would handle that.”

“You’d handle it with grace, just like any case.”

His vote of confidence made her chest swell with pride.  “How is Alexis doing?”

“She’s still in shock.  She didn’t talk much at home and barely watched whatever she put on.  But she snuggled up to me while she did it.  I think she’ll talk more tomorrow.”  The picture he painted in her head made her smile.  She remembered doing the same thing with her Dad when she was upset, just laying on him while her mind raced, usually after a breakup.  It was another part of Castle’s life that was so different from the person described on page six, making her wonder how much of that persona was all an act.  “Shit.  I didn’t realize it was that late.  I should let you go.”

She shook her head, her smile light as she spoke.  “No, it’s okay.  I couldn’t sleep anyway.”

“Well I should try to let you sleep, so you can solve this.  Alexis wants you to know that you can call her if you need any help.  I think I’m staying here with her tomorrow.”

“Good call.  The precinct will miss you.”

His laughter on the other end made her smile, the only bright spot to her day so far.  “Yeah right, you can’t wait to be rid of me.”  His voice fell.  “Goodnight, Beckett.”

“Night, Castle.”  She hung up first, putting her phone on the charger and closing her eyes, letting his laughter ring in her head, over and over, to drown out the images she didn’t want to see.  Morning came before she was ready, a call from Esposito letting her know that the testing boards had answered their questions about Maddy’s test scores quickly.  When they made an arrest later that day, the first person she called was Maddy’s mother.  The second person was Alexis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook.com/ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives.


	41. Are you sure?

The work of a senator was never over.  In some ways, it was the same as being a cop.  Years ago, Kate would have taken the Christmas shift just to try and avoid her feelings of dread surrounding the holidays.  Now, even though the senate was adjourned for the year, she still had work to do.

She had been working hand in hand with the city to open a new homeless shelter for youth.  Alexis had been working by her side, as project manager, tirelessly putting aside her own life to work on the project she had brought to Kate.  That, and everyone was still recovering from the aggressive campaign for re-election she had to run.  And, yet another change from her police days, she now had three young children to keep her busy at home.

The decision to run for office had been spur of the moment.  She still remembers the day, just after Lily had made herself known.  The election results had just been announced, and the nation was shocked.  Kate herself just stared at the screen in disbelief, her head swimming about what kind of world she was bringing their child into.  Castle sat with her, his hand rubbing circles into her back, speechless for once.  That image would be etched into her memories, to see her always optimistic husband completely hopeless.  It’s something she never wants to see again.  After a bit, people started flooding the streets of the city, protesting the election results that no one saw coming.  It didn’t take long for her phone to ring, calling her to help with crowd control.  Castle tried to get her to stay, their growing family his first concern.  But as she pulled her hair back, she tried her best to quell his fears.  “Rick, I probably won’t even be on the ground.  I’ll probably be watching from above, giving orders to other officers.  Plus, so far this is peaceful.”

He scoffed.  “So far.”

“Yes.  And as long as we don’t go after anyone, it will stay peaceful.”  She holstered her gun and pinned her hat to her head, pressing a kiss to her husband’s head as she passed.  “I’m not sure when I’ll be home though, so maybe don’t wait up?”

Making no move toward their bedroom, he shook his head.  “I’ll be up until you get home safe.”

Her hands fell to her abdomen.  “We’ve got this.  This isn’t our first rodeo.”

She had been right.  No one wanted to hurt anyone, they just wanted their voices heard.  And for the most part, she had stayed out of the middle of it, communicating with her team via radio.  There was only one incident, a misunderstanding where a protester fell into one of her officers.  That was the only time she had to go down to the front lines.  Once there, she got to hear just how afraid these people were.  Not just upset, but actually afraid.  Each person she talked to told her some new struggle that they were worried about, her heart breaking more and more each time for the city that she loved.  It was on her ride home that she decided politics would be the right move for her.

Kate was known as a hands-on Senator.  She was frequently seen in the streets, doing the dirty work that others didn’t care about.  She spoke to numerous people from all walks of life, and did her best to represent her city.  She voted down and fought tooth and nail any time a policy was brought up by the Commander in Chief that went against the minorities of the city that she loved.

None of this slowed down during the holidays.  This year especially, with the youth shelter opening.  It didn’t help that there was a seventeen year old girl there, one parent recently deceased, one in jail for substance abuse problems, and no other family to take her in.  She was having a tough time with the holidays, and Kate was doing everything she could to reassure her.  When she finally got the poor girl calm, and helped pass out the Christmas gift to the other tenants, she barely got home in time to tuck her own children into bed.

Once Reese was out, the hardest one to get down, it was time to make the magic.  Castle had found a huge train set for the boys that she was trying to set up around the tree, while he pulled out the extra toys from the closet.  It was soon evident that she was too tired to even make the tracks make sense, the cool figure eight pattern shown on the front of the box never meeting up like it was supposed to.  She had tried to explain her day at the shelter to Castle while she worked, talking about the young girl who had occupied her mind, but she soon realized that the track needed all of her attention.  Her husband listened as she grumbled, watched her as she turned in circles, and finally took the box from her, his hand resting in the small of her back.  “You got most of it, let me finish.”

She shook her head, leaning back into the broad expanse of his back.  “No.  You did most of the work here.  I need to do something.”

His arms wrapped around her, his chuckle shaking in his chest.  “Kate, you’re exhausted, and you’ve already done most of it.  Go take a shower and get some sleep.”

Reluctantly, she turned to meet his eye, the pull of her bed more motivating than the train set.  “I have breakfast duty.”

He laughed then, pulling her towards him to kiss her forehead.  “Whatever makes you happy, babe.  It is Christmas, after all.”

She pulled away, walking toward their bedroom.  “Sleep makes me happy.”  If he answered, she didn’t hear him, her brain fried from her long day.  Her shower was quick, and she fell into a light slumber as soon as her head hit the pillow.  

She registered the dip in the bed when her husband joined her, and turned to face him, his arms pulling her toward him.  “I couldn’t do the figure eight either.  It’s in a circle around the presents instead.”

Groaning, she rested her head on his chest.  “Why do they make kids toys adult proof?”

She heard him chuckle, and felt the press of his lips to her forehead.  His whispered, “Merry Christmas” was barely audible, and the last thing she remembered before falling into a deeper sleep.

At some point during the night, one of the boys climbed into bed with them, nestling himself right in between his parents, his arms wrapped around a stuffed lion.  But he was calm, lying between them without kicking or moving, and Kate drifted off once again.  It had to be around seven when Lily and Jake showed up at the door, squealing about presents and Santa.  Jake launched himself onto the bed, Climbing to wedge himself between Reece and his mother.  “Not fair!  Why does Reece get to sleep in bed with you?”

Groaning, Kate opened her eyes and pulled Jake towards her, pressing kisses into his neck.  “My guess is that Reece had a bad dream.  And that’s okay.  You’ve slept in the bed plenty of times without him.”  A quick look at her clock told her that it was earlier than she thought, and she probably hadn’t slept much more than five hours.  “What is everyone doing up already?”

Lily rolled her eyes, a trait she had learned from her mother.  “Mom, it’s Christmas!”

“I know that,” she answered with a yawn, “But who said we have to get up early?  Maybe Santa hasn’t even come yet.”

This earned a jump from Jake, who decided to pounce on his father’s chest.  “But he did!  We checked!”

Castle laughed, squeezing the hyper boy tight.  “Of course you did.  So I guess there’s no stopping you now.”

“Don’t stop, it’s Christmas!”  Jake answered, jumping down from the bed and pulling his father toward the door.  Castle got out of bed, linking hands with their daughter as they all paraded through the door.

Kate took a moment to snuggle with Reece, who didn’t seem to know what hit him.  He was the quieter of the twins, always willing to snuggle with anyone who would have him, and like Kate, he didn’t seem to want to leave the warmth of her bed.  But the squeals of her other two children, and the laughter of her husband drew her attention to the living room.  So she nudged Reece, making him giggle.  “It’s Christmas, bud.  What do you say we go see what’s up?”

He rolled over, facing her, his brown eyes bright.  “Let’s go!’  Before getting out of bed though, he reached for her, squeezing her tight and kissing her cheek.  “Merry Christmas, Mama.”

She gathered him in her arms, walking with him to the living room.  “Thank you, baby.  Merry Christmas.”

She brewed coffee and started cinnamon buns while the kids played and laughed.  And despite being exhausted, she couldn’t be upset.  Because it was Christmas, and she was surrounded by the people she loved.

It was later that evening when the doorbell rang, their first guest arriving.  Alexis was waiting, at the door, her husband Emmet holding the carseat with baby Owen inside.  Nothing could keep Rick from his Grandson, and he stood proud next to the Christmas tree with the baby nestled in his arms.  If she wasn’t already worn out, and precautions hadn’t already been taken, it would have been a sight to give her ideas.  But a shout from her sons, who were fighting over toys shook that thought from her brain quick.  

Next came Ryan and the gang, Sarah Grace looking more and more like her mother each visit.  Nick and Lily gravitated toward each other, talking about school and books like they had never been apart.  Martha came next, a slew of gift bags in her arms, singing Christmas songs all down the hallway, Jim slipping in before the door closed.  Last came Lanie and Alan, Lanie immediately helping Kate with dinner and Alan picking music from Castle’s collection.  “Where’s Javi?”  Lanie asked her in the kitchen, scooping stuffing into a bowl.

“He couldn’t get away from his family.  He dropped of presents last night and visited the kids while I was working.”

“How’s that going?”

Kate shrugged, uncovering a pie.  “I mean, I had fun at their Christmas party.  But there was this girl, Casey.  She’s so much like me, Lanie, it hurts.  Her Dad just died of cancer, and her Mom has been in and out of jail for substance issues for her entire life.  And now she has to spend Christmas all alone.”  She remembered that feeling, the first Christmas without her mother.  Her Dad had drank himself into a stupor, and didn’t leave his bedroom.  Kate hadn’t even decorated a tree.  All the cheer of the season was gone.  It was everything she never wanted, and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Her husband’s voice from behind her startled her.  “Do you want to invite her here?”   
She did.  So much more than she had realized.  Because no one deserved to feel like that on Christmas.  But she grimaced, meeting her husband’s eye.  “I don’t know if I can.”

He scoffed, grabbing plates from the cabinet to start setting the table.  “Kate, you regularly treat people to lunch, just to hear what issues are affecting them, and their ideas to change it.  Why can’t you invite a girl over to your house on Christmas for a nice meal and some fun?  Maybe learn about the future she wants to have?  I’d say that fits in with your job description.”

She eyed him, considering all that he said.  Her voice seemed small as she asked him, “are you sure?”

Rick put the dishes down, pulling her into a side hug and kissing her temple.  “I’ve never felt more sure.”

Grinning, she pressed a proper kiss to his lips.  “Thank you.”  After one more, just to prove her gratitude, she left him for the office, pulling up the number for the shelter.  After a hesitant yes from the girl, she left to go get her, ignoring the questions from her children.

Casey fit right in with the gang.  As it turned out, she played piano, the holiday tunes burned into her memory as she played along with Martha.  She was great with the kids, attentive as they showed her toys or asked her questions.  And although she was hesitant at first with the adults, by the end of the night she was laughing along with them, her smile the brightest in the room.  And when Kate dropped her back off at the shelter, she reached for the woman across the center console and wrapped her in a fierce embrace.  “Thank you for giving me a family for the night.”

“Of course.  No one should be alone on Christmas.”  She met the girl’s green eyes, giving her a sincere smile.  “You’re welcome at any time.  Please, don’t hesitate to call me.”

“Thank you.  Merry Christmas.”  She got out of the car, and waved once more before heading inside.

The next year, when Casey called, she asked if she could bring her mother, who was six months clean.  They were of course welcomed with open arms.


	42. It Can Wait Until Tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after the very first chapter in Relinquishing Hope

She woke with scratchy eyes and a heavy heart, the night before playing in her mind like a bad dream.  For a split second, she didn’t think it was real.  She didn’t think that they had actually given up the one being in her life she had loved more than life itself.

She could still hear Hope’s cries of confusion as she was kissed once more by them both and taken away by her birth mother.  The girl was screaming, her face red, as she was carted off in a little black car seat, her teddy bear blanket tucked around her for warmth.  It was an image that could never be scrubbed from Kate’s mind.

As tears she thought she’d shed started to fall down her face again, Kate hugged that elephant toy close and leaned back, seeking the calming embrace of her husband.  She was met instead with cold rumpled sheets, and a wide empty space.  He was gone, with no indication of how long he was gone for and when he would be back.  So Kate took a few deep breaths, steadied herself, and sat up.

Her phone lit up next to her, like it knew she was up, Alexis’ face illuminating the screen.  Considering that she had no clue where her husband was, she answered that call, her voice making her sound calmer than she was.  “Hello?”

“Thank God.  I’ve been calling Dad, but it keeps going right to voicemail.  Where is he?”

Kate ran her free hand through her hair, pushing the flyaways out of her face in the process.  “I actually don’t know.  I just woke up.”

The younger woman chuckled.  “You slept until eleven?  How did you manage that with an infant in the house?”

Kate’s heart clenched at the younger woman’s words.  They hadn't told anyone last night, they didn't know how.  And she didn't want to be the one to break the news to his daughter.  So she settled on, “well, I'd better not get used to it.”

“Do you guys still need a babysitter tonight?”

“Um, you know what?  I think we are just going to have a quiet night in instead.”  It was the first time her voice had cracked, her emotions bubbling through, but if her step-daughter noticed, she didn't mention it.  “I didn’t sleep well, I'm pretty sure Dad didn't either, and I don't want to fall asleep across the table from him tonight.”

The redhead laughed, but it failed to bring a smile to Kate’s face.  “I'll check in with you guys later, then.”

“Yes, please.  I'll have Dad call you later.”

“Thanks, Kate.  Love you.”

“Love you.”  The talk had done nothing to alleviate her fears about her husband’s well being, so she rose from bed, wrapping her robe around her, hoping it would help to warm her up.

She found a pot of coffee waiting for her, her white ‘K’ mug sitting out on the corner.  As she headed over, she did the quick sweep to see if anything was out of place.  His shoes still sat out on the mud rack, and his scarf hung on the coatrack.  He couldn't have gone too far without those.  He wasn't asleep on the couch, or anywhere else on the first floor, so she made her mug of coffee and followed his trail upstairs.

It became harder and harder to breathe as she approached Hope’s room.  But as she approached she could hear his sobs, she could hear him muttering to himself, and she swore her heart stopped all together.  Inside he had boxes, and the nursery was in disarray.  Hope’s sheets were pulled off the mattress in her crib, and were thrown into a pile on the floor.  Joining the sheets were clothes, tons of onesies, thrown in pink piles all over the room.  All the pictures had been removed from the walls, and she could see a spot where he pulled out a nail with so much force, the wallpaper started to rip.

In one of the boxes, she could see a few toys, another had couple of books.  One was trash, the almost full package of diapers in it, along with all the lotions and powders they had bought.  The last one had her stuffed animals in it, placed with such care that it brought tears to her eyes.  And he was in the middle of these boxes, clutching a picture of Hope and Alexis so tight, his knuckles were turning white.

She abandoned the coffee he made for her on the counter, and ran to his side, her arms wrapping around him like he did for her the night earlier.  She whispered in his ear, fighting back her own tears as she supported him.  “Castle, we’re okay.  She’s okay, I promise.”

“She’s not here.  Where she belongs.”  His thumb traced over the image of his daughters, the image he was so proud of.

“She’s not, and that sucks.  But we have to hope that this is what’s best for her.”  She used her free hand to run her fingers through his hair, a calming gesture.

“What’s best for her is to be with the people who love her.”

“Castle, Maria loves her.”  She buried her head into his neck as she spoke, wanting to be as close to him as possible.  “Maria loves her so much, she couldn't stop thinking about her.”  And then they both stopped talking.  She just held him as he cried.  It wasn’t a scene she had ever really seen.  He was kind of like her, stubborn and hard to break.  Kate didn’t break easy, so when she did she felt the emotions twice as hard.  She could only imagine it was similar for him.  The quickest way to tear him down was through his family.  Thanks to his example, she knew what to do.

She started by grabbing the picture, taking it from him gently and placing it to his side.  She bit back the memory of picking out which pictures to hang, how they debated for days which ones would make her feel the most included as she grew up.  She moved the ones that were in front of him, the ones that included her as a child with her family, a young Alexis and him at her birthday, and a picture of Martha in costume for one of her shows with her hands on a young Rick’s shoulders.  And once the area around him was free, she sat down, pulling him into her, cradling his head against her chest.  He wasn’t crying anymore, but he let himself be comforted by her, her fingers running through his hair, and the way she rocked gently back and forth.  No wonder Hope calmed down so much when Kate comforted her.

After a few minutes of silence, she spoke.  “What were you doing up here?”

He took a few breaths before answering.  “I got up this morning and made coffee like I always do.  Then I climbed up the stairs to check on her like I always do.  I didn’t remember she wasn’t here until I was in her doorway.”

Her hands stilled and drifted down his back.  “I thought it was a dream.  A really vivid, terrifying dream.  But then Alexis called and asked how in the world I was able to sleep until eleven, and it hit me hard.”

She felt his sharp intake of breath, and the tensing of his body.  “Alexis!  Did you say anything?”

“Of course not.  I can’t admit it to myself, let alone your daughter.  I didn’t want to break that news over the phone.”  He relaxed against her as she spoke, his shoulders slumping as he resumed his position against her chest.  “We have to tell people eventually.”

“I know.”  He lifted his head, looking around the room to see what a mess he’d caused.  “I need to clean this up.”

Her fingers dug into his arm, making him turn his attention back to her, and all her feelings came out in a way she never expected.  “How well did you sleep last night?  Because I know I slept like shit, and I don’t know how long you’ve been awake for, and you must be hungry because I know I’m hungry.  I told Alexis we were going to have a quiet family day at home, and damn it, I can’t do that by myself.”  He blinked at her, taking in her burst of emotion with confusion.  But she could see the weariness in his eyes, the sadness drawn in the lines on his face, and she softened her tone.  “Please.  It can wait until tomorrow.”  She rose from the floor and extended a hand out to him.  Her heart leapt for joy for the first time that day when he reached for it.

Downstairs she cooked him breakfast, happy face pancakes that made him chuckle.  They surfed through their phones together, finding their favorite pictures of Hope for a collage.  They watched Netflix on the couch, occasionally nodding out on each other’s shoulders.

Later on that night, he called Alexis back to apologize for not answering.  Kate couldn’t help but listen as he steered the conversation away from Hope.  But she could tell when the younger woman mentioned her, his eyes getting darker and his shoulders slumping, or the way he carefully controlled his breath.  Before long he was saying his goodbyes, a strange mixture of happiness and sorrow playing out on his face.  “Goodnight Pumpkin, I love you too.”

As he hung up, Kate raised an eyebrow at him, a silent question only he would understand.  “It just hit me, you know.  I’ll never hear Hope tell me she loves me.  Or kiss me goodnight.  Kate, those are the moments I treasure most with Alexis.”

She felt a pang of loss in her chest as she realized she would never experience that with any child.  Her hands clutched at the emptiness of her womb, her fingers knotting her t-shirt.  Castle saw this and pulled her into him, pressing kisses to her hair.  When she had relaxed, she looked up at him, her eyes meeting his.  “Why didn’t you tell her?”

“I’m not ready to comfort anyone else.  Not today.  I might fall apart again.  I will fall apart again if I see her cry.  I can’t do it today.”  He brushed the hair out of her face.  “Maybe tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep.”

They had a number of people to tell.  Both of their parents, the boys, Lanie, and Alexis.  It would be draining, and if today was any indication, she didn’t have the energy.  So she nodded, her eyes fixating on a spot just beyond his head.  “Tomorrow.”


	43. I'm Sorry.  I Didn't Mean To.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this isn't even done... I had originally picked a different sentence, but here I am, 4,500 words in, and I am not even halfway done. The good news is, I am working on the second half, with a different sentence. I have it all planned out, actually! I don't know when it will be posted, because I am slowly working on it for camp nanowrimo. So it isn't done yet. BUT, I won't post anything else here until the second part is done, so I don't mess with continuity. Wit all that said and done, enjoy!
> 
> Next door neighbors in the suburbs AU.

Ricky Rogers had been in Katie’s life for as long as she could remember.  From the moment she was born, Ricky was never too far away.  His Mom, Martha, lived next door, and worked all the time, so Katie’s Mom used to watch him for free.  It was like growing up with a slightly older brother.

Her first concrete memory is of him crying.  He had spilled his milk all over his clothes.  Her Mom had a lot, but she didn’t have a key to his house.  It was the one day Martha didn’t pack extra clothes.  So he was wearing her shirt, one with yellow sunflowers on it, crying about wanting his solar system shirt back.  She tried to distract him by pulling him out to the sand pit in her backyard.  “Sandcastle?”  As she spoke she offered him the bucket.  “Build here.”  When he took the bucket, she kneeled down and started to dig the moat.

It took him some time to join her, but soon he was down in the dirt next to her.  “Want help?”

“Yes please.”  She filled his bucket with the excess sand from the moat.  After a few moments of silence, she looked up, grinning at him.  “You’re okay.  Don’t be sad.  Sandcastle.”

He turned the bucket over in response, the sand crumbling at the edges.  “Thanks, Katie.  I’m not sad anymore.”  He poked some holes in the top of their sand mound, like windows, and grinned.  “Who lives here?”

“Hmmmm.”  Katie bit her lip as she thought.  “A Princess and her Knight.”

At her words, he leapt up, his feet kicking sand into their moat.  “Let’s play pretend!  I’m a Knight.”

“I’m the Princess!”  She joined in, standing with him.  She only gave herself a moment to laugh before pointing at a tree behind him.  “Help!  Monster!  Get it, Knight!”

“I’ll save you!”  He shouted as he ran off, pretending to fight whatever imaginary creatures she came up with.  He ran around so much, he didn’t even hear when Katie’s Mom yelled that his shirt was all done.  Instead he spent his day rescuing his closest friend.  A few of the monsters, Katie got herself.  She loved teaching him the best way to defeat a porch monster and a garden ghoul.  The swing monster almost got them both.  Never once did she think that a Princess couldn’t save the day.  Sometimes though, she needed help from her brave Knight.

Saturdays were the days she looked forward to most.  Saturdays were Martha’s day off, which meant the roles were reversed.  Katie’s Mom would go out and do the errands that she couldn’t do while Ricky was at the house.  Katie’s Dad usually worked.  Which meant that Katie got to go spend time at Ricky’s house.

His house was so cool.  There were more musical instruments than Katie thought existed.  Martha always let them play with each one, and she taught them the history behind them as they played.  Also, Martha’s dress up trunk marveled any other one Katie had ever seen in her short life.  But to top everything off, Ricky had a pretty amazing treehouse.

Katie never found out who built the treehouse.  It had been there as long as she could remember.  It was pretty high up in the tree, an old rope ladder the only way to get up.  Once inside, they had a view of the forest that seemed to go on for miles.  The cramped space was filled with books and art supplies that kept them busy for hours.  Martha even let them color on its walls.  They covered the inside of that treehouse with doodles and designs, and random splashes of color, as tall as they could reach.

Over time, they filled in that empty space at the top.  Their hands grew steadier, the drawings more concrete.  Once in a while, a math problem showed up whenever they ran out of scrap paper.  Katie knew one day they would grow to be too tall to stand straight up.  Ricky was already getting to the point where he had to hunch over.  It started to amuse her, once she realized they had spent their whole lives there.

In school they sort of ran in separate circles.  Ricky made friends who were other boys, who enjoyed playing King of the Rock and having races.  Katie spent more time with the girls in her class, making clubs and playing make believe.  It seemed like such a natural progression, she didn’t feel like she was missing anyone.  She still saw him on the bus, when he sat next to her.  On Saturdays she still went to his house, where Martha taught them duets on the piano and they played in his treehouse.  On Sundays he came to her house for the sand pit and make believe, usually with a bouquet of hand-picked flowers in his hand for their table.  He was still her best friend.

It was the summer before freshman year that he asked for help in the treehouse.  “I need to get some of the junk out.”

She regarded him with a wary look.  “Our crafts?”

His blue eyes grew wide as he vehemently shook his head.  “Of course not!  Those will stay forever as far as I am concerned.  But there are toys and books up there that I haven’t looked at in years that need to come down.  It will free up some space.”

It had been getting cramped, now that they both were almost full grown.  Whoever built it had children in mind, and not the young adults that they had become.  “I have some free time.  I could come after dinner?”

He laughed, his eyes softening.  “I think this will be a really long process.  Can you stop by tomorrow?”

“Sure!”  As soon as the word was out of her mouth, she realized she had no clue what the plans were, and she did need to double check with her parents.  “At least, I’m pretty sure.  I’ll call you tonight.”

“Okay.  See you soon!”  He hugged her at the point where their properties met, and she nuzzled her face into his shoulder.  Before long they had parted ways, each going into their respective houses.

She headed over the next day, dressed in her cleaning clothes, a black bandana keeping her hair out of her eyes.  She headed straight for the treehouse, the sound of him whistling drawing her nearer.  She yelled to let him know she was there and not to climb down, and started climbing that old rope ladder up to meet him.

Inside she found him surrounded by piles and piles of books.  “What are you doing?”  She teased as she squeezed in next to him.

“I’m trying to separate them by age range.”  The one he held in his hand was Goodnight Moon, a book she didn’t even realize was still up there.  “We’ve never done this, and Mother doesn’t come up here, so there is lots of clutter.”

Looking around she could see he was right.  A doll sat in the corner that she hadn’t touched since she was ten.  And etch-a-sketch on the windowsill still had his sad attempt at a circle.  The bins filled with matchbox cars and baseball cards were old too.  She couldn’t remember the last time she had looked through those.  She pulled the box of cards closer to her and pulled off the cover.  “Can I have these?  My Dad would like them.”

Ricky shrugged.  “Most of them were yours anyway.  I never liked baseball as much as you.”

She muttered out a thanks before scooching toward the door.  But it was once she got there that she realized the problem.  “Uh, Ricky?  I don’t feel comfortable crawling down one handed.”

He didn’t look up as she spoke.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean, how am I supposed to climb down this ladder with a box in my hands?”

This piqued his attention, and he put the books down and crawled over to her.  “No, you won’t have to.  See this?”  He pointed to a pulley that was hanging below the door, something she had never noticed before.  “Mother and I used it when we filled it the first time.  She filled a box and lifted it, I unloaded it up here.  We can do the same thing to clean it out.”  He pointed to the one large box that was already in the treehouse.  “We can use this to get everything down once we have it all together.

“And one of us can fill boxes on the ground and send the big empty one back up.”  She finished for him, catching on to his plan.  They shared a smile, the connection between them clear, and they both moved to different ends of the treehouse.  Ricky stayed near the books while Katie started looking at the art supplies.  Anything broken or dried out got thrown in a trash bag.  She sorted the crayons, chalk, and markers into separate boxes.  She got rid of paper product warped by water.  And then she just crawled around collecting trash.

Between both of them, it took three days to clean all the stuff they didn’t want any more out.  Martha took loads every day to the dumpster or to donation centers.  With more room, they found themselves enjoying the treehouse again.  Now that they were older, they enjoyed it in a different way.  Ricky became Rick, and started writing short stories.  He would sit up there with his head in his hands, the notebook on the side of him as he worked through writer’s block.  Katie would read through and offer suggestions.  She started bringing her own books up with her to read while he was stuck, sometimes reading out loud to give him ideas.  Maybe it helped, maybe it didn’t.  He let her do it all the same.

The week before starting freshman year, they watched the stars together through the little window.  They sat against the wall, her head on his shoulder, while he pointed out constellations.  He knew what he was talking about, and his confidence gave her a funny feeling in the pit of her stomach.  So she stopped him by lifting her head from his shoulder to look in his eyes.  “Will you bring girls up here on dates?”  His eyebrows scrunched together as he narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out where her question came from.  “Just because this would be, like, the perfect free date.  And I just got this image of you up here with girls, and I don’t want to crawl up here to visit you just to find you kissing someone else.”

He laughed then, shaking his head.  “What?  No.  That’s insane.”

“But it’s not insane!  You have this space up here that is pretty private, your Mom never comes up here, and it would be the perfect place to bring a girl.”

He chuckled, the tiniest shake of his head calming her down.  “No.  It’s insane because I don’t bring anyone up here.”

Her mind went over their fourteen year friendship, as she racked her brain for a name.  “Anyone?”  She asked as she came up empty handed.

“Well.  I don’t anymore.  I tried once.”  Whatever look she had on her face must have amused him, because he laughed.  “Not a girl!  I promise!”  He leaned back against the wall.  “No, not a girl.  It was Dylan Cummings, in second grade.  He came up and wanted to add some drawings to the wall.  I wasn’t watching, he started to draw over your princess.”  Her eyes drifted to the spot on the wall where her large Princess was, dressed in a blue dress, a spiky yellow crown on her head.  “I stopped him, but I told him it was your picture.  He didn’t care, he thought his was cooler.  So I made him get out.”  As he spoke, she resettled against his shoulder.  “I decided this was our place.  No one else needed to come up here.”

At his words, she smiled against his shoulder.  “I like our place.”  They stayed in relative silence for a bit, listening to the crickets.

It was Rick who broke the silence this time, shifting his weight so he could look down on her.  “Did you get your class list yet?”

“No.”  She lied.  She already knew they didn’t have classes together.  They’d been together every year with the exception of seventh grade.  She didn’t like the idea of taking classes separate.  “I think I’ll get it in the office on the first day.”

“What if we don’t have a class together?”  His voice was softer, broken in a way, and it made her heart clench.

“We’ll have lunch.  And weekends.  I’ll still be next door.”

He resettled, his arms crossing over his chest.  “You’re right.  Nothing will change.

But it did change a little bit.  They barely saw each other.  Their classes had separate lunch periods.  Their interests were different.  Rick joined the school newspaper and creative writing club, while Kate took up track and field and model debate.  They didn’t always take the bus home together, sitting side by side.  Sometimes they skipped hanging out on weekends because they had too much homework.  Of course, they were still friendly when they passed each other in the hallway.  But every time he passed, Kate felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.  She found herself looking out her window at his treehouse and wondering if he was up there, working on his latest story.

It surprised her the week before school let out for the summer, when he approached her after his lunch period.  “Hey, Kate, I have to tell you something.”

She hugged her books closer and pulled him to the side of the hallway, so he was out of the way.  “Okay.  Shoot.”

She could see him bite the inside of his cheek, and his eyes drifted down to the floor.  “It’s just…”  He fought to get the words out, his feet shuffling as he raised his eyes to meet hers.  “The first day of summer vacation.  Can we maybe do something?  Just the two of us?”

Taking in his body language and awkward question, Kate’s mouth fell open.  “Richard Rogers, are you asking me on a date?”

His head fell again and she couldn’t see his face.  “Something like that, I guess.”

A million thoughts went through her head.  First and foremost being that he was almost like a brother to her, and that was weird.  But she also kept drifting back to the summer before, sitting up in that treehouse with him, resting on him, the jealousy she felt at even the idea of another girl up there with him.  She didn’t want to ruin what they had.  But she couldn’t see herself with anyone else.  “Let’s do it.”

He looked up at her, nodding, but he didn’t seem as excited as she was.  No, instead he looked nervous, his face paler than she’d ever seen it.  “Okay.  Great.  I’ll meet you at your place.”  His shoulders hunched up as he turned, running to his next class.

She didn’t see him again for that last week of school.  He caught rides with some of his friends from the newspaper, she would get picked up by her mother.  In a way, Kate liked that more.  It built the anticipation.

He showed up at her house at four the day of their date.  He was dressed in a nice button down shirt, a bouquet of hand-picked flowers in his hand.  As Kate opened the door, he thrust his hand forward.  “I picked these for your table.”

Kate could feel the heat rising to her cheeks, and she bit back the giant grin that was threatening to make her look like a fool.  “Thank you.”  She responded, taking them from him and leading him to the kitchen.

Her Mom met them in there.  She was preparing dinner, her case files open on the counters as she tried to multi-task.  As if she had eyes in the back of her head, she whirled around as they entered, a grin on her face that made Kate turn red from embarrassment.  “Hello Ricky, it’s so nice to see you again!  What are the plans for tonight?”

“Well, I was thinking of going to Anne’s for some ice cream, then a concert on the common, and maybe some stargazing.”  At the word ‘stargazing,’ Kate’s heart began to flutter as she remembered that night almost a year before.

Johanna just nodded, leaning against the counter.  “And she’ll be home by ten?”

He nodded once.  “Yes ma’am.”

This caused her mother to laugh, her shoulders dropping as she relaxed.  “Please, Ricky, I’ve known you since you were in diapers.  Don’t call me ‘ma’am.’”

“Don’t call me ‘Ricky’ and I’ll drop the ‘ma’am’.”

Johanna reached for his hand and shook it firmly, her jaw set, but a smile creeping into the corners of her mouth.  “Deal.”  She looked at the clock before flicking a towel in their direction.  “Now go!  It’s getting late.  Have fun!”

Kate locked hands with Rick as they ran out of the house.  “Bye, Mom!”  She called over her shoulder.

Anne’s was the best small town ice cream shop in the state.  All the ice cream was made by hand, and they had all the staple toppings.  The stand was small, with plenty of open field space to sit, along with a few tables and a fenced in area for especially buggy nights.  They got theirs to go, choosing to walk with it to the downtown common.

Rick was uncharacteristically quiet.  It made her uncomfortable.  He had trouble meeting her eyes as she spoke, and the rare smiles he gave her held just the tiniest hint of sadness.

She didn't get the chance to ask him about it.  Her words were cut off by the community band, a sweeping start to their opening number, including the trilling piccolos.  This kind of stuff drew him in.  Martha was a music teacher, and his house was almost never silent.  He always knew every song the bands were playing without the aid of a program.  He also had quite a bit of knowledge about musical theater.  It was just one of those quirks about him that Kate had begun to find interesting.

On their walk back to his place, he talked about the final issue of the school newspaper, and what it was like to earn that coveted, and of the year interview with the Principal.  When he began to talk about his creative writing club though, his face out up, more than it had all night.  “Tell me about the story you're working on now.”  Kate requested, hoping it would loosen him up.

It seemed to work.  It was a high school story with a cheating scandal, where friendships were tested and strengthened.  He grew more excited as he told her about the characters, continuing to look behind him to gauge her reactions as they walked through his backyard. “There’s Henry who is kind of like me.  Creative and kind of a slacker, who would rather draw pictures in class than take notes.”

Kate called out to him as he climbed the ladder ahead of her.  “Do you write stories during class?”

He leaned over the edge and smirked down at her as she climbed up.  “I'm gonna plead the fifth on that, counselor.”

When she reached the top, she found him leaning against some pillows, his eyes trained on the sky through the window.  Crawling over to him, she found the spot next to him set up just right so she could squish right into his side and still have plenty of room.  Kate didn’t know anything about what she was looking at.  She could find Orion, but so could everyone else.  She loved doing this with Rick because he could identify more constellations than anyone she knew.  He told their stories with such detail, no book ever did it the same way.  Even Rick never told the same story the same way.  It never felt like they were doing the same thing again.

Today Rick didn’t talk about the constellations.  Instead, he talked about the character in his book that he based off of her.  “Her name is Alison.  Ali for short.  She looks like you.  I picture her looks on your face when I write her.”  His arm tightened around her.  “She and Henry have been friends since kindergarten.  He tells her everything.  She is his rock throughout this whole scandal.  In fact, because she knows he didn’t cheat, she’s been helping to tutor him all along because she’s smart.  She wants to be the first female Chief Justice just like you.”

Kate laughed, pulling her head off his shoulder.  “So basically, you just put me in a book and changed my name?”

His eyes narrowed.  “Is that okay?”

She grinned.  “I think it’s great.  I’m honored to be a part of something so great.”  She watched him as his eyes drifted from her eyes, down to her mouth, and back up again.  Subconsciously, Kate pulled her lips between her teeth, her stomach filling with butterflies as she looked away from him.  He seemed equally as uncomfortable, and switched the conversation to Cassiopeia.  Which then shifted to the valiant rescue of Andromeda by Perseus.

Hearing him describe this rescue brought her back to the days of make believe in the sand pit.  “You used to rescue me from monsters.”

He chuckled.  “Plenty of times you rescued yourself.  You didn’t need my help.”

“Yeah, but the sentiment was nice.”  

They laughed together, and she saw his eyes again drift down to her mouth.  It made her heart pound in her head, and her hands shake, but before long she was leaning forward, her mouth puckered and her eyes closing as she braced for impact.

He spoke before it happened. “I’m moving.”

It felt like the world had stopped.  As she backed away from him, the butterflies in her stomach turned into emptiness.  “Moving?  To where?”

His shoulders slumped.  “New York City.  Mother got a part on Broadway.”

She moved so she wasn’t touching him, her arms dropping to her sides.  A part on Broadway, that was what would take her best friend from her.  It shouldn’t have been a surprise.  Martha went to auditions all the time.  But for fifteen years she had been the town’s elementary school music teacher, and at some point, Kate stopped believing it could happen.  “When?”  It was all she could make sense of.  Her head was screaming a million different questions.

“Two weeks.”

“So this wasn’t a date.  Or at least, it wasn’t supposed to be a date.”  She tried to hide the disdain in her voice, but it crept through anyway.  “You let me think it was.”

“No!  Well, yes, sort of, but no!  I didn’t mean for it to go like this.”  Under different circumstances, she would have laughed at him.  The boy with the ability to string words together to tell stories she couldn’t even dream of was struggling to find them.  “I wanted to tell you in the hall that day.  But in the moment, I realized that this wasn’t news you dropped on your best friend in the middle of the day when we can’t talk about it.  So I wanted to do it while we were alone.”

“On a date?”

“No!  I didn't mean for this to be a date.”  His words cut through her heart, and he must have seen her face crumple, because he started stammering all over again.  “Wait, no, that's not what I meant!  Can you let me explain?”

She scoffed, moving away from the spot he had set up for her, and sitting right under the window, so she could see him better, and get out easier if she needed to.  “You better explain.  Because I'm lost.”

His hands ran through his hair, and his eyes fixated on the sky above her as he planned out what he was trying to say.  “Kate, I've wanted to ask you on a date since the last time we both sat up here together, stargazing.  I was gathering the courage to.”

She watched as he shrunk, his shoulders sinking and his arms wrapping around his knees.  “Why didn’t you?”  She asked, her voice still accusatory.

“You started talking about me bringing other girls up here, like you and I weren’t even an option.  And I started to doubt you saw me the same way I saw you.  So I chickened out.  Then we saw less of each other at school, and we didn’t get together every weekend like we used to.  I didn’t think it was meant to be anymore.”  He scratched the back of his head, and stretched out his muscles.  “But then Mom got that part, and I realized how hard it was going to be, to live in a new place with you so far away.  And I wanted to spend as much time as possible with you.  When you suggested a date, I just went with it.”

She threw her head back until it thumped against the wall.  “Worst first date ever.  You didn’t even let me kiss you!”  She chuckled, looking at him and shaking her head.  “You’ve ruined me for boys for a bit.”

He laughed back, the corners of his mouth just starting to pull upwards.  “I know.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to.”

“Don’t lie.  Yeah you did.”  He laughed then, and relief washed over her.  The air cleared, she moved back over to her spot next to him.  His arm wrapped around her, and he pulled her into his chest.

After a moment, he spoke.  “We can still be friends, right?  You can come visit me in the city whenever you want, Mother already agreed.  And you can call me whenever.  I’ll send a letter with my new number.”

This statement broke her a little, but she bit back her tears as she answered.  “You’re my best friend.  Always.  You living in a different city won’t change that.”  Even though it pained her that this would be nothing more, even she knew that long distance relationships never worked.  Especially brand new ones.

“Good.  I’m sorry about our date.”

“You would have had to tell me at some point.”  They stayed there for only a few minutes more, until his watch beeped and told her it was time to go home.

The next day, she helped him move all of his things out of the treehouse, and helped box up his room.  She returned almost every day for those two weeks to help.  They never discussed their almost kiss.  They didn’t talk about their failed date with anyone.  He talked about the school he was going to in the city, she discussed joining the Model UN, and they both managed to avoid talking about their feelings.

The day he moved, he gave her a rough draft of his story, the one with the character based on her in it.  He dedicated it to her, and put it in a binder so she could read it as many times as she wanted.  He hugged her tight until it was time to leave.  As he pulled away, Kate felt the ghost of his lips on the top of her head.  She didn’t let the tears fall until the moving truck was out of sight.


End file.
